Where to start?

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**Warning** Minor meltdown occurring alongside insomnia. Slightly dramatic post coming up.

Why can’t I find the courage to make the changes I need to? I’m really stuck and feeling trapped and I tell you, it’s not a great feeling. Not. One. Bit.

I’m not even sure what changes I need to make. I just know work has to change. My marriage has to change. My mental health and approach to life has to change. My attitude stinks and seriously must change. But how do you do it? How do you stand your ground. Set your boundaries. Overcome fear, guilt, anxiety? And here is the big question. What if the change you make is not the right one? Am I going to end up with years of regret and “oh shit, why did I do that?” mental torture?

See how tangled I am? I can’t even blame alcohol. I am now unsuccessfully self medicating this period of angst with sugar so I guess the old Claire lives on! I feel weighed down by so many emotions that I can’t move or breathe freely. Maybe I am just incredibly selfish and expect and want too much from life. The world is in the middle of a devastating pandemic and here I am, Miss Self Pity, wondering why my life is the way it is. First world problems.

I have so many lovely things in my life and I know I am incredibly lucky. I need to revisit practising gratitude and kindness as it really helps me feel grounded and focus on what is important. Hopefully, in time, I will find the courage to make the changes that are needed. Frustrated is no doubt how many of us feel right now. My frustration is off the scale. I’m getting sucked into ‘stinking thinking’ mode (thanks for the term Collette!) and stinking thinking never leads to good things.

Well, now I’ve offloaded all the swirling thoughts in my head into this post I feel a little better. No answers or solutions but that’s ok. To anyone who stuck with this one until the end, big thanks (and it begs the question, ‘why?’). I’ll give sleep another go. It’s evaded me so far tonight but maybe now it will come. A problem shared and all that …

Claire x

35 thoughts on “Where to start?”

  1. I’m so glad you came here and got some of this out, Claire. Big hugs to you my friend. Sounds like your soul is percolating up a message. Don’t sedate it. Listen with much love. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE🤗

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    1. I think I’m percolating something here Dwight. Likely it’s been happening for a while but my old ‘friend’ alcohol muddied the waters and blurred the view. Thanks for the lovely words x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Claire, I’m sorry your struggling and please don’t apologize for your feelings or sharing them. If you are still questioning decisions and what would be the right choice, I would hold off and trust yourself a little longer. You will know when you need to act. I think many of us are realizing we’ve let sugar slip into the void alcohol left. It’s worth looking into the role it’s playing (and it probably take a toll on our overall health as well). I’m doing a 21 day sugar fast starting tomorrow. For you, I would suggest giving yourself some grace and following the gratitude idea… and trust yourself. Thinking of you. Hope you’ve had some rest. 💕

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    1. As always you have calmed my soul Collette. I’m struggling with wanting something different, not knowing what that looks like and the absolute enormity of what it might entail. But I do need to remember that there is good in my life and right now it might be best to focus on that. Thanks for the support xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so glad. Take time with things, and yourself. Especially in matters of the heart. Sending you a big hug. Xx

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  3. it sounds pretty normal to me..maybe because i deal with insomnia and surges of hormones in menopause on the daily. I ask the same questions, feel the same way..a LOT.. but it usually passes. For me i usually need to get outside of my house ( and my head)…drink lots of cold water and get my blood circulating for a bit, then hist a rest button and start with gratitude…for the little things first ( my nice warm bed, blankets & pillows, clean hot water, free you tube meditation sounds on a whim) then move into bigger things( my family being healthy, electric, having a working car & job, etc)…idk..just what i try first…sorry you feel frustrated.. try not to be down about the sugar…there are much worse things you could be doing. I think you’re awesome…hugs!

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    1. No idea if this is menopause related or just a huge mid life crisis. I agree, some time outside my head would be good. I’m going to try some of your suggestions today. It feels like today should be a rest and reset day! Xx

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  4. you are NOT selfish Claire <3. Wanting to be happy and break out of a cocoon that no longer fits us, yet being torn by inner conflict, is both normal, and very difficult and uncomfortable to experience. On the contrary, you are under a tremendous amount of inner pressure pulling you in opposed directions and it's ok to feel this way. Sending you the most gigantic hug for the new year and a reminder that the intensity will recede and you will see more clearly as time goes by. And then yes, as you said, you will gradually find the inner courage to implement the changes you want to put into place, no matter what those are xoxoxoxo lots of love xoxoxo Anne

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  5. That’s it!!! The inner pressure and feeling torn. You make so much sense. It is particularly intense right now. I’ll try to find a way to ‘sit’ with it and know that it will work out in time. Sending hugs 🤗 xxx

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  6. I get ti too! I think through this process comes change. I use gratitude, meditation, visualization; exercise and prayer to help me when I feel this way. Sometimes easier said than done, but small efforts can help get me “unblocked” when I get to feeling overwhelmed.

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    1. I think that I will make a habit out of gratitude because it is such an important way to ground you’re so in the present isn’t it? Maybe it’s an age thing? I hate feeling dissatisfied because it makes me feel negative and ungrateful. I’ll start small. I’ve done yoga and I’ll go for a walk now to clear my head. Thanks for commenting. Good to know I’m not alone. X

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  7. Hey you! You have crushed step 1 which was to quit drinking. Step 2 now has your head clear making us really have to deal with things we just clouded before. I think this process could take some time, especially during this pandemic! I think it’s totally normal to feel like this now and since your not quite sure what to do, maybe push those two main things to the back of your head and focus on others? I wish I had the perfect answer for ya! Step 3 will come for you I know it! You deserve happiness and love. ❤️ many hugs my dear friend!!!

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    1. Hi Jackie. I agree with your take on it. Things need to change but that doesn’t mean the present is terrible and there’s lots to enjoy and appreciate. There is no answer I know. Only time, patience and sobriety will get me to step 3! Xx

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  8. Hi Claire! Oh, those middle of the night existential crises times! So terrible. I’m glad you reached out, and I hope you were able to get some sleep after. It is really hard wanting change but not knowing what is the right way to go about it. I can relate. The pandemic has also frozen us in time, in a way, with fewer options available to us. I agree with the other comments. Hang on, practice gratitude and mindfulness, remain open to what you are trying to tell yourself, and the answers will come eventually. Hugs! 🤗❤️

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  9. Claire this is so familiar to us all I think – the frustration of not getting where we want to be, not changing fast enough and life grinding us down. You’re in a stressful job and also not free to do what you want/need entirely as you’ve your family to consider and I am wondering if that’s the irresolvable conflict – your needs or theirs right now? I hope you got some sleep and that today has been better for you – love and hugs xx💞💞

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    1. Wow! You have hit that nail firmly on the head. Now is not the time for me to look after my needs … I have to focus on theirs. That’s hard to do sometimes and yes it’s a conflict that I can’t unravel or resolve. Acceptance is the thing … accepting what is now and that it’s ok to be static and not making big changes. How do we work on acceptance though? Thanks for the comment. It’s been so helpful reading people’s thoughts and having the support. I have struggled today but I’m heading to bed early to get some sleep hopefully. Sending love to you ❤️❤️

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  10. Let it all out! We’re here for you! Wonderful support from everyone. You’ve come along way, baby…. don’t forget that. Remember- lack of sleep throws everything out of whack….and with that, here’s a big bear hug and a kiss goodnight! 🤗 😘

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    1. Thanks for your lovely comment. You know, the support I have had today has made me realise I have disconnected from the blogging community a little and I need my gang! I didn’t realise how much I needed you all until now so thanks 🙏 xx

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  11. Sending you massive hugs 🤗🤗 I was once stuck like this too. My relationship was too good to leave but too bad to stay. I loved my job, but was restricted by poor management and at the time I numbed it by binge eating and drinking. It took 18 months to finally make two big decisions.
    Since then my life has completely changed for the better, I’ve lived more authentically. But it was desperately hard. ♡♡♡

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    1. It’s so reassuring to know others have been through it and survived! I am determined to address the situation at work and get it resolved one way or another. The home stuff will need to wait until life changes a little and I’m ready to take it on. Too much of an impact on everyone around me ti do anything right now. It’s just hard dealing with the conflicting emotions that triggers. Xxx

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  12. Hugs hunny bunny.. Gigantic bear hugs to you. I absolutely know what you are talking about. The feeling of being dragged under and not knowing why nothing satisfies you. That something has to change but what? And not knowing what is the killer. I have been there all the way to the eyeballs and back. I have ridden it out. If it is the job I look at ads to see what is out there. But when one factors in wage/holidays/pension/insurance against what is out there it tends to pass. And I want to write. But have been lacksidaisee on that one too.
    For me work has changed slightly with my doing curbside shopping.
    With writing slowly but surely the imagination is coming back without needing a prompt. And a character is speaking to me. Which has not happened in years.
    I try to find more positives when I find that I am turned inside out like that and cannot sleep.
    Won’t even give you relationship advice. I am single and love that kinda sorta.
    Absconded with your comments again.
    Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.
    Always here for you. 🙂

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