Fade to grey

Earlier today I read a post by Ashley at mentalhealthathome.org focusing on major depression and the impact it can have on someone’s day to day living. It’s a beautifully brave post, honestly expressing her experiences. Ashley’s words led to a moment of personal reflection and I wanted to share how ‘depression’ felt for me.

At its worst my depression probably lasted a year, maybe two, with a brief reprieve in the middle. It didn’t feel like I’d imagined depression was supposed to feel. Yep, I was a person that ‘judged’ depression. I’m ashamed to admit it but as they say, ignorance (although stupid) can be bliss. As Ashley describes, depression is not just about feeling ‘sad’. It’s so much more and affects individuals differently. I was unaware that the awful, soul destroying feelings I was experiencing were all part of the label ‘depression’.

For me, by far the worst aspect was the complete disengagement and disinterest in life. All colour gone, not even black and white. Just grey. No spark, no pleasure, not even a flutter of excitement. Added to the this was the debilitating feeling of not giving a shit. About anything or anyone. Seriously, even writing that down makes my chest tighten and triggers an overwhelming urge to go hug my boys. I was no longer there, I had disappeared.

Ashley lives daily with that feeling and talks about dealing with the grief of maybe never finding that person again. I am currently not depressed and I definitely have all the colour back in my life. That being said, I am not the person I was. She has also gone, as Ashley’s old self did, never to return. I am not sad about that. I like who I am now. Depression has changed me, for the better I think. I have a greater understanding of others and a compassion that wasn’t there before. I thank the universe on a daily basis that I feel well and I hope I never stop appreciating rainbows in all their colourful glory.

Claire xx

38 thoughts on “Fade to grey”

  1. So glad you were able to move through that time. And that you reached out and got the help you needed. I see time and again, that through our struggles comes strength and change for the better. Xx

    Liked by 3 people

      1. No!!! I need to get thinking! I’ll be in Belfast when I hit the 3 month mark and I suspect the people I’m with will all be terribly hungover from the day before. I think I might just go for a lovely walk by myself and have a completely decadent creamy coffee and cake!!! 100 days … I’m still considering my treat. Let me know your ideas xxx 😘

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yum! Cake and a nice walk sounds really good. And being smug that you aren’t hungover like your friends.😉 I’m leaning toward some kind of spa body treatment and a massage maybe. 😘🤗

        Liked by 1 person

  2. i couldn’t agree with you more about being grateful to have gone through it. I , too, was very judgmental abut people with “depression” all my life, because i never had it( or anxiety!) until peri-menopause came calling.. I would say ( to myself thank God) “they are just selfish, too focused on their own problems”. Wow. I, too, CRINGE when i think about the way i viewed it. Let me tell ya something though..i will never ever judge it that way again. I was just amazed that i couldn’t simply “get over it” whenever i wanted with just “positive thinking”. Nope…and i feel so humbled by the experience. As they say, the universe works in perfect ways.

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      1. indeed….i wish sometimes i could “cast menopause” onto certain people – i never knew it was real or this bad until i was suddenly in it. Not to bash men at all but a LOT of them don’t get it or even want to try (and i am talking about some i know personally ). It’s very much along the same lines. I actually thought i was getting early dementia, or had developed a brain tumor!

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      2. I’m starting to read up about it to prepare myself a little. Are there any good sites on here you’d recommend following? At the moment it’s really the monthly stuff … floors me for a few days.


      3. i just peruse anything i can find..there are a bunch of TED talks on youtube. I also follow a youtube channel called’ hot & flashy’, but she is also someone who obviously is making a living promoting beauty products on the side so i just avoid those videos. Her other stuff is good. And i watched a few interviews with various hormone specialists. I’ve learned some amazing stuff. And also that i am not crazy!!phew!!

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      4. thats what a lot of women say…things get drier from the inside out, so naturally take longer to heal..i pulled a rotator cuff while moving in november and it is still bad( even after 4 chiro appt.s & daily stretching, ice & heat).. oh yeah..the changes will amaze you..haha

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  3. This is so great to hear! It reminds me of a poem I wrote back when I was in High School. I remember one line of it said how I looked around and everything was black. I could see nothing but black. Then I finished how one day I went outside and saw color. I saw life, I saw more than black! I wasn’t expecting that to happen. This post was wonderful to read, gives me added hope for a loved one I am trying to help with depression. She’s seeing a counselor soon and I’m certain that’s the perfect first step, trying to talk through things.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow this resonated with me so much. At a point I thought I would just have to live without the colors, but now that they have come back, I want to shout to the rest of the world to never give up hope. The clouds really do pass. I am so glad they did for you Claire ❤ 🙂 xxx Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That feeling that it’s never going to change is the tough thing to move beyond. Trying to ‘do’ stuff to feel again only made me feel worse. Resting and giving myself permission to not get back out there was the best thing I did. Oh and stopping drinking alcohol … of course!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. yes, yes a giant yes to resting, i.e. just “being”, as opposed to constantly striving to “do” something. Depressed people are so hard on themselves it’s crucial to give oneself permission to let go and stop fighting so hard, because then out of gentleness and rest something new can emerge 🙂 lol and yes, sobriety is kind of essential to producing that quietness hehehe xxx Anne

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  5. I view depression as more of a spirit or soul sickness. Feels like I’m disconnected from the deepest part of myself… like I’ve forgotten who I am or why I’m here. For me, treating the depression on every level is important. Mind, body and spirit. Thank you for sharing Claire. A topic that is so important to talk about. So many struggle with it. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Been away from WP for too long but so glad the first post I read was this one. Really insightful description of what depression feels like on the inside. I think this would be a great post to share with anyone who is suffering from depression and believes it will never get better. It can and it did for you and that’s a powerful statement. I’m glad things look better for you now. Not just that you seem to have gained some positives from the experience. Great stuff. Jim x

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Thanks Jim. It’s a blessing to be able to look back at it now and see how different I feel and how far I have come. I know for many others it’s a daily struggle for a very long time and as Elizabeth said above, the disconnection from every part of you is tough to bear.
    Nice to see you back on WP 😁


  8. Love your post about depression. I have MDD and anxiety and ADHD. I’m also sober since 2012. I’m a 47 year old wife and mother of 3 boys. Getting sober really helped me get to a place of acceptance and understanding of my mental condition and I have no shame. Just so grateful I feel more comfortable in my skin. As time goes by, I feel more and more evened out. I love your site and your courage to share with such transparency. So glad to have been connected to you and look forward to reading more!!

    Liked by 1 person

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