No respect for social distancing …

In the midst of social distancing and self isolation I still get two visitors knocking on my door. They don’t stick to guidelines or obey rules. Nope, they let themselves in and take over.

Anxiety has been here for a couple of days now. I kind of know how to deal with him (or is it a her?). I’ll refer to it as male for ease. He winds me up, throws all sorts of questions and ‘what ifs’ in my way. Dishes out problems I can’t solve and situations I can’t control. When I come up with a solution, he won’t accept it. Like a toddler repetitively asking ‘why?’ and ‘when?’.

I can handle anxiety. I use techniques to bring me to the present and the strategies do work, now that my body and brain are no longer muddled and confused with alcohol. Yesterday morning was particularly bad but I persevered. I cleaned, I ran and I listened to my buddhify app. So far so good. Or so I thought.

With a huge hit of anxiety I can sometimes have a visit from depression. She (I’ll switch genders in the name of equality) hasn’t been in my life for well over 6 months. I haven’t missed her, not one bit. I thought I was rid of her but like the proverbial bad penny, here she is! I could feel her coming late last night. I know that sounds weird but I know the signs now. Sure enough, 3am there I was. Wide awake and hanging out with two old ‘friends’.

This morning, anxiety had moved on for a break but not depression. She’s moved in, feet right under the table. That awful feeling of no feeling. Knowing there is so much you can do to help yourself and so much to be personally grateful for but absolutely no way to reach through the black fog and grab it. Not even a desire to do that. No energy, no interest in things that made you buzz with excitement only a few days ago. Most of all, no bloody reason. There is nothing in my life that others aren’t struggling with right now. Many many struggling with more challenges than I am.

At the moment I don’t have a positive, inspiring ending to my post today. I wanted to describe the feelings and emotions to try and depersonalise them. I’m furious that they, particularly depression, have returned to this extent and I’m praying it lifts quickly. I need to face what we are all going through as ‘Claire’ with my friends, family and loved ones by my side. There is no room for anxiety or depression. Quite frankly they can both fuck off!

Stay safe all

Claire xx

34 thoughts on “No respect for social distancing …”

  1. I’m praying it lifts quickly, too! I’m so sorry you are going through a hard time right now. I have been particularly anxious recently, too, but as you say, it’s easier to deal with than depression. But maybe you could allow yourself to feel shitty for a bit. It’s completely understandable. It will lift!!! Big hugs! ❤️

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      1. It is certainly a pretty scary situation in the world right now. And such a sad one. I’m ok, but I can’t imagine how I would feel without my meds right now! I hope tomorrow is a better day! 🤗🌱

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      2. I was thinking exactly the same thing today! I was planning to come off them in the next month or two. That’s not happening for the foreseeable now! I hope so too 😘 🤗 xx

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  2. I love you! ❤️ I wanted to start off with that. Everything going on is so trying. Personally I want to work and make money but my job limits that and last week I had almost no income. I feel so inadequate. We live paycheck to paycheck. Reached out to next weeks clients. I have confirmed less than half of jobs. I’ll take it.
    It is a very dull time now. Dull income and dull on emotions. I agree, all can eff-off!
    But…..I know for especially my teenage girls I need to keep, keeping on. We can get through this! You are way stronger than me! 😘

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  3. Yeh who needs those two coming round, but they are there and you’ve seen them off before and you will again. You’re tougher than them, they have no idea who they are messing with. Ride it out Claire, you know you’ve done it before. It must be shitty for you but it does pass. All the best and thinking of you. Jim x

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      1. Keep up that attitude Claire and you’ll have them running for the hills. 🙂You’re one strong woman Claire and I’m glad you overcame some strong feelings and managed to get to work. You’re very determined but be careful not to push yourself too hard! X

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  4. I’m sorry you’ve got unwanted visitors. Tell them there’s no vacancy at your place! Sending love and strength. ♥️😘💪🏼

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  5. a great analogy! yes, i , too have been struggling with the depression.. EVEN though i have been pretty isolated like this for a long time. I so wish i could just kick that intruder in the privates and close the door. But sometimes it isn’t that easy. More & more the effect it is having on OTHERS has affected me more than any changes i am experiencing personally. Hard to explain, but i am like a sponge when it comes to auras and tension around me. Just continue to be kind to yourself and nourish the parts that need it most…xoxox

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    1. I just don’t get it but the more I rant and get annoyed with it the worse I feel. It is what it is, I have depression which comes and goes. I love the thought of kicking them both in the privates and slamming that door! 😂
      Sending love to you Lovie. Hope you are ok xx

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  6. Claire I feel for you – in such scary times it is natural to be anxious and as a health worker you have a lot to be anxious about and a lot of stress. I agree with Leafy – allow your feelings and be curious about them if you can and be kind to yourself – it’s not bad or wrong it just is – I try and find moments of joy on days like this and really focus on them – a flower, a cuddle etc lots of love and hugs to you xxx💞💞💞

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    1. Yes, I need to use my tool box. I haven’t been spending enough time doing the things that make me feel good and happy. I tend to fight against the feelings which leads to anger. Maybe acceptance on some level would be more helpful? Thanks for commenting xxx

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  7. At first I thought you were talking about the JW’s… haha. I used to enjoy their visits, with a side of friendly philosophical debate. ;))) But depression and anxiety… those are definitely harder guests to host. But sounds like you’re managing them with your usual awareness and strength. Hugs for you, and for them 🤗🤗🤗…and some fresh flowers 💐🌷🌸🌹🌼🌿🌻💕

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  8. Ahh yes knowing the signs of when the visitors are coming is a sign you are understanding and observing yourself better. Accepting them and shooing them out sooner when you can. The toolkit as someone mentioned. Why is it when they come our brain tends to freeze and we cannot find our way out of a paper bag. Be kind to yourself. Make a cup of tea and watch Netflix, read a book if you are able. I know I cannot read easily when the visitors are there. Mrs A lets herself in in the mornings and so by afternoon I am exhausted. Mr D is not welcome and I have been ignoring his knocks. Gingernuts (biscuits) seem to ward off Mr D. I have run out of them. Need to make my own now to keep him at bay. Be strong or whimpy. You don’t always need to be strong. Be kind to yourself. Xxx

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    1. Brilliant comment. Really appreciate it. Can’t find my way out of a paper bag is just EXACTLY right! I too find it hard to settle to anything when they come calling. TV, reading, my attention is just not there. So good to have your take on it. Thank you 😊
      Claire 🤗❤️

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  9. Hi Claire !!!! What hits me with this post is: whoooooaaaaAAAAaaaaa you are being SO HARD on yourself, adding a layer of guilt and self-flagellation to the already difficult feelings 🙂 “no bloody reason. There is nothing in my life that others aren’t struggling with right now”: isn’t it crazy how we allow OTHERS to feel these things and don’t say “THEY should not suffer, because OTHER people suffer too”, and yet we beat ourselves up for feeling bad, when in fact there IS a reason, a bloody good reason: This situation is HAAAAARD as fuck, and it’s 100000% normal to feel this way. (I’m in sermon mode because I had a wave of depression too this week and my mind started spinning: oh no, is depression back for good? what is wrong with me? I should NOT feel like this, blablaba”…. but actually IT’S OK, we need to be much more gentle with ourselves, and engage in much more positive self talk: it’s OOOOOKKKKK and normal to feel this way 🙂 we just as much as anyone else are allowed to feel this way, and take care of ourselves in these exceptional and difficult circumstances 🙂 xxx ❤ Anne

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    1. You are soooo right.
      I have come through it thankfully and I feel much better. It lifted slowly through the week and I’m very grateful for that. We definitely need more positive self talk and yes, accepting that this is totally normal right now. Thanks for the support. Hope you are doing ok xxx

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      1. yayayayay that’s so great to hear! (and to remember that these feelings really do pass when we stop trying to get rid of them^^). Yes I am doing great, working haaaard 🙂 must write a post soon! xxxx ❤ Anne

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