Tag Archives: change

Relationships

It’s been a weird few weeks with an overarching feeling of standing on the sidelines, watching from a distance. I’m normally in the thick of it all but I just haven’t wanted to be. I’ve had a few episodes of truly craving an alcoholic drink. One particularly bad moment on Monday where I was almost persuading myself to go to a bar after work whilst walking through town and sit with a large glass of wine. I didn’t. I downloaded and tried out mediation apps (following the advice from all you lovely people), I read some of ‘This naked mind’ and I took a very long bath. It helped the edgy feelings pass.

I will have been 7 weeks sober this weekend and there have been lots of changes within me. I have mentioned them in previous posts. What I didn’t account for was the impact my not drinking would have on my relationships. Not all positive either.

I am slowly becoming more sure of myself, beginning to accept how I am and confident that I deserve to be treated well by others. “Yes, yes, yes!” I hear you cry and it is good. It’s a massive shift and is definitely the right way for me to be heading. It does mean, however, that I’m also less accepting of the poor behaviours of others. I’m allowing myself more ‘me’ time and because I’m now enjoying my own company, I’m spending less time seeking out company of others. I’m still keeping those I love and have supported me throughout close but my friendship circle is becoming much smaller.

I also didn’t account for how exhausting this journey would be. It takes effort and work to not turn to wine to block out difficult emotions. The things that are coming to the fore now I’m sober are challenging to deal with. I’m having to learn new skills to work through all this. I’m ok with that but it takes time and energy. This impacts on my nearest and dearest who also want my time and energy. Some days I just don’t have much left of either. I’ve been using it all up on myself. I feel selfish about that. It’s hard. Who’d have thought giving up booze would feel like a selfish act?

I think my husband also feels I’m being a little too self centred. The ‘wow, you’ve done so well’ comments have all but disappeared. Now I’m sensing resentment and boredom with it all. I’m different, I’m changing and the thing we used to share, drinking, has gone with nothing to replace it.

I guess that the issues that are now becoming apparent in my relationships have always been there. I just dealt with them differently before and buried things under a cloak of wine. My default position was to blame myself: what did I do to cause this, what should I have done, I’ll apologise and smooth it over. I don’t do that so much now. It’s a huge relief to not take the weight of every relationship and friendship on my shoulders but it’s clearly difficult for others to get used to the change.

Maybe being Alcohol Free in 2020 will mean some relationships naturally come to an end. That feels sad but I have to believe, if it happens, it’s the right thing for me. What I do know is that being sober will help me develop new relationships and friendships that are positive, supportive and exactly what I need.

Happy New Year to you all

Claire xxxx

Musing over mindfulness, meditation and me

I’m looking for some advice. As I move into 2020, having now completed 6 weeks AF (I am allowing myself a teeny smug moment here!), I’m thinking about what I’d like to work on. Many of you refer to meditation and yoga on the blogs. I’ve looked into and attempted to use mindfulness apps and programmes. I just can’t get my head around it all (or, in the case of yoga, my legs and arms).

I think it might help me in many areas of my life, including the periods of anxiety and depression (though thankfully they have lessened since the drinking stopped). Mostly though, I’d like to give myself the skills and tools to deal with situations and challenges that arise and the emotions that come with them without feeling like I need to rely on alcohol to get me through (or indeed any other unhelpful or damaging crutch).

So what are people’s thoughts on it all? Is it helpful? Where does one start? Can I teach myself? It’s a minefield and I’m keen to know your views .. pros and cons.

By the way, I do realise I’m unlikely to suddenly look like the woman in the photo! I’ll give it my best shot though. 😊

Thanks

Claire xxx

Home alone

This whole time of year is so weird I think. It seems even more so approaching it sober. All the build up, the rushing about, the nights out, the present buying … it’s all felt a tad excessive this year.

Now the boys are getting older Christmas has changed yet again. I’m a little sick of change if the truth be told. What I’d give to just step back to one of those Christmas days when they were little. The excitement, the cuddles, the laughter. Ah sigh.

Who the bloody hell am I kidding? Talk about rose tinted eye wear. Going back would mean hung over as fuck (excuse bad language!), up half the night with one or both of the boys, desperate for a coffee whilst they tear open presents, trying to maintain some level of control over proceedings and failing, stress levels high, knowing I have to start the dinner but desperately wanting to go back to bed and then, the cherry on the top, drinking myself into a stupor to get through the day. Maybe change isn’t that bad really!?

Sadly I haven’t been well since I finished work on Monday. I kept going Christmas Eve and day but today I have had to submit. My husband and the boys have gone off to stay overnight with the in-laws and celebrate with them. I am, for the first time ever, totally alone on Boxing Day and night. This is not the xmas I had planned but I’m not going to think about ‘what if’ and ‘if only’. This is what has happened, I can’t control it, so I need to find a positive in it. My resilience is low but I will not allow it to spiral.

This is a strange post, slightly all over the place. Kind of how I’m feeling right now. Anyway …. Lemsip, bed and sleep. That’s the priority now: getting better and back in the game. 😁

Claire xxx

Bad mood alert!

I woke up this morning and could immediately tell I am not in a great mood. I’m not anxious and it’s definitely not a black cloud of depression. I just feel a bit miserable. There is no reason why which makes me more cross about it. I’ve cancelled my gym class, I’m still lying in bed at almost 10am and I’m wallowing in self pity. I know all these things are unhelpful and the best thing to do is get up, shower and get on with my day. I know that is the case but still I can’t persuade myself to do it.

Today is my brothers big 50th birthday party. It starts this afternoon and then will continue on through the evening for all those that are hard core. That used to be me. I would be so excited about today. I’d have booked a hair appointment, painted my nails, planned my outfit. Lots of people to see and chat to, people I haven’t seen for years. Drinking alcohol, having fun, socialising, dancing and singing.

Now .. I just can’t be bothered. It’s not that I don’t want to go. I’m not dreading it. I know I won’t drink. I just don’t feel excited about it. That makes me kind of sad. It’s a huge part of the ‘old’ me that has gone missing. I know there are so many more positives to hold on to and life has been much much better without alcohol in it. I guess I miss the ‘high’ of the anticipation of a really good get together which used to come with drinking.

Maybe it will return as I get further down the sobriety path or maybe it just won’t bother me as much that the excitement has gone. Right now though I feel miserable and moody about it. Pathetic I know. I’ll allow myself 15 minutes of self misery and then shower, iron something to wear and paint my nails. Hopefully the party spirt might come knocking.

Claire xx

The girl did good!

Well, it once seemed such an impossibility and an insurmountable challenge but I’m delighted and proud to tell you, my blogging pals, that I have now not touched a drop of alcohol for exactly ONE MONTH (I felt capitals were apt here!). Like, a whole god damn month!!!!!! Who would have thought?? Certainly not me (or to be fair, anyone who knew me!). However, here I am, one month on, sober and still standing. It’s probably a good time to consider what’s happened in just one month:

1. I now sleep! I still wake in the night but don’t lie there for hours feeling shocking and reliving past events or worrying about future ones.

2. I no longer wake up in the early hours bargaining with myself not to drink later that day or this week or until Thursday .. only to then let myself down every single time!

3. I haven’t had a single hangover for an ENTIRE MONTH!!! I do still have headaches, which may be related to not enough water and too much caffeine, but compared to wasting days, feeling like shit, with no energy for anything, it’s small fry.

4. I enjoy mornings. I am actually a ‘morning person’ …. who knew? All these years I’ve said I’m a night owl and it was bollocks. Utter rubbish. I especially love Sunday mornings. Quiet and peaceful, just me, myself and I, before everyone else stirs. Bliss.

5. I am calm. My mind is not frantic. I’m still emotional and I’ll cry at the drop of a hat, but it’s good emotions. Positive.

6. My anxiety and depression has finally lifted. I’m still taking my anti depressants as I was before but that great black cloud that sat above me and the feelings of panic that washed over me have all but disappeared. I still feel down at times and I still worry about stuff but it doesn’t take hold like it did. I can manage it. The more I deal with it, the less it happens.

7. I am less of a people pleaser and my self esteem has returned …. at long last. I am starting, slowly, to identify those that are important in my life, who truly care for and love me. The opposite is true, I am beginning to recognise the people that took advantage, who always put their needs first and never truly bothered about my feelings. I am saying goodbye to some of those people and I am learning to step back from others who have the capacity to hurt me.

8. I am engaging with my family. I have made far more effort with my mum and have started to rebuild our relationship, which was gradually falling apart. My two boys finally have their mum back and are so proud that I don’t drink alcohol. I do wish they wouldn’t share my sobriety with everyone we know but I guess if they want to shout it from the rooftops then who am I to stop them?

9. I have realised, through the love and support of a very dear friend, that I am a kind person, a good mum, a decent human being and, though I make mistakes, I am worth people loving and caring for me. I deserve it!

10. I am sober and I intend to remain that way. I don’t feel as though I have given anything up. Instead, I feel I’ve given myself a chance at enjoying life again.

So, I have listed just 10 of many, many positives that removing alcohol from my life has given me. What an amazing Christmas gift I gave myself when I decided to start this journey. Lastly, I want to thank all of you on here for reading my posts up until now, for liking them and commenting. I would not be here if it wasn’t for my ‘sober pals’ and I’m so grateful to you all.

Now for my next month ….

Love, hugs and thanks

Claire xxx