Baby steps and early days.

I haven’t written anything for a few days because I wasn’t really sure what to say. I don’t have any witty comments, interesting stories or clever insights and, if I’m honest, the worry that I might be seen as a boring read stopped me posting anything. Then I had a word with myself. This is not about impressing other people, this is about helping myself by trying to structure my thoughts and reflect on my progress. Plus people on here have been nothing but supportive, caring and encouraging so I just need to get over myself!

So here it is.

My past few days have been the same as any other week really. Getting up, catching the train to work at the children’s hospital (once the boys have left for school), getting home, food shop, washing, cooking tea, (not) making it to the gym, watching tv and messaging friends and family. There has, however, been one big difference. I haven’t once felt that overwhelming feeling of anxiety, sadness or despondency. Though I have felt more exhausted than I can say and have had to nap frequently, it has not been a ‘lying on my bed, opting out until I fall asleep’ nap. It has been a very contented, ‘I’m shattered’ nap. I wake every morning feeling oddly hungover (what’s that about?) and have to remind myself that can’t be the case. The boys call me to ask where their shoes are, have I seen their keys, did I get the food ready for food tech etc etc and instead of feeling uptight and on edge and getting snappy, I remain calm because I FEEL calm. I’m not sure I have truly felt that sense of calm for a very, very long time. Throughout the day I find myself being extra nice to people. I smile at strangers, randomly comment about things and help people who need it, all without thinking about it. In return people have been really lovely to me. What a fantastic feeling!

Granted, I have had a fair few headaches and last night I felt edgy and wanted a glass of wine (I didn’t have one obviously). I’m eating more sugar than you can shake a stick at, seeking out chocolate like a woman possessed. I’m not doing as much exercise as I’d like but there’s always something more to aim for I guess and life isn’t perfect.

Mostly, over the past few days, I have felt so happy. Really, truly happy and content. Not itchy in my own skin, not wondering if I should be doing something different or better. Just plain happy. When you haven’t felt true happiness in a long time, it’s a bloody good feeling I can tell you.

That’s all I have to say today

Claire x

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