Fed-up Friday Feelings

Struggling tonight folks. Really have found today hard and I’m trying to think about why that might be the case.

This weekend I’m approaching my 3 month sober milestone. My head tells me that’s a huge achievement but my heart doesn’t feel the same. Tonight I just feel exhausted. Overwhelmed by life and shit. There isn’t really anything specific I can blame it on. I’ve just lost my mojo. I actually sat on the train on the way home from work and really fancied coming home and pouring a large glass of Shiraz. For the first time in a while I thought ‘fuck it, I want to experience that first sip on a Friday night feeling’. I didn’t. I poured a glass of AF wine and drank that instead, whilst taking a bath with bubbles, candles and classical chill tunes on Alexa.

I wonder if I’m spending too much time alone when I’m not at work. Without alcohol I have felt far more at ease in my own company and less inclined to go out and socialise. I still have lots of contact with friends. I’m just not instigating evenings out and they therefore don’t happen as much. I’m fine with that but maybe there is only so much ‘alone’ time one can tolerate.

I suspect myself and my husband often spent our Friday evenings drinking together. Now I just start to get bored of the TV very quickly and tired much earlier. I think our relationship has changed and we aren’t as close because alcohol isn’t there to glue us together. It was what we did. What we’ve always done. Now I’m not drinking the cracks are beginning to show. To be honest they were appearing before but alcohol just papered over them. I can’t address that at the moment though. It’s too big. Just too scary.

I don’t ever regret giving up alcohol though. In spite of evenings and days like today, it was without a doubt the best decision I ever made. If it means I’m going to have to face tough challenges that I have been denying exist or ignoring then so be it. I’ll be better for it. For each ‘bad’ day there are now countless ‘good’ days. I am grateful for that. I’ll start my journal tomorrow. I think it will help. Thoughts still whizz around. I’m learning to pay attention to them but not to hold onto them. Meditation is still new to me but I’m practicing.

It’s hard work isn’t it? Changing, developing, managing without our crutch. Stopping addiction. I’ve become more introverted and introspective than I ever believed I could be. I like being that way but I guess I forget how much I effort this takes and that there will be times where it’s emotionally draining. Tonight I don’t feel there’s much left in the tank. I don’t want to appear negative because none of this journey has been negative. Challenging yes, negative no. It’s important to write about the tough stuff too.

So my lovely sober gang, I’ll go to sleep feeling a little better that I’ve shared with friends how I’m feeling. As we all know, sometimes all we can do is sleep it off. Tomorrow is a new day.

Claire xx

Photo of one of my favourite places just to cheer myself up 😊

49 thoughts on “Fed-up Friday Feelings”

  1. I know for me it was hard at first on Friday nights. I felt I lost some fun with Mr. UT.
    Instead I realized it was different, and I learned to accept. Our Friday nights are for walking, or a movie and popcorn.
    Give yourself some time, and hugs for staying sober!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Wendy. It really helps me knowing others had similar struggles too. It was an odd week and as Friday approached I just ran out of strength. Amazing to wake up and have so much support on here though xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. my nights were always thursdays ( i was off) and fridays to recoup. When i switched form wine to beer i figured it would be easier not to over do it. Eventually i got myself up to drinking 10-12 beers those nights and blacking out. Things got pretty horrible , yet in the first few months i couldn’t stop missing it- go figure.I am glad i got through it. But i am nt perfect for sure.I made a deal with myself which i have kept, as my next post will show..you are doing great Claire! This stuff will pass with time…believe in that !

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yep, why do we miss what we know for sure made us unhappy. I suppose at the time I associated it with happiness and good times. That’s hard to reframe some days! Thanks so much for your support. Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

    1. ‘Growing pains can be painful’ … I love this Elizabeth. It’s simple but so true. I think my resilience ebbed away this week and by last night I was ‘done’. Maybe because I feel so much better a lot of the time I forget I’m still having to work at this and it is an effort. Thanks for your spot on comment. You are so right xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re doing so well. And you’re right self improvement takes effort. Some days you just need a break and put your feet up.
    Changing a habit to a better one isn’t easy.
    What have you wanted to try? Do it on Friday nights. Give yourself time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s so true. It does take effort. Much of the work is happening under the surface and I forget how tiring it is. In the end I allowed myself to just have a good cry and then sleep. I do feel better this morning. Not back to full strength and I can tell I still need to be gentle with myself! Having support from everyone on here is immense!! Xxx

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  4. So glad you posted, Claire. It’s definitely like this for many of us from time to time. Heck I’m coming up on a year and have been running on 1 cylinder all week. You’re not alone. You did great though not letting it get the best of you and drinking. Very proud of you my friend🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Dwight, thanks so much for commenting. That’s exactly how it’s felt. Running on one cylinder and then that ran out last night. I’m so glad I didn’t drink. Weirdly I dreamt about it and woke up with a phantom hangover!! These brains of ours eh?? Xx

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello my lovely friend. I was debating whether to post but actually it does help to just put down in writing what’s happening. I felt better for it and that’s the purpose of the blog for me. Plus the overwhelming support from you guys is invaluable and the thing that keeps me on track. Sorry to hear you’ve been struggling too. I found the 6/7 week point really tough but so glad I stuck with it. Riding these tough times out is definitely part of this amazing and challenging journey. Some days there is just nothing left though is there?? Sending love to you Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are so correct on blogging and the support I have come to love. I’m stressed and have a big cold sore to show for it and one of my trigger times is when I’m stressed but I have learned how to cope better and not just run to numb myself. I’m happy to say there’s no way I’m going back to a drink to numb any feelings! 😃 Last night after work I made chicken wing dip, watched 2 crime shows with my La Croix and went to bed. I was upset I really have nothing to look forward to in life. It’s all about work work work and no extra money. Woke up this morning and hopeful for a better day after work today! Hope you have a great day to Lovie-love!!! Big hugs to you!! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have times where I feel like that. Nothing to look forward to and then annoyed with myself for even feeling like that. I’m sure is partly my age. Last night I really missed my boys being little. It was hard work but I loved it. I love them dearly now but sometimes I wish I could go back to hold and cuddle them.
        One of life’s challenges is letting them grow up and into independent adults isn’t it? It just hits me how much I miss those days sometimes xxx

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      3. Your first two sentences are spot on! Also I work alone for the most part and I don’t really pal around with anyone either. ( girl wise ) I have a friend I see every few months but that’s about it. I know likely social interaction would benefit me but at the same time after work I get tired and don’t even want to exert myself to get ready to go anywhere. Today after work I’m going to get some groceries and such and make a snack and tell myself to be in a better mood and maybe watch a movie on Netflix with avery.
        Also-YES! It is hard to see our kids growing up. I have this small drawer in my kitchen full of old photos of them as kids that I particularly love. I look at them to reminisce. I have been getting emotional missing those innocent days of snowman building and winter sledding. When Dora the Explorer was on tv every day and remembering the one Dora birthday party I made a Dora cake and made her lips so red Avery said she looked like slutty Dora. 😂😂😂 I also miss when they were younger anything they were experiencing I could fix, wether it be an outward boo boo or inward thoughts. It was just simple due to their age. Currently talking about graduation this weekend! Yikes. Well I see some sun outside today! Hope that lasts! You have definitely added some sunshine to my day today! 😊

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  5. I’m so glad you seem to be feeling a bit better now. Yeah, those days are hard! If we just get through them, though, mornings are always better. Maybe try making some dates to go out with your girlfriends soon in the evenings? I’ve been making more of an effort to hang out with my friends I used to drink with, and I’m deliberately making plans to see a movie or go to a museum instead. It has been really good. Maybe your husband would enjoy trying something new, too. Xxxx 🤗

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    1. You know, I think I will do that. Maybe it’s time to start taking some action. The cinema sounds like a great idea and perhaps I am missing the girlfriend factor a little. The winter months never help matters either do they? Thanks 😊 xxx

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  6. Hi Claire
    Fridays were really tough for me for first three months , now they are roughish now and then. Changing habits is so difficult and alcohol does sedate so we do miss its ability to give us the feeling of relief. But it’s a temporary relief and sounds like you are confronting some difficult issues raw and for real. That’s difficult. Hope you are feeling a bit better now and well done for not cracking. Jim x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Glad to hear you moved through your difficult emotions. Yes, we still get to deal with “all the things,” stress, overwhelm, loneliness, doubt, when we’re sober. But I find it’s always better in the morning (instead of hating ourselves in the morning, we see things with a clear head and hopefully kindness and respect toward ourselves). Recovery is a life-long journey with hills and valleys, but at least we’ve put aside the addiction journey that leads to self destruction, yes?! Sending strength and love as you tackle the difficulties. You are stronger than you know! 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Collette. It’s been a tough weekend and I have been craving alcohol more than recent weeks. The morning comes and I do feel relief that I have a clear head and am proud of myself. Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Hey Claire
    How you feeling today, I’m a little late!
    I know how you feel too, I’ve been thinking about it all weekend and have been wondering why my mood has been low! I haven’t but I’ve come close, the emotional exhausting I can totally relate too! It’s great to talk about it as sometimes I feel all we all talk about is the good of being AF but not so much the things we are struggling with. I love that you mentioned that you are now a slight introvert as I feel like this too, it’s was a strange revelation for me as I always thought I was so confident yet it seems the alcohol was making me this way.
    Lots of love
    Emma xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hiya. There is so much change and most of it good. But there are things I miss and struggle with. I’m currently in Belfast with my husbands family for a christening. It’s been nice, good fun etc. But now everyone is well into that getting well oiled stage and I’ve come back to the hotel for a break from it. I would never have done that before. I don’t feel like I’m missing out but it is very boring of me!! I’ll go back out later but they’ll be beyond coherent by that point. I don’t know how I feel about this type of situation any more. Not easy Emma. This weekend has not been easy for sure!! Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope you got through it, it’s not easy and can be exhausting! Great that you have got the hotel to escape to, I used to do that even when I was drinking 😆 I hope you are proud you did it xx

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  9. Do give the relationship time. My ex and I became so much close in the years after we quit drinking. We talked more, travelled, became better friends.

    It ended badly, but those last 5 years were some of the best. Filled with travelling and living.

    Hug. They give a chip at 90 days because it is a dicey time. You can get through it. Just don’t drink. No matter what.

    Take care
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s interesting they give a chip at 90 days. This weekend has been tough. For a few reasons. I’m feeling out of sorts and like I’ve lost my way a bit. Lots has been centred around drinking and that’s just not me anymore.

      I’m not going to drink.
      Thanks for your support. It means a lot. Plus I’m glad you had some good times with your ex, even thought it ended badly. Xxx 😘

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  10. I know that feeling Claire. I just finished writing about being stuck in a rut, actually. I’ll post that next post. I’m glad you chose to write about it though. People don’t want to talk about these things, but we need to. Being sober sucks sometimes. Like really sucks. It feels boring and dull. I always try to remember that my alternative was boring and dull as well. Drinking felt new and exciting, but, by the end, it was the same old havoc over and over and over and over again. Total madness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so right Mark. The alternative to being alcohol free is to drink again and today I’ve watched my husbands family knock it back. I’ve laughed with them and it’s been fine but I’d had enough after 4 hrs and had to head back to the hotel for a break. It became dull. They were dull. But oddly I feel like the boring one!! I know for sure I don’t want to feel the way they are all feeling. It would be of more benefit to me at all. It’s just so tough feeling like an outsider. God I’m a bit all over the place at the moment!!!
      Thanks for commenting though.
      Claire x

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  11. Claire, I feeeeeel you !!!! ❤ Everyone has said it but I want to reiterate: you are doing so incredibly well ! Felling bad / exhausted some nights is part of it, but you made the choice to not run away from reality and that is the most admirable choice one can make. Yes difficult challenges/dilemmas appear and cracks begin to show. And opportunities to create the life we want to live, while we are still alive, come with it. It's scary, and it's all we have, unless we want to go back to running and hiding (is that even possible?). Your tank will feel full again soon if it doesn't already – and then when one is replenished with hope and energy and joy, those big questions dissolve into smaller day by day moments which seem so much more manageable. Anyway I really really admire the way you are handling everything – I wish I had your resilience !!!! xxx walking a path similar-parallel to yours somewhere on this cray planet and sending big big hugs, xxx Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the hugs Anne and gratefully received. 🤗 It has been so fabulous to receive all the support on here. I am so lucky to have found you all. You are one resilient lady too! It’s been a shaky weekend and I’m still wading through treacle a little. I know 100% this is the best path for me though so I intend to stay on it. Xxx

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    1. Hi. I’m doing better today I think. Survived yesterday which involved my in laws drinking from 2pm after a christening! That was hard work and at about 6 I went back to the hotel and chilled out there by myself. Boring but necessary. Less exhausted today. 3 months achieved and I’m proud of that. You ok?

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  12. I love this post. Can relate to so much in it. I have to agree with Anne, though. Give it time. I find that my relationship with my husband (who still drinks, but moderately), is starting to deepen lately. It’s partly due to me being honest (gently, I hope, or at least I try) about the fact that yes, without wine, I’m bored to tears watching TV/movies/talking about old drinking times etc. I also give him lots of love and hugs for all the ways he does support me, which are very different from the ways I support him.

    By the way I LOVED this line: “I didn’t. I poured a glass of AF wine and drank that instead, whilst taking a bath with bubbles, candles and classical chill tunes on Alexa.”

    Yes, that’s what I should do more often. Self-care is hugely important for staving off the I’m-not-drinking-poor-me’s.

    Much love 💖💕🌱🌷

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nadine you are so right. I don’t think I thought about what else would change around me when I gave up drinking. I was so focused on just not reaching for the wine, I didn’t consider long term impacts. It’s like living a new life!! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I don’t drink and my husband does, but he does in a way I never did, which is “not too much.” It’s not much of a wedge between us, but I remember once upon a time we spent a lot of time doing the same things, such as working, watching boxing, watching MMA, going to the gym, driving, then we had kids and one tiny thing at a time changed, and now I wonder if there is anything that we both still do, breathing, eating oatmeal, drinking coffee, I guess there are some things that draw us together, but it sometimes feels like there is a glass wall between us, we are in the same room, not mad, but his mind will be on politics and new and my mind will be on books and philosophy. I just started the book “Caffeine” by Michael Pollan, he starts the book describing the “lull” in motivation that comes with quitting coffee. I’m not quitting coffee now, but I did with two pregnancies and that’s very much how I felt, wondering if it mattered. That feeling seemed to happen to me so many times Wednesday that I would schedule everything I hated Wednesday because I expected it to be a bad day (yes kind of childish, but for some reason, it always hit me that day), so I pilled bills and doctor’s appointments onto that day. I don’t know if I can say anything helpful, but I’ll try, when I hiked to the top of half dome in Yosemite, ever step looked the same, just trees, steep hillside with rocks and a river and a lot of trees, but then most of the way in there is suddenly a huge rock, the area that feels like it never ends, ends suddenly someday, it’s just hard to see the progress in the middle, every step is the same amount of progress, but the ease of seeing it isn’t all the same, then at the very end is a huge rock with a metal latter stuck into it, the cables look so extreme, but it’s easier than the mundane looking forest walk that it took to get to the amazing looking peak. I drank what seems like a lifetime ago and many years later you may not count years anymore, it may be a non-issue someday. It takes much longer than people want to imagine, but not forever. It seems like you aren’t going anywhere fast until suddenly you realize a long way has passed, it’s as if we can’t see small amounts of progress as we go through the work of them, but everything you are doing matters. It’s a better life for you, that elevates your health, what you can do for those around you, for yourself, courage elevates all of us, because we are mostly always struggling against something, if not alcohol something else. Everyone who has courage is a torch in the darkness, every step in the right direction creates a wider, firmer path for all who follow. Just doing your best every day is a small form of heroism, it brightens the world, just a bit. Did you know people do glow? There is bioluminescence, but it’s so low it’s not visible to us? Not visible, but there, the light you bring to the world and the hope you bring to others every time you do your best. 🌟

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