I’ve been thinking a lot about moderation recently. Prior to my giving up alcohol I read up and researched (as I’m sure many of you have) and I noticed many references to moderation and ‘moderate’ drinkers. I most certainly am not a moderate drinker and after years of attempting to ‘cut back’ using a variety of methods it has become clear that total abstinence is my only option.
The interesting thing I’ve discovered is this … my inability to moderate does not only apply to alcohol. In fact, I am pretty excessive and extreme in many aspects of my life. I was totally ‘on it’ when my boys were young. Completely organised, lists on lists, dealing with it all, spinning all the plates etc. Then they reached 13 and 10 yrs two years ago and they didn’t need me (or so it felt at the time). Instead of being able to be moderate in my attention and involvement in their lives, which is what they needed, I disengaged completely. All or nothing, that’s me! I can’t seem to find a midway point.
I’ve been the same with many relationships. Completely giving my all, totally excessive and inevitably getting very hurt at some point. I often have to rely on the other person to moderate, if they don’t just get fed up and bugger off first. Luckily my husband stuck with me through it and after 20 years I’m not quite so excessive with him anymore 😂
So, it’s probably not a surprise that the only way I can manage my relationship with alcohol is to give it up completely. I can’t be a moderate drinker. Maybe though, just maybe, I can learn to be moderate in other aspects of my life. I think being sober might help me achieve that.
Ditching the Wine 
Yes, I understand. I am way more moderate in my shopping, etc.
It’s calmer, and I still have fun!
xo
Wendy
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‘Calmness’ is not a natural state for me but interestingly that’s how I have felt over the past week not drinking. I definitely want more calm in my life!
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Oh yes moderation. My blog title is a daily reminder of “who was I kidding.”
I think you’re right in the all or nothing of those of us with addictive personalities. It’s not just with alcohol. I bet when you wrote lists they were long. And lots of them. Mine were.
Moderation and perfectionism too. Bother or give up, a mess or perfect for a day.
This is something I am working on. Being sober helps a lot with this. I’m ready to face it.
I have indulged in online shopping with my foot making me immobile. I’m not really a shopper per se but show me stationery and art supplies and I’m a different person. Haven’t gone too mad but let’s just say I’ve enjoyed myself.
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Yep, loooong lists .. which even included writing a list!!
I also struggle with being moderately in control … I’m either a massive control freak and organised to the nth degree or not engaged at all. What is that about? I think I have a lot of things to learn about myself now I can see a little clearer.
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I am definitely all or nothing in most things I do!! I like to think of it as being passionate about things – sounds better!! 😂. I tried to moderate my drinking for about two years – disaster and I actually drank more because once I had broken a rule I had made myself then I just went wild and there was no stopping me. Xx
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There are definitely some situations in life where being excessive and ‘passionate’ is really valuable and it should be viewed as a positive for sure. I guess for me it’s redirecting the obsessive ‘full on’ approach to appropriate situations where it will benefit me rather than become destructive. Identifying which situations heed my ‘nothing’ rather than my ‘all’ is going to be a really important step for me I think.
Hope you are ok x
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I’m glad you can see the plus sides to your wonderful personality, and how going all in can benefit you in some ways, but also cause issues when it comes to alcohol. So many good realizations came for me too in the first few weeks after I quit!
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That’s a lovely comment and I really am starting to believe that I have good qualities. I spend a lot of time beating myself up for being ‘too nice’, ‘too friendly’, ‘clingy’, ‘over apologetic’ and ‘over enthusiastic’. I think not drinking alcohol has helped me start to understand that these can be positive if applied to the right people and situations.
Just need the headaches to reduce now 😩
X
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I think a lot of us excessive drinkers are actually people who like to be full on in lots of different areas as others have stated and I always preferred the excessive drinkers, often the most interesting types and always more fun. Of course being excessive with drink, we all know where that leads. so keeping the “good “aspects of having a full on, excessive personality , that can also equate to enthusiastic and productive is vital. The key for many of us is channeling the energy and enthusiasm away from drinking into other areas of our lives. Don’t change too much! 😉
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Thanks Jim
I think I’m starting to be kinder to myself and seeing that aspects of my personality I’ve been apologising for are actually positive, if applied to the right things. The more I read about the effect of long term alcohol use on the brain and dopamine, the more I am beginning to see that alcohol has been the biggest problem all along, not me! Baby steps though ☺️
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I so hear you on that parenting comment. It’s a tough one to figure out for me, as well, for sure! xoxo
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You sound quite a bit like myself..i tried moderation many times, but i am an extremist.It was hard to accept that. Cool to me is that you are starting this the same month and almost the same day i started last year. Unfortunately i had one major slip in january so had to start again..but , as with the cliche- it’s part of the process..i have been a “good ” girl since then with no slips at all.I’m so glad i have another blog to follow..I know how hard the early days are ..plus i have 3 blogs total so i write every day…i’ll be checking your posts!
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It’s so helpful and supportive to have people like you watching out for me. It’s important to be accountable and so lovely of those people who are checking up on how you’re doing really understand. Please do keep an eye on me .. this is going to be one hell of a challenge. 😊
And well done you. A year with only one blip. I’m in awe of anyone who has succeeded in that. Xx
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