Ah! Peace at last. My busy, bustling, burdensome brain has finally calmed. There are no big waves of feeling and no strong emotions to deal with which, after the month I have had, is nothing but a blessed relief. I love joy and excitement and fun just as much as the next person but I think maybe, like many things in my life, I don’t do emotions in moderation. The flip side being when I fall, I go to the other extreme. Occasionally it is good to take a break from extremes and sit in the middle and I think maybe that’s the place the antidepressants help me to settle.

I still feel all the emotions and enjoy them just as much. They somehow don’t take over when I’m in a better place with my mental health. I can appreciate them, like or dislike them, but they aren’t the end of the world or the only thing that matters. I can experience the feelings without them overwhelming me. That’s so important in being able to function. Some might consider it boring. Some people adore that high and low, rough and smooth. I used to be one of those people. I wonder if too much living life with such emotional extremes puts you into the ‘at risk’ category for depression? Or maybe I was depressed at times when I was younger but didn’t recognise it as that. Post natal depression with my first was the first experience I remember.

The other, completely lovely feeling of having your mind quieten down is the opportunity to stop thinking about yourself so much. Depression , amongst many other things, is so bloody boring. I mean, I’m really not that interesting a person to be spending so much time focusing on myself. The space in my brain means I can think about other things and care about other people. That makes me happy. In a selfish way it helps me climb the ladder to the top of the wall I have built around myself. Being compassionate and kind towards others really improves my mental health but when I am depressed my kindness mojo is switched to off.

So, after all the deliberation about the antidepressants, it was the right thing for me at this time in my life. I can feel they have worked even more quickly than last time and although I have a long way to go, I am grateful for the quiet and the calm inside my head and my body. I am also hugely thankful to all of you who supported me, sent me love and hugs and had your kindness switches firmly on.

Like I said at the beginning, peace at last!

Claire x


35 thoughts on “Peace”

  1. awwwww, so glad to hear you have found calm, at last! I could identify with practically everything you wrote here, except maybe the postpartum, cause… you know… I ain’t got no kids (yet!) 😉 xxx ❤ Anne PS. CALM IS NOT BORING!!!

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    1. They kicked in really fast this time. I wonder of your body adjusts to them more quickly if you have taken them for a while before? I certainly didn’t have the same side effects as last time. 💕

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  2. So pleased for you Claire reading this – antidepressants work more quickly for anxiety so maybe that’s been driving things more than depression? I relate to the feeling that calm is boring but I’m learning to embrace it and I think calm goes with real joy and pleasure in life – not the crazy stuff I used to think was the best! 💞💞😘😘

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    1. Yes you could be right. I think I spend much of time in an anxious state and eventually that leads to depression as I shut down and can’t manage the emotions anymore. They are so entwined for me it’s hard to separate them out really. I’m just glad to have some moments of feeling even if that makes sense. More at ease. 💕💕

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  3. Thrilled to bits to read that you’ve found peace. Calmness is amazing and so less tiring than chaos. I’ve luckily never experienced depression but I have had PTSD and anxiety, which was horrific. I can only imagine how hard depression is and how well you’ve done to climb the ladder over the wall xxxx

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    1. I think I have a mix of high stress which brings on depression and some anxiety. Had a fab day with my boys at Alton Towers today, even in the rain. It was so fun and we laughed loads. Went with my dad and my brother. Very happy day. 😊😊💕

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  4. I am so happy to read this this morning! Awesome they worked quickly! I am wishing you more and more calmness and happiness!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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    1. Thanks Jackie. Took my boys to a theme park today as we went in some awesome rides. Thoroughly let my hair down. It was great to spend the day with them. I’m hoping I have really turned a corner 💕💕

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  5. good on you for doing the work of trying both and coming to a conclusion. Many times we struggle with these things only to find if we relent , and let go of any guilt associations, we can relax into it and just let it be…hugs!!

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    1. Hey you. Nice to hear from you. Yep, I just need to learn to accept and go with the flow. I think the initial ‘numbing’ the meds do is wearing off now so I’m not quite so ‘calm’ but it was nice to feel that way for a brief time 🤗🤗

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  6. I’m so glad you have some peace.
    Everything your say makes sense to me. I am very similar.
    I have santosha tattooed on my wrist. It means contentment. That is what I strive for.


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    1. That’s lovely.
      The initial effects of ‘numbing’ emotions has worn off a little so I’m not quite as chilled as I was but that’s ok. It was lovely to switch it all off for a brief period. It’s good to know others understand xxx

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