Baby steps and early days.

I haven’t written anything for a few days because I wasn’t really sure what to say. I don’t have any witty comments, interesting stories or clever insights and, if I’m honest, the worry that I might be seen as a boring read stopped me posting anything. Then I had a word with myself. This is not about impressing other people, this is about helping myself by trying to structure my thoughts and reflect on my progress. Plus people on here have been nothing but supportive, caring and encouraging so I just need to get over myself!

So here it is.

My past few days have been the same as any other week really. Getting up, catching the train to work at the children’s hospital (once the boys have left for school), getting home, food shop, washing, cooking tea, (not) making it to the gym, watching tv and messaging friends and family. There has, however, been one big difference. I haven’t once felt that overwhelming feeling of anxiety, sadness or despondency. Though I have felt more exhausted than I can say and have had to nap frequently, it has not been a ‘lying on my bed, opting out until I fall asleep’ nap. It has been a very contented, ‘I’m shattered’ nap. I wake every morning feeling oddly hungover (what’s that about?) and have to remind myself that can’t be the case. The boys call me to ask where their shoes are, have I seen their keys, did I get the food ready for food tech etc etc and instead of feeling uptight and on edge and getting snappy, I remain calm because I FEEL calm. I’m not sure I have truly felt that sense of calm for a very, very long time. Throughout the day I find myself being extra nice to people. I smile at strangers, randomly comment about things and help people who need it, all without thinking about it. In return people have been really lovely to me. What a fantastic feeling!

Granted, I have had a fair few headaches and last night I felt edgy and wanted a glass of wine (I didn’t have one obviously). I’m eating more sugar than you can shake a stick at, seeking out chocolate like a woman possessed. I’m not doing as much exercise as I’d like but there’s always something more to aim for I guess and life isn’t perfect.

Mostly, over the past few days, I have felt so happy. Really, truly happy and content. Not itchy in my own skin, not wondering if I should be doing something different or better. Just plain happy. When you haven’t felt true happiness in a long time, it’s a bloody good feeling I can tell you.

That’s all I have to say today

Claire x

Published by clairei47

My name is Claire. I am a mum, a wife and I work for the NHS. For as long as I can remember I have drank alcohol and my relationship with it has become increasingly complex over recent years. I’m 47 and I want to be physically and mentally healthy. I want to be present in my life and enjoy the journey, not drown it out with wine and hangovers. I have decided to detail how things progress via this blog. I know nothing about blogging but I think support from others is essential. Maybe one day I can help someone with my story. I started my sober journey on 17th November 2019; long may it continue.

27 thoughts on “Baby steps and early days.

  1. Claire I felt exactly the same those first weeks, the headaches, the groggy mornings! You’ve actually just made me realise that they have past and did a while ago. Since the I’ve been jumping out of bed to do yoga 🧘‍♀️ 😆

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I’m not sure I’ll ever be jumping out of bed … but I am soooo much better in the mornings. In fact I think my boys are considering clubbing together to buy me a bottle of wine because I’m suddenly not letting them get away with things. 🤣

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Claire, what you say here is a million miles from boring. It’s getting to the heart of the matter. What you describe, moving to a state of happiness from where you were is what drives most of us I think and to hear that reminds us and reinforces our collective commitment to a new preferred lifestyle. Good stuff and well done. You ARE bloody well doing it! 👍🏻🙂
    Jim x

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks Jim
      I feel a huge sense of relief that I’ve started to feel content with my life again. I’ve been scrabbling around in a haze trying to work out why I’m ansty and always looking for something else, when really I had it all along, I’d just stuck a bloody big cover of alcohol over it so I couldn’t see it. I know this is not going to be easy but I also know that what I’ve experienced in the past 13 days is what I want.
      Claire x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Lovely post – capturing the everything’s the same as it was but totally different at the same time feeling – my mood swings still happen but nothing like as much as they did! I’m still eating a lot of chocolate 8 months on; keep going sounds like you’re doing great! Xx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks for the support. That’s exactly how I feel … so different inside yet other than no alcohol absolutely nothing has changed in my life. It really is a very dangerous thing for some of us!!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I just figured out how to follow your blog, I tried a few times before and the follow button I couldn’t find…..but I found ya now! 😃 You are doing so great! Love reading your blogs! I find the holidays hard as I always like to drink as I make big dinners. Making a big dinner Saturday and I won’t be having any alcohol. I know I will be strong and not drink, but I know it will be on my mind.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Of course it will be on you mind .. it’s never off mine 😂. I’m finding AF drinks are helpful at times like that. I discovered Peroni Libera (0.0%) last night and actually really enjoyed a bottle. I’m with you on the dinners thing though … I really love cooking a big Sunday roast and having a glass of red as I do it. Who am I kidding? Glass?? Entire bottle and often 5pm dinner wasn’t served until 8.30pm because I was merrily distracting myself with wine. 🤦‍♀️
      Well done you for being strong. This is not easy but knowing others are going through similar things really helps. Xx

      Liked by 3 people

  5. Likewise on everything! I have found La Croix ( flavored sparkling water ) as a filler when needed so am getting some of that today after work in preparation for Saturday’s cooking! I hope you have a great day! 😃😃😃

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hi Claire, wow, sounds like you are doing great ! I remember feeling exhausted every morning for the first couple of weeks, but as you say, a different kind of tired than hungover-tired. Keep going ! And yes indeed, blogging is not about impressing other people but about getting in touch with yourself and keeping yourself accountable (or at least that’s what it is for me). So thanks for being here: reading your post helped inspire me to get serious about blogging again, so you definitely helped at least one person out there 🙂 Keep writing and keep hanging on 🙂 xxx Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Yes.i too had the vague headaches, body aches,etc. Exhaustion. I drank so much coffee!
    Naps are absolutely the right choice.
    And the calm. It is so lovely. That endures.

    I loved this post. Please keep sharing!
    Stillness and peace,

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Anne
      I have read some of your posts. You are amazing and so strong! Your last post made me stop abs think about some of the things I have been doing pre-sober and the impact they could have had on others. I have been given a second opportunity to embrace my life, my family and my friends and really live with it all, fully present.
      So, naps, coffee, sugar … I’ll use them to help me for now.

      I love the calm and if it endures then all the better 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I had found an article a few weeks after i started about all the “unexpected” things that happen when you first get sober. It was a life saver for me. I was so upset when i still felt exhausted after a few weeks, did not lose 20 lbs,( eating lots of junk) and my skin didn’t suddenly look flawless( I’m kind was not anxious pr depressed in the same “way” as with alcohol but that antsy feeling was still there too. Whoever wrote the article went into all that ( tried to find it now but cant) and stated that the nerves we have damaged with alcohol will be repairing themselves for quite awhile and that will have all of those side effects.However it was worded made me finally ok with it all and i was able to sort of accept that this was how it was going to be early on.I can tell you though that even almost a year later, although i haven’t lost much weight( my own fault ) and my skin still isn’t flawless, i am way less exhausted , anxious and depressed .But, i am also going through menopause at the same time, so, there’s THAT…haha.when i look back at my private recovery blog and see where i was at back then, it’s such a huge relief.I’ll never go back…sayin it like a mantra:)

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Hi Claire,
    Just discovered your blog. Bravo to you. Keep blogging, keep sharing. We are all stumbling along together. I still don’t look too far beyond one day at a time. Often one hour at a time, and I’m six years sober. I still love chocolate!
    Some of the most profound changes occurred oh so gradually, and it was only in hindsight I was able to say ‘holy shit – look at the way I now manage…’
    And don’t forget – keep being kind to yourself. If you screw up, yell, get angry or anxious, remember that it’s perfectly okay. We’re just human, not gods. Ya just climb back onto that horse and go again.
    Thinking of ya. 👍🏻

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hey
      Thanks so much for the post. The support on here has been amazing and so helpful. I do think I’m going to find Christmas really tough but I am determined that this is absolutely the right thing for me to do. Wow, six years … that’s fantastic. I’m chuffed I reached my 14th day today!! 2 weeks and already so much has started to change for me .. not on the surface but inside. I will try and be kind, I know I will still have all the emotions and bad days etc. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with that without alcohol .. I’ll call on my new sober gang for support for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Ahh the sugar cravings. Had those. Lots and often. Weaning myself off processed junk food even now. Being sober was the priority so I was ‘kind’ to myself and forgave my sugar cravings.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Just wonderful… so good. “This is not about impressing other people, this is about helping myself by trying to structure my thoughts and reflect on my progress.” YES!!! that’s it exactly. A reminder we sometimes all need to hear. Lovely post, and wonderful community feeling. You’re a natural! Nice to read that tip about Peroni Libera (0.0%) in the comments. 🎉

    Liked by 1 person

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