Rose

I’ve had one of my little blogging blocks again recently. I’ve started a post a few times this last week but they haven’t amounted to anything. When that happens I just have to go back to my tried and tested method of writing any old waffle that comes to mind. A lovely blogging friend also suggested starting with a photo and seeing where that leads. My photo is of a rose in my parents’ garden. They bought the rose bush as a gift to each other on their 52nd wedding anniversary last year. It has the same name as my first name. Claire is actually my middle name. Pretty isn’t it?

I took the photo on Sunday. We were visiting on Father’s day. A lockdown garden visit. My parents were really excited to see their grandsons. Unfortunately my husband and I rather ruined the atmosphere by arriving in the middle of a very heated discussion. Some more sensitive folk would have classed it as a full blown row. The content doesn’t matter here. The issue is that this past week (and for a little while now) there has been a regular flow of similar spats and disagreements. It’s become wearing. I can’t really work out why it’s occurring more, if indeed it is. Maybe I’m simply more aware of it. It’s very bloody irritating though. It feels as though I need to ask permission to do things I want to do. As though I have to check out if it’s ok to just be me. I know, I know. Here I go, being all over dramatic again. I am starting to figure some stuff out though and once you see, you can’t unsee.

I’ve spent much of my life trying to ‘people please’. Wanting everyone to like me. I’ve agreed to do things I didn’t want to do. I’ve allowed decisions to be made I didn’t feel comfortable with. I’ve even altered my own opinions and beliefs to match those of others around me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve stood my ground in many a dispute and argument. Stated my case and my opinion loudly and at times aggressively. All when I have been as drunk as a skunk. It’s almost like I didn’t set any boundaries within relationships or make my needs known. Eventually that led to bitterness, resentment and anxiety. Mix up that little concoction with a bucket load of booze and what do you get? Fireworks. A mouthy, opinionated (and occasionally obnoxious) Claire. What do you get the next day? A sad, guilty, remorseful and humiliated Claire. A Claire who then apologises profusely for speaking her mind and expressing her feelings. Upset and devastated that people might not like her. Trying desperately to make amends, Back to square one. A little less self esteem, a little more eager to please and so it goes on.

Sobriety has taught me a lot of things. One of the most important being that I have a right to my own opinion and I have my own needs. Not everyone needs to like me and it is ok to say ‘no’ or not agree with others. The knock on effect has been that I am now clear about my boundaries. What and where they are. I express myself more effectively and I walk away from situations and relationships that are unhelpful and potentially damaging. I no longer seethe with resentment or bitterness because I am being used or treated unfairly. I will either attempt to address the issue or simply disengage and try to let it go, knowing I am worth more. No alcohol means no uncontrollable release of frustrations that have built up slowly over time. No regrets and guilt at losing control when pissed equals much improved self esteem and self belief. All this is incredibly positive. It does, however, have a significant impact on some of my closest and most long term relationships. Relationships where, for a long time, I have played the part of ‘pleasing’ and ‘giving in’ to maintain the status quo and be liked (and hopefully not abandoned). Relationships cultivated and built on the ‘agree – fall in line – challenge when drunk – apologise continually – make amends’ cycle. As I have developed and changed, those friendships and relationships (including the one with my husband) are being seriously tested and forced to change too. Some are possibly not going to survive this transition. That’s a scary thought but it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t happen. I will approach it as I approached sobriety, one small step at a time.

This quote is from my home page. I believe I have started to grow back after a pretty harsh winter. Like the rose with the same name, I may have even started blossom.

Love Claire x

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Today

Completely exhausted. That’s how I feel today. From the moment I woke up to this moment right now. 7.40pm UK time. There is no reason why it should be the case. I slept ok. I haven’t had to work much. I’ve actually spent most of the day doing very little. But still I feel worn out.

I’d go one step further and even say I feel jaded with life today. On the whole I think I’ve stayed pretty positive through lockdown. I’ve harnessed my introverted self and for the most part, I have found the time, without social pressure and commitment, enjoyable. Work has been extraordinarily busy but that has meant my downtime has been more precious. I’ve interacted with people who make me happy And I’ve chosen not to engage in situations that do the opposite. I realise I am luckier than most right now and I have been grateful everyday for the things I have.

Today I’m struggling to find the energy it takes to be positive. Today I am left wondering what if this is all my life will be. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with my life. I just don’t know if I can do this day in and day out for the next 6 or 12 months. Maybe even longer. Our trip out to the US to visit my cousin and family in North Carolina is off. Today we finally made the decision to cancel. I am gutted. My cousins wife is like the sister I never had. We are exceptionally close and the thought of seeing her each summer (either here or there) keeps me going on low days. I knew deep down when the lockdown and pandemic kicked off it was unlikely we’d be going in August. I just lived in denial and hoped it wouldn’t be the case. Sadly it is not going to happen. I see the summer stretching in front of me and find myself wondering how we will fill it.

The boys have now been at home constantly for almost 3 months. Ben is 15. It’s unnatural for him to not have any periods of separation from his parents. It’s a weird way for him to experience these teenage years. We all need a break from each other. None of us can find any space. I know I need some space. A half hour walk is lovely but you take for granted those few times when you are truly alone for a morning, an evening or a day. I know I did anyway. It probably doesn’t help that I often feel alone within my relationship with my husband. I can’t find the connection we once had. I think we have functioned really well through this period but there is still something missing. As time goes on, I become less and less confident it will be found.

I hope tomorrow I feel differently. Today has been tough. Today I can’t see a way though. I know there is one. A path will become clear and life will move forward. It always does. But today is just one of ‘those’ days.

Claire xx

Bubble

I’m sitting out in my garden, in the beautiful weather, taking a teeny break from work and my laptop. I’m tapping this out on my lovely new iPad and feeling very much at peace with the world today. Not a cloud in the sky. The birds are tweeting and singing in the background and the boys have (reluctantly) embarked on a bike ride with their dad.

Firstly, thank you to the nominated bloggers who answered the questions in my last post. I know these things aren’t everyone’s cup of tea so please don’t feel any pressure to respond if you were nominated and don’t want to take part. It was, however, great to read more about those of you that did follow up with a post.

Secondly, I’m making the most of this week as I have a feeling that, once again, life is about to be turned upside down. Certainly for the UK anyway. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to work from home. The lockdown rules look set to be relaxed or altered, with schools possibly returning etc etc. I have no idea what it will all look like and the idea does worry and concern me. I have become used to less people and isolation. My birthday was probably one of my favourites for a good few years. No pressure to organise anything and no need to try and meet up with various family and friends. It was simply a day to do exactly what I wanted with no side order of guilt. Maybe that’s selfish but I really enjoyed myself.

I have become anxious around groups of people. Those ‘space invaders’ are increasing in numbers daily and I find myself feeling like an alien in their world. I think I’ve even made an art out of social distancing … I’m an antisocial distancer! I think about crowded bars and restaurants and have absolutely no desire to go back into them once they reopen. The thought of my train commute to work and the walk through the city centre fills me with horror. Am I becoming agoraphobic? I don’t think so. I still love to be outside and I want to see and spend time with certain people. Just not lots of people, in one place, all at once. Is that the definition of agoraphobia? Maybe.

I’m sure I’ll become used to hustle and bustle again. Busy places and crowds. It’s likely to be gradual I guess. A few more people here and there each day. I’ll have to get used to it in order to carry on doing my job. No choice. I suspect many people will decide to be ‘homebodies’ even when lockdown is eased. Slowly dipping their toe in the social pool. Holding onto the side and keeping a float to hand as opposed to jumping in with a dive bomb straight off. It will be strange to watch and experience society re-engaging with each other. Testing out human contact outside their home bubbles once again.

Yet again we are about to face many changes and new rules for living. More challenges and the unknown and uncontrollable. Which is why, for now, I am going to remain in the moment, in my bubble, in the sun. At peace.

Love Claire xx

Liebster Award

Well, how exciting! The lovely Collette nominated me for the Liebster Award and although I hadn’t come across it before, her description of the meaning of the German word ‘Liebster’ is lovely. Look it up. Whilst you’re at it, take a look at Collette’s blog Wine to Water. It’s one of my favourite reads and she writes beautifully. It’s honest, thought provoking and true to life and I just know you’ll love it. Thanks so much Collette, I am very flattered to be nominated. I really enjoyed finding out about you in your Liebster Award post. I hope I do the nomination justice.

Rules

• Thank the blogger who nominated you, and provide a link to their blog.
• Answer the 11 questions given to you.
• Share 11 facts about yourself.
• Nominate 5-11 other bloggers.
• Ask your nominees 11 questions.
• Notify your nominees one you have uploaded your post.

My answers to Collette’s questions …

1. If you had the ability to turn back time, what time period would you return to? My answer to this is a little dull really. I’d like to go back to the naughties. 2004 to 2014 specifically. I’d love to just experience my little babies once more and also the toddler and early school years. I love them dearly now but if I had a chance to experience it again …
2. If you could return anything you own and get a refund, what would it be and why? My food processor. It was on my wedding gift list and it’s huge and literally never been used. It has 101 attachments and a billion different functions. It scares me! It’s sat in a cupboard for almost 17 years and I can’t bring myself to bin it. Oh the guilt!!
3. If you could get rid of one vegetable or fruit in the entire world, what would it be and why? Raisins. I don’t think I even need to give an explanation. Devil’s food.
4. Is there an item you find completely useless and it shouldn’t even exist in the first place? Eyelash curlers.
5. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? This is a really tricky one as I’m not really very well travelled. From the things I’ve heard, read and seen I’d like to try New Zealand. The outdoor living with beautiful scenery. The ‘Swiss Sunday‘ posts of Bereaved Single Dad have definitely put Switzerland up there in my top three. In all honesty though, I love the UK. I don’t like how it’s run and there’s a great deal I’d change if I could but it’s a beautiful place. I’d perhaps move nearer the sea or into the countryside though.
6. What is your biggest fear? I’m frightened of losing those I love and cherish.
7. What is your favourite family vacation? We have had some fab family holidays but I have to say, my favourite is probably our trip to the US a couple of years back. We saw so much, visited amazing places mountains, beaches, New York, Washington plus we spent real quality time in North Carolina with my cousin and his gorgeous family. All four of us had a phenomenal experience. It was the perfect family holiday.
8. What would you change about yourself if you could? Hmmm 🤔 how shallow should I be here? My wrinkles, my pot belly, my inability to do anything musical? Actually my first thought was my depression. It is something I really wish I didn’t struggle with but I am much better now and it happens less and is short lived. I just wish it didn’t happen at all, mainly because of the impact it has on those I love.
9. What makes you really angry? Injustice and unfairness. In anything. I’ve had to learn to let those things go a little more as it only leads to bitterness and resentment. They are not a good look!
10. What is your proudest accomplishment? Can I cheat and have two? The first is my boys. I’m so proud of them both and the young adults they are developing into. The second, without doubt, is becoming sober over 5 months ago. I had a very dependent relationship with alcohol and it was a hugely important part of my life. Giving it up has literally changed my life, for the better. I am a different person and I take all the credit for getting to this place. I don’t mind boasting about it!
11. What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? The Rise of Skywalker. This is the final film in the Star Wars trilogy. It was generally quite boring and all a bit far fetched and fairytale. I don’t often get to go and watch films at the cinema of my own choosing. It’s often star wars, marvel or similar. That’s the joy of being a mum of boys I guess.

11 facts about me

• My birthday is on Sunday
• I have ‘twin toes’ on my right foot
• I love to sing but I’m awful at singing
• I cross stitch 😡 🧵
• I am a Speech and Language Therapist and I work with children and adults with cleft lip and palate or speech issues related to palate function.
• I have two boys. They are 15 and 12 years old. They are polar opposites of each other in every way.
• I love to play scrabble. My new favourite obsession is Word Feud online.
• I can balance on my right leg for 149 seconds and on my left for 147 seconds. That’s my best effort to date!
• I love all things ‘theatre’ … one of my favourite activities is a trip to the theatre. Musicals, plays, classical performances, concerts … anything. I’d love to have acted on the stage but never had the guts (or the talent!)
• I have a fiery temper.
• I am sober and delighted about it.

My nominees are:

• Anne at Nomorebeer2019. This lady is sparky, bright, funny and honest. She can vary her style of writing and is always fantastic to read. Her support on mine and others blogs has been invaluable. She is one of my ‘Wordpress tribe’ and has a great way of saying it as it is.
• Paige, Beyond Hedonism, is new to this … blogging and giving up the booze. She is doing brilliantly at sticking with something that is incredibly difficult to do. She is following a path many of us have walked down. Go check her out and support her.
• Bereaved Single Dad has most likely been nominated for this award before but hey ho, he now has to answer my questions! His blog is a delight to read and he touches on many different subjects, with an unassuming and self deprecating style of writing that draws you in.
• My final nominee is Anna, Storm in a Wine Glass. A lovely lady who has shared some really honest experiences about her life and who is forever encouraging of others. She too is open and honest and a huge support to many. Plus a great writer to boot.

I’m excited to find out more about my fellow blogging nominees so here are your 11 questions ….

1. If you could have had any job/career what would it have been?
2. If you were stranded on a desert island what three items would you choose to have with you?
3. What the thing you like most about yourself?
4. If you could relive one day again, exactly as it was before, what day would it be and why?
5. If you could only see one more band/singer live, who would it be?
6. What is your biggest achievement in your life so far?
7. What’s your favourite way to relax (keep it clean please!)?
8. You can have a superpower for a year. Which one would you choose?
9. What’s your favourite time of day and why?
10. What are you most afraid of?
11. What are your ‘words to live by?’ Name the three most important for you.

Thanks again Collette for nominating me. I look forward to reading the responses to my questions and a few little facts about some of my favourite bloggers.

Love Claire xx

Lists, lists, lists …

I can’t sleep. I’m just lying here staring into the dark and wondering what I should do. I’ve decided I will post on my blog. Just fill the time waiting to drift off and put my private thoughts down for all to read. I like to share! I read somewhere that you should write down what goes through your mind when you can’t sleep. I think I’ll do it as a list, spurred on by the recent post by blogger bereavedandbeingasingleparent. Here is my list of ‘keeping me awake’ thoughts …

1. Why can’t I sleep? All I’ve wanted to do today is sleep and now I’m wide awake!
2. Why has running become so difficult? It feels as if each leg is filled with lead and every step is a huge effort.
3. I have successfully managed three days on my significant reduction in sugar diet. It’s bloody torture.
4. I realised that 5.1g of sugar per 100ml in alcohol free wine is A LOT of sugar!! Now I have to kick that addiction too. Am I psychologically attached to AF wine now?
5. My 15 year old son looks like a huge adult now. He takes up so much space.
6. I actually don’t understand what my 15 year old says some of the time. For a speech and language therapist, that’s poor!
7. I’m still a bundle of pins and needles with stiff wrists, arms and hands. No feedback from MRI over 3 weeks ago. Do I chase it? I suspect I’m just getting old.
8. I reached 5 months sober last Friday. I celebrated by ordering an early birthday present for myself. An ipad Air. Never having owned an iPad I am ridiculously excited for it to arrive.
9. I bet my iPad doesn’t come for ages.
10. My birthday is less that two weeks away. I’m going to celebrate the day by heading to los Lounges, les Gardenia, Santa Bedroomed and Playa de Kitchena. I’ll also take a super exciting trip to ‘Worlde de Outside’ for up to an hour. I’m looking forward to it already.
11. I don’t really miss drinking at the moment. For someone who loved to drink at home that’s pretty good going.
12. I don’t miss social outings with lots of people either, particularly centred around drinking
13. I keep forgetting to face time or Skype people for a social catch up
14. I’ve realised I’m actually quite an antisocial person.
15. What if a test for antibodies is developed? Will there be two distinct groups of communities? Those with an ID card that proves they are immune to Covid-19 and those without. The cans and the cannots?
16. Are my children actually learning anything via homeschooling at the moment? When will they have to submit anything to be checked? How do you learn if you don’t ever have any feedback?
17. Will I ever know what to do about my relationship with my husband? Why can’t I put my finger on what is wrong? What is it I want?
18. I’m quite enjoying not having to think about what I’m wearing or what I look like.
19. For some reason I’m not getting notifications that people have replied to my comments. Am I on a ‘word press’ naughty list?
20. Will I ever get to sleep?

There we have it. 20 thoughts, listed in no sensible order. Lots of unanswered questions. To be honest I’m not sure it’s helped writing them down. It’s passed the time though. I now have around 6 hrs before a video meeting which I am supposed to be leading. Joy.

I’m going to stay positive and be grateful though. A quick grateful list …

• I’m grateful my family is currently healthy and well
• I’m grateful I have a job and I am able to contact and support my patients and their families
• Thankfully I am working from home tomorrow so I can always move from my office to my bed in two (maybe three) steps and have a little midday lunchtime snooze if needed
• I’m bloody ecstatic that I have an iPad on its way (that’s terribly shallow and materialistic I know, but I’m being truthful here)
• I am so so grateful I won’t wake up in a few hours feeling hung over and shitty. Tired yes, but miserable from too much wine, no.
• Finally I thank goodness for my blog. I can spew it all out here and get it off my chest. Unfortunately you lot had to read it all! 😁

Stay safe, sleep well

Claire xx

Easter kindness

I have to say, I don’t always find writing on my own blog very easy. I love reading other people’s and commenting but I just can’t seem to find the right words for my own post. Having said that, I’ve sat myself down in front of the lap top and I think I’m just going to chat about my Easter weekend. Just roll that dice, take a chance and have a ramble!

On Friday (Good Friday) it was a luxury to wake up late and not have to switch on my work laptop or check my phone for work emails. I have been grateful for work in recent weeks, its kept me occupied and stopped me descending into the Claire world of over thinking life, the universe and everything. I was so exhausted by Friday though and I made a purposeful decision to not ‘work’ at all for the Easter break. I lounged about in the morning, drinking tea, reading blogs and catching up with friends via what’s app. Then I went into the garden. Boy did I go wild in the wilds of our little oasis. The bushes and trees that run the length of the left hand side have not been touched since we moved in … 16 years ago!!! Once I start, I’m unstoppable. I pulled out weeds, that then suddenly became whole shrubs. There were trees with stumps as big as a bowling ball that came out in my hand when I pulled … because they were dead! I left huge gaping holes in the bushes. The neighbours are going to be delighted we can watch them sunbathe and also see what they are up to in the kitchen. Literally 3 days of cutting, pulling and bashing and its still no where near finished. You can imagine the pile of garden waste that now sits under, behind and in front of the trampoline. Oh and no garden waste collection (I forgot to renew it) and no refuge centres open. Oooooops. My husband is still not really speaking to me!

The gaping hole where the holy bush once stood.

Look what I did!!!

On Friday night we had a family quiz with my ‘in laws’ using Zoom. It was great fun. My parents joined in but I think I’m going to ban them from any similar activities until they agree to have their hearing tested. Multiple repetitions of each question becomes rather …. repetitive. By the end of the game people were clearly drunk, falling around and shouting at their respective devices. I sipped my alcohol free wine and was thankful that I gave it all up nearly 5 months ago. Sobriety has enabled me to cope with this lockdown and Covid-19 situation with a positivity and calmness than would not have been possible had I been still addicted to wine. Sure, I have bad days, but as Anna (Storm In A Wine Glass) said in her recent post ” I realise how my worst day sober is still a million times better than my best day drunk.”

Saturday and Sunday followed much the same pattern. Lots of gardening (well, destruction and demolition), chilled out lazy mornings and a trip to the supermarket for our food shop and one the for lady down the road. I arrived home from delivering her groceries to a little ‘care package’ left on my door step by my brother and his partner. He lives about a 40 minute drive away and had made the journey over to bring me some gorgeous goodies and treats. Their kindness overwhelmed me and I already knew I had a wonderful brother, but he really is the bee’s knees. I started thinking about ‘kindness’ after I’d checked out all the little gifts. It’s a quality I value greatly and true kindness is really a beautiful thing when it happens. I’ve had a lot of criticism throughout my life. Self-criticism, overt criticism, ‘subtle’ criticism and criticism meant to be constructive but really not. It has led to me being a little too judgemental and often having mean and unkind thoughts about others. In the past I have slipped into, not particularly nice, conversations about certain people and not really given it much thought. Since ditching the booze I have made a conscious effort to not do any of this, practicing kindness in how I act, behave and think. It’s actually an easier way of being. I still can find people irritating as hell and that’s ok. I’m not super human and people piss me off. I am, however, more able to understand a situation. I’m less bitter and resentful of what other’s have and do and I’m more at peace with my own world. In a selfish way, being kinder towards others has improved my ability to be kinder to myself. It’s a quality I want to instil in my boys. Plus you get really cute little gifts every now and then too!! Its a win win.

My little treats in the ‘care package’

Today, Monday, I have stayed out of the garden and left my husband to try and salvage something from the wreckage. I ran 5 miles and cleaned the house. I’ve made a tandoori chicken and rice tea for the boys and now I am sat typing this blog. My life is so different than it was 6 months ago. I am living under government restrictions but I am the most free I have been in a very long time. That’s a lovely feeling and I am going to savour the moment as my first sober Easter weekend draws to a close.

Love Claire xx

Cows spotted on my run, not following social distancing rules.

My week (in pictures)

When I left you last I wasn’t in a particularly good way. My unwelcome visitors were, well exactly that, unwelcome! Fortunately for me, this time they did not stay long and both Mr Anxiety and Mrs Depression went on their merry way as the week wore on. It’s hard to express how grateful I am that it was short-lived and I am following the advice you lovely people gave me. Yes, it’s normal to have periods like it and really important to continue telling myself it will lift. Things do get better.

The week trundled on. I was working in the hospital for two days and working from home for the other three. It’s been ridiculously busy but only in terms of organisation of services to enable patients to have some form of contact where needed. That’s been successful so far and assessing speech and communication over a video link has not been too tricky. I think it might be due to the ‘screen’ factor. I appear to be far more interesting now I’m on their phone, tablet or laptop. We cover an enormous region as a specialist service and I think this will change how we work in the future. It will enable some families to access services much more easily and not have to commute a one to two hour journey to see us. Every cloud eh? All staff have now received a letter informing us that we may now be redeployed to work on the front line and requested to cover shortages in other locations, in area outside of our usual roles. I just hope they give me some basic training if I have to do anything, particularly if nursing based – I could be more of hindrance than a help.

I’ve continued to support those in need in our local area. The people have been lovely and so appreciative of being able to have some shopping done for them when self isolating. To be honest, they are very straightforward as far as shopping goes. Compared with my own Dad anyway. His list consisted of baby plum tomatoes, Sainsbury’s taste the difference sausages, Rachel’s coconut yogurt, Coleman’s English mustard and a partridge in a pear tree! He and my mum are doing well with self distancing and I’m proud of them for sticking with it and following all the guidelines. We decided to delay Mum’s surgery for the skin cancer on her leg and nose. We agreed it was better to take the risk of a slow growing cancer getting worse than picking up Covid-19.

A little stop on my run yesterday

I’ve carried on running. I’m getting back into it slowly. It’s an interesting experience where some people make a lot of effort to move out of your way and there’s a clear mutual respect of the distancing rules. Others are not moving for nobody. No way. Not even a pretend wobble to appear like they are making an effort. They just keep on walking, sometimes two or three people across the path and I end up being forced to run into the road. I never ceased to be amazed by some people. Like those who are busily clearing out their houses of junk with all th spare time they suddenly have. Said junk is then bagged up and helpfully dumped outside charity shops who are, surprise surprise, shut. Never mind eh? I guess they are being ‘good’ by donating their useless crap to charity. Just someone else now needs to deal with it all.

Before the gardeners came off the Xbox to help

I’m trying to have some ‘me’ time but with work and having the boys home it isn’t easy. To be fair, they’d be happy on their screens all day long but we are trying to restrict that. Today they helped in the garden. It needs a lot of work and much to their disgust they had to spend 3 ours weeding and picking up the pruned branches. I spent my day cleaning. Let me just say, I HATE cleaning. Unfortunately, my anxiety was not the type that encouraged me to get cleaning and tidying. I particularly don’t like cleaning toilets. But today I did three of them and the surrounding areas. I also gave the kitchen a good going over. It actually felt good! My brain switched off and I sang and wiggled about to 90’s Indie music. I’m not promising anything, but maybe I might be persuaded to try the lounge and back room tomorrow. It could be a rock day for Alexa. Who knows?

A sparkly kitchen and alcohol free wine!

So, with the guinea pigs fed, our burgers ready to eat and my alcohol free wine poured, I’ll sign off. I’ll add some photos to make the whole thing more interesting. Oh, one more thing, I have reached 20 weeks sober today. 20 weeks. TWENTY WEEKS!!! I’m just going to give myself a big round of applause. Still the best decision I have ever made.

Biscuit and Toffee enjoying tea

Stay safe all

Love Claire

Up and running again

One of the weirdest weeks ever! Every single day, four or five times a day, things change. Plans are made, then unmade. People can’t work from home, people MUST work from home unless they absolutely can’t. Some of my staff are all guns blazing … let me get out there and fight this thing, others wanting to run away and hide. So challenging to deal daily with tears, tantrums and hysteria .. and that’s just my own.

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So, I am finally set up (kind of) with the technology required to work from home for some days. How long for is unknown, like so many things right now. I may be redeployed to help elsewhere. God help anyone I have to care for. I’m not even sure where you shove a thermometer.

My first experience with Zoom teleconferencing was hilarious. Clearly the NHS world is not used to this type of futuristic magic. There were people who just did not realise they needed to mute their screen. We heard someone home schooling and yelling at a very bored child, saw someone relaxing on his hammock in his back garden and listened as a member of staff went to the bathroom. It was the highlight of my day.

Today I had an SOS call from a neighbour. They’d seen my leaflet and wanted someone to get supplies as they are elderly, in poor health and their son is now self isolating. She sent me her shopping list and told me it might be difficult to get her bread as she’s glutton free! I wish I was glutton free. Then I might not have this wobbly chocolate belly,

Finally, today I managed to go for a run. I have really lost my exercise mojo over recent weeks, even months. Today, however, with the sun shining, I stuck on my trainers and off I went. I walked/ran for two miles and ran for another 3. Shattered but good to get out after 3 days of high stress and anxiety (not mine for a change, other people’s). I’m planning to run most days now. Make it a routine.

I was asked by a fellow blogger to post some photos when running, so here they are …

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It’s been a week of many firsts and of rising to challenges. I’m coping with change without panic and emotion and with a little bit of humour. I’m doing all of it sober. In fact, what I now know is that I have to be sober to deal with it. As people around the UK clapped for NHS workers, care staff, frontline employees, supermarket assistants, delivery man … etc etc … I realised that we have to ride this storm. I intend to do just that and to do it sober.

Stay safe, look after yourselves and keep in touch by blogging or commenting.

Claire xx

The strength of community ….

This has always been a favourite quote of mine and I wanted to post it today.

Thinking of you all, my ‘Word Press Pack’

Love Claire xx 😘

The only constant is change

As usual I have no plan for what I’m about to write. I haven’t posted anything in over a week but I still regularly check, read and comment on others’ posts. It comforts me to do that. This past few weeks have been a total whirlwind. So much happening in such a short space of time. I have no idea what emotion I’m feeling from one minute to the next!

Watching it all unfold has been surreal. Daily counts of those infected and those sadly that have lost their lives because of Covid-19 has quite simply shocked me. Heading into work this week (I work at a children’s hospital in a city centre) on a near empty rush hour train (hence the photo) the reality started to sink in.

The past few days has been full on with decisions and plans at work being made, remade and changed. The impact of each decision being reviewed and considered. Staff in my team in tears at one time or another with the stress and fatigue of the unknown. Then, the schools announced closure, but not for offspring of key workers (NHS staff, children in need, teachers etc). My two boys (15 and 12yrs) went into meltdown. Resolutely refusing to go because no-one else will be. This is still ‘under discussion’.

My mum was diagnosed with skin cancer on Tuesday. Two different types in two locations. She is 76 and already ticks ‘underlying health condition’ boxes. It was upsetting but treatment decisions have been made now and she has astonished me with her positive attitude about it all. I think she can see the bigger picture and is for once not asking ‘what if?’. She and my dad are self isolating and I’m feeling so proud of them both because I know they are feeling scared and isolated right now.

Interestingly I don’t think in my 25 years of working for the NHS I’ve ever felt this valued by so many. All sorts of shops, cafes and businesses are giving out free drinks, 50% off food and even free bottles of hand moisturiser to NHS workers. People are being lovely and so supportive and considerate. That’s such a positive to come out of this.

So, with all the drama and the stress, the sadness and the worry, my anxiety levels have of course been sky rocketing. Change is often so tricky and we are dealing with it daily, sometimes hourly. But for every moment of anxiety, there has been a glimpse of calm and peace brought by all the lovely, kind deeds that I’m witnessing. The renewed sense of community is palpable. Yes, there are stories of selfish idiots and acts of pure nastiness, but I’m not focusing on that. We are all in this together and I hope that after it is over we are all better humans and an improved society in many ways.

Finally, I’m not going to lie, there have been moments of ‘fuck it, I am going to drink’. I haven’t and I’m actually really, really glad about that. It would not help me right now.

Stay safe, be kind and take good care of yourselves. Oh, and keep blogging … reading your posts certainly helps me stay positive when it all gets a little too much. 😊❤️

Claire xx