Night & Day

I wrote most of this post late last night and just couldn’t bring myself to publish it for some reason. I saved it and re-read it this morning. I added another paragraph or two and decided to put it out there. It’s therefore confused and a bit of a ramble, not dissimilar to my mind right now.

I have started so many posts tonight and then decided not to carry them on or just deleted them. Life is very muddled sometimes and it can be so difficult to get those thoughts down on paper (or blog in this case!).

There is no clarity tonight. I’m feeling disjointed and uneasy. Interestingly I can identify that much more easily now but that isn’t altogether helpful when I am in the centre of it. There is no distinct issue. I’m not in a bad mood and nothing has ‘gone wrong’. I simply feel at odds with myself.

I know I’m overthinking and mulling over the future. I understand that there will be times where the lovely feeling of calm and peace are disrupted. I realise I absolutely need to deal with my own personal dissonance. It’s just tricky when I can’t put a finger on the problem. I’ll try to get some things down here. Maybe it will help.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage. About how, as a couple, we interact, engage and communicate after 20 plus years together. Is there still enough between us to keep us together as the boys grow up and inevitably away? I’m probably not the first person to have ever wondered or worried about this. I doubt I’ll be the last. What were we once like as a ‘new’ couple? Did we talk and giggle into the early hours, wanting to feel each other’s presence all through the night? I honestly can’t remember. That makes me sad. Those memories are gone.

I don’t want us to only be able to function by living almost separate lives. I would like to share interests and hobbies and for us to talk about those interests. I couldn’t think of anything more lonely than feeling alone in a relationship. Maybe at this stage in a marriage/partnership you have to reinvent yourself as a couple. Or maybe I should just accept and be content with how things are. Lower my expectations. That’s tricky when you aren’t even sure what your expectations are. I don’t know what I want or what I need. Plus, if I don’t even know, how can I communicate it to another person?

Then there’s work. I do love my job. It’s rewarding and motivating and I’m one of those lucky people who work with people I’d consider good friends. Am I going to do the same thing for the next 15-20 years? There isn’t really anywhere I can progress to now. I can sense the time approaching where I need something new to challenge me. Does that have to be within work? Could it be something else entirely?

So many questions unanswered. I’ll sleep on it.

It’s now the morning after the night before. I have already cancelled my two gym classes which is often a sign I’m not functioning very well mentally. I have been struggling with numbness, pins and needles and stiff hands, wrists and arms for a while now. I’ve had lots of tests. Nothing found and they are still ongoing. Recently it’s become painful and very weak and achy. This morning was terrible. Is it related to stress in my mind? Perhaps.

I’ll try to get out later. Go for a long walk. I already know I won’t run. It’s going to be one of ‘those’ days for me. God I hate this feeling of being stuck. That’s the only way I can describe it. At least I’m not hungover or feeling weighed down by alcohol. That made days like today 100 times worse. Sobriety means I know I’ll get through it and the feelings will pass. I’ll find some tools to help me today. Ones I know I can cope with.

Too much ruminating about the past and the future makes Claire an anxious mess. Staying in the present is bloody difficult some days though. I will try.

Claire xx

43 thoughts on “Night & Day”

  1. Hi Claire,there’s a lot of stuff in this post and a lot that you are having to deal with at the same time. A walk is just a walk but it can help so hope you can enjoy that. If our lives are like a journey it sounds like you’ve reached a kind of crossroads. Keep yourself well and put your needs first for a while. Thinking of you and take care x Jim

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  2. Today is the day for long walks! I’ve decided this morning that I will go back over to the horse paddocks and clean up and spend time outside, I need it.

    With having teenagers also and knowing in a couple years they will both be out of the house and in college I think of life after that. It will be so different! I know I want to change jobs at that point. I don’t like my current job but it’s very flexible for kids appointments and such so I think I’ll ride it out until then.

    Living separate lives when married would be hard for me. I know 2 couples that do that though! They seem quite happy but it’s just not for me.

    Hope you have a great walk and I hope your numbness/pins and needles feeling gets better!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Jackie. I know it’s a familiar issue for many marriages and it’s about finding a new/different way of being. It is fear of the unknown maybe? I walked with the boys to meet my parents and we laughed a lot on the way home. That was really lovely 😊 xxx

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      1. Sounds perfect! My girls have a friend here, she’s been here all day and the laughter is wonderful to hear. My senior broke away for a few hours due to she wanted to go thrift shopping. We went together ( I got groceries while she thrifted ) and she picked out some items for me and I love them! Washing them up now.

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      2. That sounds like a lovely day. Yesterday was ok in the end. I’ve woken feeling a little low again. Just can’t shake it. Strange!

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  3. Hi Claire: I can relate to so many things you said here. I have very similar thoughts sometimes. It must be common at our age to feel this crossroads thing. For me it is realizing that time passes and life is short, and I don’t want regrets when I’m old that life was not all it could have been. A long walk sounds like just the thing for a mood like that. You can always plan out baby steps in directions that might help with clarity-new ideas for dates with your husband or a class or volunteer gig on the side to learn something new. I hope you feel better soon! The pins and needles thing sounds so stressful. I’m glad you are investigating it. Big hugs! 💜

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    1. I know you are right Leafy! It’s good to hear others have the same feelings and sometimes just sharing your thoughts helps that feeling of being alone in this. We had a lovely walk, I went with my boys. We met up with my parents and then on the way home we laughed a lot. That was a great feeling. Your suggestion of baby steps sounds really important and a great idea. Thanks so much for the comment and support xxx

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  4. All sounds so familiar, Claire. Have you done much reading on “PAWS”? (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) It can cause a lot of this emotional unrest, in subtle ways even. A medication that has done wonders for many is Campral, although its been unavailable for a while here in Canada. It helped me a LOT when I put in that long sober stretch last year…But aside from that, having relationship questions at this stage of life is very normal. Counselling can be super helpful for that…although it too could be a part of a mild PAWS effect…((((hugs))))💜

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    1. I’ve only read a small amount Nelson but maybe I’ll look into it more. I was wondering if restarting counselling would help. I’m definitely sticking with my antidepressants for the foreseeable. I can tell now would not be a good time to stop them. I feel disloyal questioning my marriage and my relationship but if I don’t view it with honesty and truth then it can’t evolve and develop right?
      How are you doing?
      Claire xx

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    1. That would be fab! A running friend. 😁 We should invent ‘virtual running buddies’!!
      I know what you mean about the ‘not quite right’ feeling … unsettling. Thanks for the hugs x

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  5. I’m really glad you got in a long walk and some good laughs with your boys. Sounds like you’re dealing with some heavy stuff. Marriage (and I’m on my second) takes a lot of work. It’s so easy to starts existing in parallel universes if you don’t consciously try to do otherwise. Maybe you can find some kind of hobby or interest that you both enjoy, to see if that helps you reconnect? Be kind to yourself and listen to your body (especially your heart). ♥️ xx

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    1. It does feel quite heavy and sometimes I have to take a step back and look at what I do have. I know there are so many positives. It sure does take a lot of work. 😅 xx

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  6. Hang in there Claire ❤ I know how "those" days feel and the only thing I can cling to in those cases is "tomorrow will be a new day". you'e doing everything right and asking yourself some deep questions – this is all part of the work!!!! ❤ Anne

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    1. Hi Emma. No problem. I’m doing ok. Sun is out and skies are blue. Back into work after working away for a week. I work in a hospital for NHS so I’m sure the coming weeks will be a little crazy with everything going on. Hope you’re ok too xx

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  7. it’s odd, other than my 10 year marriage, i have no experience with this, but have heard it from others. .i think it is something to think about and consider . Possibly some changes in your daily routine could help. I know it sounds too simple, but my motto is “when the old stuff stops working, it’s time to try new things” -and this may be true with diet, exercise and other habits.. not sure about the marriage thing..i don’t have a great track record there..

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    1. Change is definitely required. I feel if I get back into a routine f exercise then I’ll have a more positive outlook in general. That is my next goal. Marriage or long term partnership is tricky. My counsellor once told me that ‘love’ takes many forms and it will look and feel different at different stages of a relationship. I think that’s important to remember! Xxx

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  8. Hi, dear Claire, lovely post… I think relationships that last always need to be evaluated and refreshed, that’s how they last. It’s hard work for sure. But worthwhile, if it works out. I started this sober journey kind of feeling like, I dunno… about the marriage… I definitely decided to put sobriety before marriage, at that point. That served me well.

    Things have changed, over the past 11+ months, slowly, for the better… perhaps mainly because I released my attachment to it working out, while at the same time remaining committed to trying? Something like that.

    We are both committed, there never seems to be a doubt in his mind, he’s very decisive like that though. Also, for me it helps to remain very, very honest about my feelings, to him, over the important stuff, no matter how hard that gets sometimes… while at the same time trying to “watering the person’s inner flower,” as the Buddhists sometimes put it… and also to approach things with an “attitude of gratitude”… and “not sweating the small stuff.”

    I love your post, can relate a lot, I think most people can at who are at this stage of life. So it’s alllllways lovely to read about it. Love love love. Thanks for this gift to us all. xoxoxoxoxo Nadine

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    1. Ah Nadine, I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have read your comment. It hit home and I feel so supported by the fact that you felt a similar way. There never seems to be doubt in my husbands mind either, but maybe that’s because we haven’t openly discussed our future together. Since I posted this I have decided to be more open with him but trying to not criticise. I want it to work, I’m committed to us staying together but I need someone who I share my life with, not just function alongside. Does that make sense? It’s good to know I not alone and that challenging the status quo is not perhaps as selfish as it can feel! Hugs 🤗 and love 💕 to you xxx

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      1. Oh wow. Thanks so much for this you’ve made my evening, seriously. That thing about the sharing the life — yes! That’s it! And yet, the funny thing is, the minute I sort of let go of that in my mind, it feels like we share our lives more and he becomes more loving. It’s a fricking tough road, toughing out a long relationship, but I feel that the benefits outweigh the negs. The not criticizing thing is major. As is speaking our true mind matter-of-factly (not plaintively) on the important stuff. Thank you again for this, and hugs and much love back!!! xoxoxox 💗

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      2. You know what I have also noticed the thing about ‘letting go’ of how I think it should be having a positive impact. I do miss the loving aspect that seems to fade as time passes. It’s a tough one that’s for sure. Thanks again and for the love and hugs. Really appreciated ☺️❤️ xxx

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      3. Absolutely. That was my biggest issue. I craved loving attention, romance, wooing, basically. At first journalling filled the gap a bit, but also led to a desire for change. Then my spiritual love affair with “Tree” (or whatever one wants to call higher power, god, etc.) filled the gap. Then it was interacting with other writers on wordpress, including here in sobriety blogland. Things are not always smooth, but I kept my husband completely informed about everything and I like to believe he does the same for me about his work and things, and I think that’s what is the glue that holds us together. This living somewhat separate lives but every meal is together (when he is home) as a family and major decisions are made as a family. That took a lot of work and acceptance to get to that point. Still working on it, every day. I love chatting with you, so thanks, it’s wonderful. More hugs and love. ❤️xoxoxo

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      4. Honestly Nadine, reading this has helped so much. Though I’m not naive enough to believe everyone has a ‘perfect’ relationship, I think I am guilty of expecting far too much in my own! I too crave the loving attention etc and I know I do things that fill the gap. Since giving up alcohol those things have been more constructive and are important for positive mental health I think. They don’t, however, address the main issue! It’s probably time I did that. So so good to share this with you.
        Claire xxx 😘

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      5. Same same same. ❤️❤️❤️It’s kind like all those memes say. We need to give ourselves (and others) the love and admiration we sometimes crave *from* others. Then we become more lovable and love comes back to us from outside. Something like that. Sobriety is a big help for further awareness. It’s the road less travelled but perhaps the more rewarding one. That’s actually from my husband’s favourite poem, come to think of it. He’s not much of a poetry fan but he loves that one Robert Frost poem, “The Road Not Taken.” It ends:

        “Two roads diverged in a wood and I — 
        I took the one less travelled by,
        And that has made all the difference.”

        Hmm I might cheekily quote that one back to him next time he’s loudly smacking his lips over a glass of real wine, while I enjoy my Bonne Nouvelle. ;)))

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  9. Thinking of you Claire. Keep asking the questions. Seeing a well trained, experienced and neutral Councellor may well be useful, just to air and share and see what they say in return. Be kind to yourself. Ciao.

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    1. Thanks BB. I’m challenging things and that’s never going to be easy I guess. Revisiting counselling is a great suggestion and it has been on my mind. X

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      1. Counsellors have certainly helped me unravel some things in the past. They can’t it all, but they can be a good start. The important thing is finding a good one. Shop around if needs be. Relationships are, as you well know, tricky, wonderful, complicated, painful, delightful and much more. Be brave, be true to yourself and be honest. Perhaps it’s time to be a a bit selfish and focus on what you want. Ultimately, what’s best for you will be best for everyone. Good luck with it all and keep blogging.

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