Sunny thoughts

Today is fairly cold but the sky is clear blue and I have been able to sit out in the sun. It’s been another quiet day with yoga, a family walk and then reading my Brené Brown, ‘The gifts of imperfection’, book in the garden. I have to admit I’m really enjoying it and learning loads. I keep re-reading chapters, highlighting sections and making notes on certain aspects of it. Much of what she says makes sense to me but there is a lot of info in there so I am taking my time.

I have almost completed the online CBT course I was registered for when I self referred to the local mental health service. I’m not particularly impressed and I knew much of what it has told me anyway. I’m currently waiting for 6 sessions of more specific one to one counselling, focusing on my relationships. Most specifically, focusing on my relationship with my husband. I have absolutely no idea what will happen there and I am slightly daunted by the prospect but I’m willing to try anything. I suspect he and I should really be attending the sessions together but that would mean an acceptance that I want to resolve things. In reality I think I would like to find a way that we can continue to live as a family for the next couple of years, without destroying each other and then decide what is best for us in the longer term. Maybe that’s terribly naive of me but at the moment I am not ready to face up to the devastation and trauma of splitting up. I guess the counselling might help me work some of this stuff out. This is all part of growing and changing I guess.

A year ago I was planning my trip to Vietnam. I went out there for just over 10 days with colleagues to work for a charity to deliver cleft care. God I was nervous but really excited. I’d never done anything like that before. I’d never been away from the boys for longer than a few days. It was an amazing experience and I learnt so much. Sadly we weren’t able to return this year due to Covid. I do hope all our colleagues and the families are doing ok. I wish I could have returned as my sober self. I worked really hard out there but I also drank a lot. Looking back, I know I was on edge and living on my nerves (if you know what I mean). I can only recognise that now because I have experienced calm and peace this last year. I did not have calm and peace back then. I returned totally knackered because I had burnt the candle at both ends. I don’t feel I gave my all to those families and I wanted to go again, to have one more shot and be the best I could be. Maybe one day …

It was after my return from Vietnam that I began to read about sobriety and started looking into alcohol and the effects of long term alcohol addiction. I’m approaching a year sober in November and I honestly can’t believe it. Claire of September 2019 would absolutely never have believed it. Just goes to show, we never know what is around the corner. The whole world has turned upside down and inside out since I headed off for that trip of a lifetime on October 3rd last year. My little world has also done the same. But I’m still here. I’m surviving, I’m sober and I’m sitting in the sun.

Claire x

29 thoughts on “Sunny thoughts”

  1. It’s my birthday soon. I’ve asked for a hard cover version of “The Gifts of Imperfection” 🙂

    You’ve been through so much in the last year Claire. Super congrats on your one yer in November. Such a great feeling isn’t it. I hope you feel proud. And I hope your other difficulties ease soon. I think you sound practical and caring, not naive. Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 21 again Rock? 🤔

      Yep the version I have is hardback. I think you’ll enjoy it. Thanks for your kind comment. I am managing things a little better I think. Certainly there is less angst and tension day to day. Hugs to you too x


  2. Sounds like Vietnam was but one of many journeys you have been on since this time last year Claire. Keep going you’ll make that year no problem and I hope some of the other stuff falls into place for you. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jim. It’s been a busy year in lots of ways, ever changing and new paths to take. So much has happened and I’m sure more to come. Hopefully I’m learning and developing skills to help me deal with challenges and cope with changes as they crop up. Hope you are doing ok x


  3. You’re so right. We never know what’s around the corner…something terrible or magnificent or more of the same in between. I guess that’s good though. If we knew what lie ahead it might keep us from fully living in the now…sitting and enjoying the sun. Hugs to you, friend. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes Collette that’s so true. It is not easy to live in the now but I can see I am improving in that aspect of my life. Reading the the Brene Brown book I found it fascinating how much ‘practice’ things take. Practicing gratitude, practicing self compassion, practicing mindfulness … that’s been an important lesson for me to learn. It doesn’t just happen and it’s a lifestyle. Hugs to you too 💕🤗❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve always wanted to go to Vietnam. I hope one day you can go again! What an amazing year it has been. I know the relationship thing is hard. I think if you get the right counselor, it will really make a difference and help you figure it out. You have made so much personal progress this year, and I have faith in you! Xoxo 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You always know what to say my friend. I hope I go again someday too. It’s been such a year but I’m proud of us … you and I have come far and we will keep going. Xxx😘🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You’ve come a long way in that year Claire! I feel for you with the relationship thinking – it’s such a big decision and has so many repercussions but I think the therapy will hopefully give you space and time to take your time before you decide what to do. I don’t regret that I left my marriage but I do regret how I handled aspects of it for sure – being sober will help you a lot if you do go down that path – sending love and hugs 💞💞xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey DrGS. Yep, the relationship thing is so hard but I feel I’m doing ok just maintaining the status quo at the moment. Not ready to make any big changes right now and I want to work on things within myself first before I take any big leaps or make any decisions. Definitely better being where I am sober than half (or full) cut and also better to be on my medication and more in control of my thoughts and feelings. Not everything has to be sorted out right now. Pausing and patience are new to me 😂😂. Hugs to you too xxx 😘


  6. Hi Claire!! Wow, almost 1 full year sober. That’s so very cool and inspiring! You are strong! I am on a good run currently but no wear near you. You definitely inspire me!
    I am sure thinking of you and your marriage thoughts. I do think going into all that sober is quite commendable! Whatever happens you will remember and won’t be in a fog about. A long term client of mine had your same thoughts. She waited it out until the kids graduated high school. Nothing changed for the better so she pulled him aside and told him her thoughts on separating. There was quite a rough patch but it’s now been 2 years since they split and both have significant others and both are happy. She told me her and her husband just grew apart. I listened but I also have worked for them for 10 years, I did see it too. I hope whatever happens you find your happy. You deserve it dear! ❤️
    I would love to travel someday. I haven’t really gotten out of my small town very far. I get really nervous if I even have to drive long periods of time where I am unfamiliar. Something I am starting to tackle and overcome currently. My daughters college is over 5 hours away. I want to be able to drive it alone and not be nervous the whole time.
    Anyway, I wrote a book! Miss and love you! ❤️💕❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are doing brilliantly and I have no doubt that you will tackle that 5 hr drive at some point when you are ready. You have dealt with so much even in the brief time I have known you and you are one tough cookie my friend.
      Yep, the marriage thing is tricky but I feel I have settled into an acceptance that this is how it is for now and I am grateful we can function ok for the boys and in the situation we find ourselves in. The sadness I feel about it is sometimes overwhelming but I try not to dwell too much.

      So lovely to hear from you. How your daughter doing? Xx❤️💕


  7. My favourite book.

    I love your yard. It reminds me of my sisters backyard in England.

    My advice is to discuss what divorce might look like with a lawyer and banker so you truly understand your situation. You are right…you can’t fix problems alone. Maybe they can be fixed….but it has to be a joint effort.

    Protect yourself.

    My own kids and I are a million times happier now than we have ever been. I didn’t really realize how much Craig brought us down.

    Hugs to you


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Anne. I really appreciate your comments. It’s taken a long time to even admit to myself that things aren’t right. The support and non judgmental comments here have helped me start to face up to things, slowly, but better slowly than remain in denial. It feels so big sometimes though. Too big to comprehend. Thanks for the advice.

      I loved the book. I’ve made notes and will keep returning to it.

      Hugs and love 💕

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so sorry, you always post such lovely things on my blog and I completely missed this. I absolutely love Vietnam too, went over in 2018 would love to go back sober. There seems so much to learn from that country. I think what you’re doing is so incredibly brave and isn’t naive at all. Taking steps yourself is really positive and who knows where it will lead you. And nearly a year, that’s so inspiring xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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