Limbo

So strange this feeling of treading water. Just biding time until something happens but I have no idea what. It is really disconcerting and it’s triggering all sorts of stuff for me. Wanting to drink, feelings of dissatisfaction and boredom and the general overarching emotion of ‘meh’.

The thing that is really annoying me now is myself. I can’t tell you how frustrated I am that I’m not making the most out of all I have and that happiness is eluding me. I’m irritable and tetchy and quite frankly, a right royal pain in the arse. Nothing is right and nothing is good enough. In fact, ‘nothing’ is a great word to describe how I feel at the moment. Now I realise that sounds terrible and reading it back now makes me want to shake myself. I mean, what is wrong with me for goodness sake? I want to find the switch that turns it all back on again. Whatever ‘it’ is.

I have to be honest though. No point in not. I have lost enthusiasm for it all again. I can’t see a way forward and I’m in one huge mental block. I’m living life in limbo. I have absolutely no answers and all I’m doing is hanging on to the small ray of hope that it will change. I don’t know how to initiate that change but hopefully it will come. Ideas and solutions seem out of reach. One question that keeps going round and round my brain is ‘why can’t I just be grateful and appreciate all I have?’. That would make me happy. That would bring joy and contentment. Sadly, it doesn’t seem to happen like that. These things can’t be forced and actually that only serves to make the situation worse. I’m becoming increasingly despondent and fed up with Claire.

So on I go. Not drinking, trying to do my best to be a good mum and a kind person, feeling a little like a failure. Am I the only person that sticks rigidly to a diet and gains weight? Are the odds stacked against me in that too? We tell each other constantly to ‘take it a day at a time’ so that’s what I’ll do. Maybe an hour at a time would be even better? It’s just an hour can feel like an awfully long time here in limbo land.

Claire x

31 thoughts on “Limbo”

  1. Hi Claire, could you be having a touch of PAWS? Your previous post on resilience seemed to be from a much better perspective and your last paragraph says it all. No alcohol has made you stronger, tougher and more resilient. Can’t give any guidance as I’m not sober or strong like you and from the reading of your blog you are certainly not a failure.

    Ange x

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    1. I waver around, high and low. I know I am in a much better place not drinking but it has opened up my eyes to some serious dissatisfaction with elements of my life that are not easy to change. It is a constant work in progress to stay sober and find the right path for me. Thanks for your comment. It’s lovely of you to be so encouraging x

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  2. I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, friend. I’ve lived enough life to know that things, feelings, and situations will change, either because of internal or external circumstances, or a combination of both. When I’m going through times when I feel stuck, I try to remind myself to trust the wait, and that there is meaning in going through that season. I try to be kind to myself, and think about what life might be trying to teach me. Easier said than done, I know, but this is what I’ve found helps me move through the limbo. Sending you hope, light and hugs. 💕

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    1. Thanks for the advice and actually that does help. Maybe this is time to just be with my boys as much as they will allow. Not time for moving forward or changing, just time to make some memories with them before their next stage of life. That’s a really nice thought. How is your son doing now? 💕💕

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  3. This is our common lot of existential angst, Claire! At the very least it’s showing you why you, we all want to escape it through, “divertissement”, one popular way being alcohol! Hang in there…you’re seeing life as it really is, and the sky will soon clear! 💜

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  4. Hi Claire!
    I can’t lose right now either. My body is hanging on the fat for dear life!
    Maybe we need it for something.
    This is such a hard hard time, so many people are struggling with those same feelings.

    Can you get out to see a friend? That has really helped me.
    Hugs!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Weird isn’t it? I’ll keep going for another couple weeks but if I don’t lose then I’ll have to think again.

      You could be right that it’s all related to the time and current situation. I do need to see my friends more. I’m feeling a bit trapped.
      Thanks for hugs 🤗 xx

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  5. You definitely are not the only one feeling this way! Given the state of the world right now, it seems pretty normal to feel stuck. We need more forward progress on all fronts! At least, that’s how I feel. And I hear you on the hard-to-change personal things. Thank goodness we aren’t drinking, though. I really don’t think it would actually help, no matter how seductive it seems. Hang in there! Hugs!! 🤗

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    1. It does seem very seductive at times. I think maybe dieting and sobriety are just too much for me and I have to accept that I do need some treats in life! I guess there is a lot to make us feel stuck and it then puts the emphasis on aspects of our lives that really need addressing. I just can’t face addressing them right now. Cowardly but true. Relieved I am not alone in feeling this way. Sending love and hugs 🤗 xxx

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  6. “hanging on to the small ray of hope that it will change” and “these things can’t be forced” = you figured out the solution in your post! 🙂 I hope writing it felt better 🙂 Sending past-Claire lots of hugs and love, and off to read your other, more recent post to see how past Claire transformed into future Claire and therefore, proved herself right and her self-worth 😉 xxx Anne

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    1. You are so lovey Anne. Thanks for commenting when I know you have tons on right now. Your comments always help me so much. Nope these things can’t be forced. The more we try to ‘get over it’ the worse it gets. Xxx

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  7. So sorry to hear you feel this way, it’s horrible feeling (or lack of feeling) like this. Just echoing what everyone else said really, hang on in there. I think it was in the sober diaries she said it was like a bear hunt, you can’t go over it, you can’t go round it, so you’ve got to go through it…
    My grandad used to always say in any given moment you’re meant to be where you will be. I take great comfort in that and it helps. I hope it helps you too. Xxxx

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  8. It’s difficult to know what to say Claire. There’s nothing that a few words can do that will change what you are feeling. Why we feel the way we do is made up of so many different elements. Only you will know what those elements are and I suppose sometimes we have to trust that we sometimes can see the ways forward. Trust ourselves to come up with some answers. They’ll be there. X

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    1. It is a horrid feeling that’s for sure. I think I’m piling pressure on myself to make decisions and changes that I’m just not ready for and it’s causing me more anxiety. When things aren’t great I immediately want to solve it and sort it out, but actually that sometimes makes it feel worse. There may be something in accepting how it is for now, seeing the good in it and trusting things will change and shift when I am ready for it to happen. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking? Thanks for the comment Jim. I’m just about to read your post about food intake. Damn these diets.
      Claire x

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  9. Hey Claire- not drinking and trying your best to be a good mum and kind person is enough. I so get you, though. Most times I annoy myself more than anybody else! Try your best to get that “kind person” to be kind to you! 😉 💜

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