Stumble and fall

Okay, so here I am, laying it on the line.

I have had alcohol. I’m not happy about it and it’s taken me a while to get brave and own up on here. I drank on two separate occasions since Jan 1st. One was a lot! The other two glasses. Let me start by saying I’m not proud of it, I don’t suddenly believe I can moderate booze and I absolutely don’t want this to cause a wobble for anyone else newly sober!

However, I am not dwelling on it. I did not allow either time lead me spiralling downward into more and more drinking. I meditated a lot and journaled about how awful it made me feel physically and mentally and how quickly it takes over. One glass and all good intentions are a thing of the past.

This is definitely harder than the first time round. I don’t know why but it is. I’ll have to ponder that some more over the coming weeks. I am, however, going to deliver to you my first piece of ‘unsolicited’ advice and I apologise if you don’t like it, but, here it is anyway.

If you have been sober for a relatively long period of time and you hit that threshold of ‘I wouldn’t be addicted now. I never even think about it anymore. I’d have a totally different relationship with alcohol if I had a drink’ ….. Call yourself out on it. It’s bullshit! Total bull crap. Stinking thinking at its very worst.

You will be addicted again. It’s an addictive substance and if it happened once, it will happen again, and again. You will start thinking about it, a lot and then ALL the bloody time. You absolutely do have a different relationship with alcohol now you are sober. Nurture and cherish it because that relationship will be lost if you decide to try ‘just one glass’ again. I grieved when I first gave up booze. It felt like I’d lost something really important. That grief has nothing on the loss I struggle with now for my sober self!

So, yes I’m still struggling to find the path and I’m unhappy with the turnings I have taken but I’m hacking down the branches and bushes to find the right way again. I’ve slipped and grazed my knee, but no bones were broken and I’m still here. But my friends, heed my warning and learn from my mistake … it’s much harder on this side of the fence, trying to return, then it ever was getting over to sunshine sober (thanks Catherine Gray) land the first time! And that is saying something!

Love Claire x

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Hearing Voices

I’m approaching two weeks sober and up until last night it has actually been fairly straightforward. I knew what to expect. The first few days and nights would be pretty rough, and they were! Then sleep improves considerably and things are good …… and then the psychological cravings begin.

Last night the ‘voice’ started. My WHINE WITCH!

“It’s Friday, just have a red wine to chill out’

“How much harm can having one or two on a Friday night do?”

“Come on Claire, you have had such a stressful week at work, you deserve a drink”

The usual stuff. I’m sure anyone reading this with a strong tie to alcohol, who has tried to stop drinking, will recognise it. It’s even happened today. I have had a lovely day to be honest. I’m dog sitting again and I’ve walked him, been to yoga, had brunch with my yoga buddies and then walked pup again, whilst waiting for my youngest to have his squash lesson. We ventured into a cafe for 15 mins and I sat with my latte, feeling content with the world. A couple sat next to me, with their baby in a high chair. The waitress brought them a pint of larger and a glass of white wine. OMG! The Whine Witch went crazy!!

“Ooh that looks lovely. You should get a bottle on your way home and have a glass”

“You’ll never be able to sit and enjoy that experience again if you give up. You’ll miss out!”

Blah blah blah! Same old rubbish from the WW. But man, it can be so tough to ignore her. Buzzing around my brain. Tempting, taunting, teasing. She’s loud at the moment. I know the more I ignore her, the quieter she becomes over time. I do know that, but right now she’s drowning out the positives. I’m not sure there’s any way of shutting her up but I wish there was!

The power of the mind is pretty phenomenal. I have hard evidence through lived experience that drinking alcohol makes me ill, impacts on both my physical and mental well-being and costs me emotionally and financially. I know for a FACT, I can’t moderate. Yet, I still start to believe the WW when she blatantly lies to me. Maybe I want her to be speaking the truth so badly, I’m willing to override my own judgement.

Anyway, all I can do it white knuckle it right now. Keep telling her that’s she’s talking bulls**t and ride out this next few weeks, knowing it does and will get easier.

Love Claire x

Gratitude

Approaching the end of day 6 and I’m feeling really solid at the moment. I’m tired and eating far more than I have in ages but I’m telling myself this is all part of the process. I’ve noticed my skin very slowly starting to feel softer to touch and not look so pale and wan. I know restarting my sober life was totally the right decision for me and I’m grateful I had this blog and my friends here to reach out to.

I haven’t managed to maintain my daily yoga and exercise but that’s also ok. I can only do so much in the early days of being newly sober. On Wednesday evening I cancelled a yoga class simply because I had a bad day. I felt really low and burst into tears when I walked in the door after work. I was exceptionally tired due to broken sleep every night for almost a week. This was initially due to too much alcohol in my system, and latterly due to abstaining from alcohol. Bloody alcohol!! I decided to take a bath, read and watch some good tv. I calmed down and I slept well and hey bingo, the next morning I felt just fine. I know a week ago that would have been a bottle of wine (or more) drank, possibly things said or done I shouldn’t have said or done, and a terrible sleep … again! Look at me, making better choices already. I am grateful for that.

I haven’t reached the fluffy pink cloud stage. I may never achieve it. But to be honest, this stage is fine. I already feel my mind is calmer and I am looking forward to a weekend of gym classes, yoga, coffee with friends and getting shit done.

I am under no illusion that there are going to be really challenging days and occasions. Right now, this is exactly where I want to be. Friday evening, chilling on my sofa, with a cup of tea and a blanket to keep me cosy. I’m truly very grateful for that.

Love Claire x

Here I go again ….

I just read a post I wrote about 18 months ago. I felt I was reading something written by a completely different person. I found it in my draft folder but it had been published and I’d had some lovely comments on there. Call it fate, call it coincidental, call it whatever … it reminded me of why I have pledged to start my sober journey today.

I liked that version of me. I liked sober Claire and how she managed life’s challenges. She is my role model and I am determined to to be her again.

So here I go again. Renewed motivation. All my tools ready. Heading towards freedom and clarity I haven’t had for 9 months due to alcohol seeping in and controlling my thoughts, feelings and health. I’m excited and ready to take this on. Sober Claire is going to wake up and join the sober party again. And be free!

Love Claire

Off Piste

I organised a party for my husband’s 50th birthday and my son’s 18th. We had it yesterday. It was lovely. Loads of family and friends getting together and catching up for the afternoon. A group of us carried on in a local pub with more friends joining later.

I have to be honest. I did drink a couple of glasses of wine. There are no excuses and I’m not beating myself up today. I’m also not about to throw away all the planning and prep that’s been happening this past few days.

I’m continuing with my plan to not drink. I’m remaining on that path even though I went off piste a little. Today I will not drink 😊

Love Claire

Time to get the tools back out.

Well, I made it to day 2 so there’s my first success on this journey. I have been thinking about some of the tools I used last time I did this, digging out the tool box and replenishing it.

The Blogging Community

This was by far the most useful and valuable tool I had at my disposal. Both posting on my own blog and reading other’s posts was immensely supportive. The interaction between myself and other bloggers who were either sober, trying to achieve sobriety or simply struggling with some of the mental health issues I have experienced was the thing that stopped me drinking and kept me off it. I think it’s no coincidence for me that my decline into drinking again coincided with my withdrawal from word press and the blogging community.

Acts of self care

I have really learnt a lot about self care over recent years. What it means, why it’s important and how it is very personal to each individual. Once I started drinking again my commitment to self care waned. My daily yoga routine is gone. I spend less time planning lovely healthy meals turning to snacks instead. I start to reach for my phone rather than my book or my cross stitch. No more happy evenings with a jigsaw puzzle or taking time to meditate. I am tired and groggy a lot of the time, even when I don’t drink the night before. In that frame of mind, self care goes out of the window. It is vital to ensure you create space for yourself and develop positive habits that structure your day and calm your mind. The bath, with a few candles and soothing music. That was a huge treat for me. Cost of living means baths are a luxury but if I’m not buying alcohol, I can use the money for my bath instead.

Self Compassion

Ooh this is such a lovely idea but so very difficult to cultivate a practice of self compassion. The book by Kristen Neff, titled ‘Self Compassion’ literally changed my life. It had such a positive impact on my mental health and reduced the rumination and anxiety that led to craving alcohol. We are human, we make mistakes and we have to hold those mistakes in a space of kindness for ourselves. Drinking inhibits my ability to be compassionate with myself and when I’m hard on myself I become depressed and want to drink. So the cycle continues.

KRISTEN NEFF

Planning ahead

I found being prepared was essential in achieving sobriety and remaining sober. Having the words ready when I was challenged as to why I’d stopped drinking (and boy was I challenged, a lot!), knowing what I’d drink when I got to a place or an event, taking my own drinks if possible, and planning a ‘get away’ excuse in case I started to struggle. I eventually didn’t need to do this planning as much because I didn’t really have cravings. Reflecting now however, a few months before I fell off the wagon, I did start to think about trying alcohol again in certain situations, and allowed myself to imagine it. So inevitably my resilience began to waver and I was less prepared and focussed. I had an evening out and before I knew it I was just trying ‘one’ . I don’t need to tell anyone here where ‘one’ leads do I?

Sober literature

I relied heavily on reading as much as I could about sobriety, about alcohol and alcohol addiction and about anxiety, depression and addiction. I learnt so much but I believe the real value is in creating a regular habit of dipping into this information, either in books, articles, podcasts, blogs etc. It reaffirms why you are sober and why you choose not to drink. It strengthens resolve and once I stopped accessing this information on a regular basis my resolve weakened quickly. Lots of literature and information to hand is an absolute must for me.

What now?

My tool box needs updating and replenishing. There will be new things to add and old things to rekindle. That’s fine. To start with I know I need to put the following in place:

• Blog daily and re engage with the blogging community
• Incorporate acts of self care on a daily basis
• Practice self compassion regularly
• Get prepared and plan ahead
• Rediscover sober literature .. old and new

Hopefully the rest will follow …

Love Claire

Here I go again ….

I am starting again. 6 months ago I decided to try moderation and it will come as no surprise to most of you, it hasn’t worked!

I’m not going to say anymore at the moment. I feel pretty low and crap right now but today I will not drink.

Love Claire

Day 1

Sobriety Update

Taken on my birthday weekend visit to the Peak District

I guess one of my first ‘dipping my toe back in the water’ posts should be an update on my sobriety Alcohol consumption is the very reason I found myself here in November 2019, desperately searching for answers, support and reassurance. As I built up my sober tribe and my community of support, I dumped the booze and began a journey of self discovery.

That all sounds very touchy-feely and ‘woo woo’ I know, but I have learnt so much about anxiety, depression, the benefits of self-compassion, trauma in childhood, patterns formed from the trauma, numbing, leaning into vulnerability …. the list is endless. I am slowly unpicking it all and getting stronger daily. I have to be totally honest, I am not 100% sober anymore. I recently decided to have one glass of wine. It was a decision I took a long time to make and I have some very large and strict caveats to trying this out. I know it is unlikely I can moderate. When I use the term ‘moderate’ I am talking about a glass of wine every couple of months if that. The moment I begin to ‘think’ about it, or enter into a conversation with my wine witch … I am going tea total.

When I gave up drinking I didn’t have a plan. I said ‘not today’ but I could never say ‘never again’. I reached 26 mths sober but I’d stopped counting time tbh. I have had two glasses of wine in the past 3 mths and it’s been fine. I haven’t wanted more and I certainly haven’t thought about it again. I am fully prepared to completely stop again but like many others my curiosity got the better of me. I don’t advise it to anyone else as I know the return to alcohol addiction is an extremely high probability. I have enormous support around me who check in with me daily and I am working with my therapist through this. I am also fully aware that I may just be kidding myself and any form of moderation is impossible for me.

So, there we have it. Cards on the table. I will keep being honest and open in my posts and continue to support anyone if I can.

By the way, I am in touch with Jim if anyone remembers him? He’s still very much sober and doing really well!

Claire x

Half a Century

Gosh, after all this time I’m not sure where to start. I won’t try and fit it all into one post. I’ll take my time. Slowly does it and all that.

It’s funny really. I feel quite nervous writing a post again. What’s that all about? Maybe I’ve forgotten how you do it, the sorts of things to talk about. What if all my blogging buddies have disappeared? 🥹 Maybe I’ve let people down by being absent!

First off, I have really missed everyone. My blogging tribe, sober or not, have been so important to me over the past few years. My life line on more than one occasion. I want to spend some time catching up with everyone, reading their blogs and picking up with my community once more. Therein lies the rub! ‘Time’. I seem to have had very little of it recently and I have been racing through life at high speed. So much going on and days turning into weeks, months and then bam 💥 a year has passed!

This past year has been tough. I know anyone who has followed my blog will be aware of my ongoing challenges at work and the inequality and discrimination issues I had been facing. I also reduced my antidepressants last summer and stopped taking them altogether in August. Sadly, around late November last year, I entered into another period of severe depression caused by work stress. I was signed off sick from work and took almost 3 months off. I restarted SSRIs … double the dose … and began (very expensive) therapy with a fabulous psychologist. I remained totally alcohol free and hit my 2 year sober anniversary on November 16th.

I have worked so hard to get back to good health. I have read so much literature on all kinds of things to help support my therapy and progress. I’ll share some of it over the coming months. It’s been quite a journey. I’m back in work. I’m managing much better nowadays and I think I have a far better understanding of my triggers, my behaviours and my responses than I ever had. I remain on high alert, making self care a priority and ensuring I practice self compassion. I look forward to sharing some of my experiences with this WP community once more.

Oh … and I turned 50 on May 3rd! 👵🏻 (hence the title)

Love Claire x

Piece by piece

I have been away on my holibobs. We went up to stay in a converted barn in the North East of England, just south of Durham and north of Yorkshire. We went with both sets of the boy’s Grandparents. Some may say that was lovely, others would call it brave. A few may consider it sheer lunacy. My parents and my in-laws actually get on very well and I find being away less stressful when we are with both sets rather than one. I suppose I find some free time and space for me if I’m not under the microscope. That said, it is quite an undertaking!

The cottage/barn was advertised as being on a ‘working’ farm. In reality, it was on a bit of a building site where a new housing estate was being developed. The ‘farmers’ had clearly sold all the farm land to a housing development company and all that was left was the farmhouse and our ‘shed’. The accommodation itself was lovely. Spacious and comfortable with a hot tub in the garden. The ‘village’ that was within walking distance did not really resemble a village and was pretty much deserted the whole time. All very strange. All a little random. Still, we ventured out each day and saw some beautiful scenery. The coast, long sandy beaches, waterfalls, gorgeous moors and countryside and stunning villages. Loads to do and see. Plenty to keep the over 70s and under 18s happy. Very poor WiFi which was a big negative for many but we survived.

On the first day we arrived, we unpacked and I watched my husband and his Dad grab their first beer, clink glasses and say ‘cheers’. Then my Dad joined in with his beer and the two Grandmas enjoyed a large goblet style glass of wine each. One white, the other red. There was lots of “… and relax” and ‘the holiday starts here …” type comments. I suddenly started to panic. I didn’t think I was going to be ok with this. There was a real sense of ‘group drink’ and I really bloody missed alcohol. I couldn’t ask them to stop but how was I going to cope? I began to get upset and dread the week ahead. Then, out of the blue, I considered drinking. Just for the week. For social purposes. My little addict voice told me all sorts of convincing reasons as to why this was a great idea. I wanted to relax and chill out. I didn’t want to be the dull grey person who would, in all reality, rather sit on her own, eating chocolate and drinking tea, whilst doing a jigsaw. Why not just do what the others do and enjoy it? It’s a bloody holiday for goodness sake!

Then my Dad began to irritate me a bit. Well, quite a lot actually. I always feel disloyal when I blog about my parents. I’ve said before that I love them and I know they really, really love me. They are just quite difficult at times. In different ways. My Dad is the most tricky though. He is a know it all. He has a comment on every subject and strong opinions to go with that. He’s fundamentally a misogynist as well as having other opinions that tip into the offensive and prejudiced categories. He has diluted this over the years but it’s always there. He monopolises conversations, rarely listens to others and is constantly in ‘impress’ mode. It is immensely annoying. Well, I find it annoying. I get snappy and a bit mean, which I know upsets him. We have had some huge fights and arguments over the years and they all had one thing in common. Booze. Lots of it. He would get louder and more obnoxious and I would get nastier and very intolerant. It wasn’t a pretty sight or experience.

So this holiday, on the first night, instead of pushing the ‘all systems go go go … let’s drink!’ button, I took my foot right off the pedal. I had a bath. I read some of my book ‘the happiness project’ by Gretchen Rubin (which I highly recommend) and made the decision that drinking would only make what was already going to be challenging, much much harder to bear. I poured a cup of tea. I went to watch tv with my eldest son and by this point the grandmas had stopped drinking alcohol. They joined me with cups of tea. The evening passed uneventfully and no argument occurred. No regrets and recriminations in the morning.

It remained the same for the entire week. I took my time out when I needed it. Not always easy when the mum and mum in law want to follow you around and sit with you and talk to you. ALL THE TIME! I completed a jigsaw and in the end all adults were clambering to get pieces in. I adored being with my boys and eventually I became less snappy and I relaxed. I did it without the help of alcohol. I found other ways to get my kicks. They might sound boring to some but they are how I find happiness and peace nowadays. No longer in a wine bottle. It’s in the nuggets of a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. Who knew? 🤷‍♀️

Claire x