Today

Completely exhausted. That’s how I feel today. From the moment I woke up to this moment right now. 7.40pm UK time. There is no reason why it should be the case. I slept ok. I haven’t had to work much. I’ve actually spent most of the day doing very little. But still I feel worn out.

I’d go one step further and even say I feel jaded with life today. On the whole I think I’ve stayed pretty positive through lockdown. I’ve harnessed my introverted self and for the most part, I have found the time, without social pressure and commitment, enjoyable. Work has been extraordinarily busy but that has meant my downtime has been more precious. I’ve interacted with people who make me happy And I’ve chosen not to engage in situations that do the opposite. I realise I am luckier than most right now and I have been grateful everyday for the things I have.

Today I’m struggling to find the energy it takes to be positive. Today I am left wondering what if this is all my life will be. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with my life. I just don’t know if I can do this day in and day out for the next 6 or 12 months. Maybe even longer. Our trip out to the US to visit my cousin and family in North Carolina is off. Today we finally made the decision to cancel. I am gutted. My cousins wife is like the sister I never had. We are exceptionally close and the thought of seeing her each summer (either here or there) keeps me going on low days. I knew deep down when the lockdown and pandemic kicked off it was unlikely we’d be going in August. I just lived in denial and hoped it wouldn’t be the case. Sadly it is not going to happen. I see the summer stretching in front of me and find myself wondering how we will fill it.

The boys have now been at home constantly for almost 3 months. Ben is 15. It’s unnatural for him to not have any periods of separation from his parents. It’s a weird way for him to experience these teenage years. We all need a break from each other. None of us can find any space. I know I need some space. A half hour walk is lovely but you take for granted those few times when you are truly alone for a morning, an evening or a day. I know I did anyway. It probably doesn’t help that I often feel alone within my relationship with my husband. I can’t find the connection we once had. I think we have functioned really well through this period but there is still something missing. As time goes on, I become less and less confident it will be found.

I hope tomorrow I feel differently. Today has been tough. Today I can’t see a way though. I know there is one. A path will become clear and life will move forward. It always does. But today is just one of ‘those’ days.

Claire xx

Bubble

I’m sitting out in my garden, in the beautiful weather, taking a teeny break from work and my laptop. I’m tapping this out on my lovely new iPad and feeling very much at peace with the world today. Not a cloud in the sky. The birds are tweeting and singing in the background and the boys have (reluctantly) embarked on a bike ride with their dad.

Firstly, thank you to the nominated bloggers who answered the questions in my last post. I know these things aren’t everyone’s cup of tea so please don’t feel any pressure to respond if you were nominated and don’t want to take part. It was, however, great to read more about those of you that did follow up with a post.

Secondly, I’m making the most of this week as I have a feeling that, once again, life is about to be turned upside down. Certainly for the UK anyway. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to work from home. The lockdown rules look set to be relaxed or altered, with schools possibly returning etc etc. I have no idea what it will all look like and the idea does worry and concern me. I have become used to less people and isolation. My birthday was probably one of my favourites for a good few years. No pressure to organise anything and no need to try and meet up with various family and friends. It was simply a day to do exactly what I wanted with no side order of guilt. Maybe that’s selfish but I really enjoyed myself.

I have become anxious around groups of people. Those ‘space invaders’ are increasing in numbers daily and I find myself feeling like an alien in their world. I think I’ve even made an art out of social distancing … I’m an antisocial distancer! I think about crowded bars and restaurants and have absolutely no desire to go back into them once they reopen. The thought of my train commute to work and the walk through the city centre fills me with horror. Am I becoming agoraphobic? I don’t think so. I still love to be outside and I want to see and spend time with certain people. Just not lots of people, in one place, all at once. Is that the definition of agoraphobia? Maybe.

I’m sure I’ll become used to hustle and bustle again. Busy places and crowds. It’s likely to be gradual I guess. A few more people here and there each day. I’ll have to get used to it in order to carry on doing my job. No choice. I suspect many people will decide to be ‘homebodies’ even when lockdown is eased. Slowly dipping their toe in the social pool. Holding onto the side and keeping a float to hand as opposed to jumping in with a dive bomb straight off. It will be strange to watch and experience society re-engaging with each other. Testing out human contact outside their home bubbles once again.

Yet again we are about to face many changes and new rules for living. More challenges and the unknown and uncontrollable. Which is why, for now, I am going to remain in the moment, in my bubble, in the sun. At peace.

Love Claire xx

The only constant is change

As usual I have no plan for what I’m about to write. I haven’t posted anything in over a week but I still regularly check, read and comment on others’ posts. It comforts me to do that. This past few weeks have been a total whirlwind. So much happening in such a short space of time. I have no idea what emotion I’m feeling from one minute to the next!

Watching it all unfold has been surreal. Daily counts of those infected and those sadly that have lost their lives because of Covid-19 has quite simply shocked me. Heading into work this week (I work at a children’s hospital in a city centre) on a near empty rush hour train (hence the photo) the reality started to sink in.

The past few days has been full on with decisions and plans at work being made, remade and changed. The impact of each decision being reviewed and considered. Staff in my team in tears at one time or another with the stress and fatigue of the unknown. Then, the schools announced closure, but not for offspring of key workers (NHS staff, children in need, teachers etc). My two boys (15 and 12yrs) went into meltdown. Resolutely refusing to go because no-one else will be. This is still ‘under discussion’.

My mum was diagnosed with skin cancer on Tuesday. Two different types in two locations. She is 76 and already ticks ‘underlying health condition’ boxes. It was upsetting but treatment decisions have been made now and she has astonished me with her positive attitude about it all. I think she can see the bigger picture and is for once not asking ‘what if?’. She and my dad are self isolating and I’m feeling so proud of them both because I know they are feeling scared and isolated right now.

Interestingly I don’t think in my 25 years of working for the NHS I’ve ever felt this valued by so many. All sorts of shops, cafes and businesses are giving out free drinks, 50% off food and even free bottles of hand moisturiser to NHS workers. People are being lovely and so supportive and considerate. That’s such a positive to come out of this.

So, with all the drama and the stress, the sadness and the worry, my anxiety levels have of course been sky rocketing. Change is often so tricky and we are dealing with it daily, sometimes hourly. But for every moment of anxiety, there has been a glimpse of calm and peace brought by all the lovely, kind deeds that I’m witnessing. The renewed sense of community is palpable. Yes, there are stories of selfish idiots and acts of pure nastiness, but I’m not focusing on that. We are all in this together and I hope that after it is over we are all better humans and an improved society in many ways.

Finally, I’m not going to lie, there have been moments of ‘fuck it, I am going to drink’. I haven’t and I’m actually really, really glad about that. It would not help me right now.

Stay safe, be kind and take good care of yourselves. Oh, and keep blogging … reading your posts certainly helps me stay positive when it all gets a little too much. 😊❤️

Claire xx