The day after

After what can only be described as a very shaky evening last night I am relieved to say I didn’t drink any alcohol. I eventually went to sleep after reading others posts on their blogs and gaining some reassurance that I am not in this alone. I know now that had I had that glass of wine (which incidentally would have meant going out to buy it as I am not keeping any in the house at the moment) I would have had the entire bottle. I would have woken up this morning feeling guilty, completely mad at myself and most probably very ill. As it was I felt ok. Not fantastic or ultra calm, but I figure ‘ok’ is, well, ok.

I guess what I need to do is stop blaming feeling rubbish and fed up on the inability to have a drink. Plus I have to stop reaching for alcohol to try and blunt those feelings. Thinking too far ahead and ruminating on things said and done in the past is also a problem for me. That’s anxiety and depression right there in a nutshell! I know what I need to do but doing it is so hard. Someone once said to me ‘following the most difficult path often takes us to the best places’. So no matter how hard or difficult this gets I’ll endeavour to carry on because I know from all of you that it’ll lead me to a good place.

I can do this, bring it on ….

Thanks for looking after me

Claire x

Advertisement

Naivety and tantrums

I don’t know why I thought I’d be any different. As if I had some magical ability to just stop drinking alcohol after years of completely overdoing it, loving it and arranging my life around it and bam 💥 I’d be this sober, happy, new improved me, no looking back.

How flipping naive and stupid! Patting myself on the back, congratulating myself for changing my life after a measly 14 days!! Last night and even more so tonight I’ve fallen off the cloud and landed with a thud. I’m so angry and frustrated. I’ve tried everything, a bath, reading, an AF beer but I’m still thoroughly pissed off. Why? Because I WANT TO DRINK A GLASS OF WINE! I know I sound pathetic. I feel pretty pathetic to be fair. I don’t even want to particularly drink a glass now, right this minute. I do however want that option.

I’m mad at myself for even thinking like this. You can probably tell I’m even falling out with myself. I’m sat upstairs in my bedroom refusing to sit downstairs with the family because I’m in such a crap mood. Yesterday morning I was floating on cloud nine, why can’t I feel like that again today?

I wasn’t going to blog because I don’t like myself when I feel like this. It’s negative and self pitying and annoying. I have however encouraged others to blog when they are struggling so I had to put my money where my mouth is so to speak. I’d like to say I feel better but at the moment I don’t. I have a horrible headache and now you all know I can be a right misery guts. 🤦‍♀️

I think I best just go to bed, try to sleep and hopefully I’ll be more upbeat tomorrow.

Sorry for such a bleugh post 😕 I haven’t had a drink so I guess that’s one positive.

Claire xx

Sundays.

Sunday morning, two weeks on from my start of this sobriety journey and I’m up early, thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet whilst everyone else is sleeping. I woke at 7am. Instead of pulling the covers over my head, attempting to blot out what I’d said or done the night before and wishing I was in someone else’s head and life, I simply got up. Now, I know that’s probably what many other people do on a day to day basis and it may not seem like much of an achievement but for me its a huge step. My mornings (particularly at the weekend when I don’t have work) have generally been spent laying in bed, feeling bloody awful about pretty much everything. The overthinking I do laying there can go on for hours, as I will myself to go back to sleep and shut the whole thing down. My husband has constantly cajoled me to try and get up, promising me I’d feel better once I did. I just couldn’t. I was opting out, living in my own mind and, although I never really understood what being ‘present’ actually meant, I now know I was the exact opposite.

It was rare that I wouldn’t have drunk a bottle (plus) of wine the night before, but on the odd occasion I had managed only a few, I still felt just as awful. So, it couldn’t be the alcohol right? It must be something else. There must be something wrong with me or my life. Well surprise surprise, it was the alcohol!!! Who knew? (a fair few people it turns out). I realise that giving it up isn’t going to solve everything and that 2 weeks is just the very tip of the challenges I am going to have to face. I also know I have certain aspects of my life and myself that need a bit of work and some TLC. At least now I can start to do that work with a clear mind and a calm approach. The racing brain has put on the breaks for now and I have a wonderful feeling of peace.

My husband and I went out yesterday evening with good friends of ours. We had a few drinks (peroni libera for me!) whilst our two boys stayed home with their two and played on their variety of consoles. We then all had food and more drinks at their house. I had a lovely evening AF. As we walked home later my 15 year old turned and asked me, “Mum, did you not drink any alcohol tonight?” (I have been honest and told him I have given it up). I replied, “No, I had my non alcohol drinks”. He said, “That’s really cool” and put his arm round me. Enough said I think.

So here I am, 2 hours already under my belt and its only 9am. I can hear the house stirring so I’ll shock the hell out of them all and cook a lovely breakfast. I can’t tell you how good it feels to be in this position.

Thanks all of you for following, commenting and supporting. You have given me Sundays again.

Claire xx

Baby steps and early days.

I haven’t written anything for a few days because I wasn’t really sure what to say. I don’t have any witty comments, interesting stories or clever insights and, if I’m honest, the worry that I might be seen as a boring read stopped me posting anything. Then I had a word with myself. This is not about impressing other people, this is about helping myself by trying to structure my thoughts and reflect on my progress. Plus people on here have been nothing but supportive, caring and encouraging so I just need to get over myself!

So here it is.

My past few days have been the same as any other week really. Getting up, catching the train to work at the children’s hospital (once the boys have left for school), getting home, food shop, washing, cooking tea, (not) making it to the gym, watching tv and messaging friends and family. There has, however, been one big difference. I haven’t once felt that overwhelming feeling of anxiety, sadness or despondency. Though I have felt more exhausted than I can say and have had to nap frequently, it has not been a ‘lying on my bed, opting out until I fall asleep’ nap. It has been a very contented, ‘I’m shattered’ nap. I wake every morning feeling oddly hungover (what’s that about?) and have to remind myself that can’t be the case. The boys call me to ask where their shoes are, have I seen their keys, did I get the food ready for food tech etc etc and instead of feeling uptight and on edge and getting snappy, I remain calm because I FEEL calm. I’m not sure I have truly felt that sense of calm for a very, very long time. Throughout the day I find myself being extra nice to people. I smile at strangers, randomly comment about things and help people who need it, all without thinking about it. In return people have been really lovely to me. What a fantastic feeling!

Granted, I have had a fair few headaches and last night I felt edgy and wanted a glass of wine (I didn’t have one obviously). I’m eating more sugar than you can shake a stick at, seeking out chocolate like a woman possessed. I’m not doing as much exercise as I’d like but there’s always something more to aim for I guess and life isn’t perfect.

Mostly, over the past few days, I have felt so happy. Really, truly happy and content. Not itchy in my own skin, not wondering if I should be doing something different or better. Just plain happy. When you haven’t felt true happiness in a long time, it’s a bloody good feeling I can tell you.

That’s all I have to say today

Claire x

Moderation.

I’ve been thinking a lot about moderation recently. Prior to my giving up alcohol I read up and researched (as I’m sure many of you have) and I noticed many references to moderation and ‘moderate’ drinkers. I most certainly am not a moderate drinker and after years of attempting to ‘cut back’ using a variety of methods it has become clear that total abstinence is my only option.

The interesting thing I’ve discovered is this … my inability to moderate does not only apply to alcohol. In fact, I am pretty excessive and extreme in many aspects of my life. I was totally ‘on it’ when my boys were young. Completely organised, lists on lists, dealing with it all, spinning all the plates etc. Then they reached 13 and 10 yrs two years ago and they didn’t need me (or so it felt at the time). Instead of being able to be moderate in my attention and involvement in their lives, which is what they needed, I disengaged completely. All or nothing, that’s me! I can’t seem to find a midway point.

I’ve been the same with many relationships. Completely giving my all, totally excessive and inevitably getting very hurt at some point. I often have to rely on the other person to moderate, if they don’t just get fed up and bugger off first. Luckily my husband stuck with me through it and after 20 years I’m not quite so excessive with him anymore 😂

So, it’s probably not a surprise that the only way I can manage my relationship with alcohol is to give it up completely. I can’t be a moderate drinker. Maybe though, just maybe, I can learn to be moderate in other aspects of my life. I think being sober might help me achieve that.

Proud and tired.

Oh wow!!!!! I have made it through my first week as a sober individual. I have even managed a weekend away with 15 other people drinking to celebrate my brother’s 50th. I thought I’d be absolutely buzzing but in all honesty I’m totally exhausted. It’s wiped me out. Is that normal? Maybe it’s the amount of energy required to keep myself off it, especially when it’s all around me. Or maybe it’s my body now trying to get used to no alcohol, wondering what the bloody hell is going on.

I felt really good yesterday and have generally felt much better in the mornings. My sleep is still quite disrupted, which surprises me. I actually wake around 5am feeling like I have a mild hangover .. I have to tell myself it can’t be the case. I guess all this is part of the early journey and I just have to go with the flow. I can’t say ‘going with the flow’ is particularly easy for me but I have to learn I can’t control everything in life, so best start getting used to that now I suppose.

I do feel like I’m a bit on the boring side when I’m not drinking and I don’t feel as relaxed in a social situation, but maybe that was because I didn’t really know many people very well. I’m trying not to over think it (as I normally do) and simply congratulate myself on succeeding. I also noticed, looking from the outside in, how little some people actually drink. Particularly the women that were there. I mean, they maybe had 3 glasses of wine, 4 at the most, the ENTIRE evening. When I drank, I assumed everyone had the same amount. Nope, that was clearly just me on my second bottle.

Anyway, my blog isn’t going to be as eloquent, funny or insightful as many others. My posts will generally just be a few thoughts and my attempts to process feelings and situations, but I hope those of you that read them will stick with me. One thing that has astounded me is how absolutely lovely people are on here. The support you have already given me and the way you help and support each other is truly impressive and so valuable. A particular shout out to Jim, a fellow Brit, who took me under his wing a few days ago and has truly made a difference to how I managed this (Thanks Jim and congrats on achieving your personal milestone today).

My second week starts here and I’m looking forward to finding out what other positive things AF brings me.

Claire x

First real test …

So, after feeling pretty smug about things yesterday I have to be honest, as this weekend is approaching, I am feeling anxious. Going away for two nights with 5 other couples, staying in a farmhouse which will be full of alcohol and everyone else enjoying drinks. Out tomorrow evening for dinner and more drinks. I don’t want to ruin it for myself and others by worrying but it’s hard not to. It’s been paid for by my brother, we are kid free and in a beautiful environment – yet all I can focus on is how am I going to survive not drinking alcohol! That’s terrible isn’t it?

Don’t worry, I’m still just as focussed and determined but this is my first real test (although I guess some might say achieving 5 days sober has been 5 separate test already!). I’m fully prepared with my running kit, bubbles for a bath and my kindle – and copious amounts of different AF drinks. I just don’t want to be a total bore or to feel sorry for myself.

Day 6 on a weekend away – I probably didn’t pick the best time to start this journey but for whatever reason I felt I had to do it now and there is no turning back. Onwards and upwards. At least I won’t feel crap tomorrow morning!!!

Claire x

Day 5 …

Today I have a day off work .. I get one every two weeks. For the past year (or more) my day off has started with me not being able to get up. My boys go to school and husband goes to work, I have loads to do, but I lie in bed, feeling exhausted, upset, down and sometimes anxious. I lie there in self pity until I fall asleep. I have often cancelled my gym class and slept until lunch finally forcing myself up to try and get stuff done.

Today I am awake. I have been awake since 7.30am and I don’t feel upset, anxious or exhausted. I’m going to make myself my second cup of tea and make a plan for my day. Thoughts come into my head, I want to message people I shouldn’t (I’ll share that issue another day) but I feel calm about it and know I won’t. I know I’m going to be productive. It’s a relief. I have been on antidepressants for over a year (with a 5 mth break) and not once have I felt this sense I’d calm.

I am thinking a lot about this weekend. My brother has organised a weekend away for 6 couples in a cottage. His 50th is in December and this is part of the celebrations. I purposefully didn’t think about what I would do regarding alcohol because I wanted to get my journey started and that would’ve stopped me. Now I have to decide and I’ve decided I’m not going to drink. It’s so scary and I have no idea how I’m going to manage but I’m not ready to give up on this feeling of waking up calm, refreshed and (dare I say it?) content.

So, on day 5, I am not going to drink this weekend.