Tag Archives: life changes

Teenage Troubles

I want to be a good mum. Actually, I want to be a great mum, one of the best and I want my my boys to really connect with me. I didn’t, however, anticipate what I was in for with teenage years. I can’t stop looking back at photos of their cute little faces and curly blonde hair. Scrumptious, sweet, adorable cherubs and they adored me.

Not so much adoring going on now. Lots of doors closing in my face and sulky, sullen exchanges of words. Other people always comment on what a lovely and polite boy my eldest is, which is great to hear and I’m so proud of him for that. Sadly, I don’t see much of that side of him at home. He generally can be seen rolling his eyes, completely irritated by my presence. When did I become so uncool?

What I didn’t appreciate when I was a teenager was how much my mum and dad had to bite their tongues to stop themselves from lowering to my base level. The temptation to stamp my feet, say something really spitefully sarcastic and add a swear word for effect is huge. It’s a level of self control I never knew I had and I don’t always manage to have it either. My 13 year old has not reached quite the same level of ‘teenage’ communication yet but it will come I am sure. My eldest, B, is 16 in a few weeks. I was in his way in the kitchen today. He had earphones in and he just snarled. Literally snarled at me. I’m not kidding. If looks could kill I’d be a gonner. Then off he stomped to his bedroom, Xbox on and the door firmly shut. The strange thing is that at other times he is clearly still a child. My baby. He will forget himself occasionally and “mummy” will slip out instead of “mum” or “oy!”. He’s generally not keen on any touchy feely stuff but if I am sad then he has no problem with giving me a hug. It’s the moments where it feels as though he really doesn’t like me that are the hardest. I guess that’s what we sign up for when we become parents. Doesn’t make it any easier when your time comes though.

My role seems different now. It’s to parent from a distance maybe. To gently guide but not dictate or control. To allow him space to find his own way and begin to develop his adult personality. To let him separate from me but continue to provide security and reassurance. He needs an environment where he can take some risks knowing that there is a safety net of his family to catch him if he needs it. Goodness it’s complex when you write it down. I know I am never going to get it right all the time but I’ll do my best and my best means doing it sober. B still remembers the rubbish I used to spout when I’d been drinking. He’s repeated it back to me on a couple of occasions. I’m so relieved that doesn’t happen any longer.

I’m not a perfect parent but I doubt anyone is. I lose my temper, try to control too much and sometimes withdraw. I love them both with all my heart and watching them grow into young adults is a bitter sweet experience. So proud of them and happy they are independent and confident, but at the same time wanting them to stay little and close to me. Yep, these teenage years are tricky to navigate but I am facing them head on. I am not wallowing in a fog of booze and drowning my sorrows. Instead, I am clear and awake. I am experiencing the good times and finding the positives, of which, my friends, there are many.

Claire x

ps. The title photo is B’s self portrait for a lockdown task set by his uncle. Pretty cool eh?

Loss

I wrote this post in response to a request for submissions on someone else’s blog. The idea was to write about what grief means for us as individuals. Unsurprisingly it wasn’t posted but as it was already written, I thought I’d publish it on my own blog anyway.

I haven’t really had to cope with grief over the loss of a loved one. I mean, I have lost my grandparents which was very sad and I have attended funerals and observed others’ grief. Raw and real. I haven’t been though it myself though and I am thankful for that. I know my time will come. 
Loss comes to us in many ways though. I have experienced it a few times and the grief process is not an easy one to manage. What can be particularly difficult is when you have chosen the situation that leads to the loss. Then it becomes your own doing and trickier to grieve. What can further complicate matters is when guilt and shame are added into the mix. I look back and it’s no wonder I struggle with my mental health some days. One day I’ll write about it. When I’m brave and ready. 
Today, though, I am contemplating loss of what once was and the loss of potential of what might have been. This can include many things really. Youth and growing older, young love, old love, children growing up and away, friendships ending, marriage changing, family, security, life with alcohol. Many things have come and gone and altered. I look back and there aren’t many people in my life now who were there 15 years ago and likely it will be a similar story in 15 years time. I am not a person that lets go very easily. I absolutely hate saying goodbye. You can imagine how difficult it was to get me to leave a party after I’d been drinking. Another tick for sobriety. Endings make me incredibly sad and I often try to avoid them. It’s important to acknowledge them though and to start the grief process. That’s the only way you can come out the other side. Even when it has really hurt to say goodbye and the pain has been almost unbearable, eventually I am able to reflect back and feel positive about most of the things I have lost, even if the losing was horrible. 
I do wonder sometimes whether is is better not to open ourselves up to further loss. Why continue, when you reach the tender age of 48 and older, to form new friendships and relationships that by the very law of nature will lead to loss? People leave. It’s a fact. Situations change. Another fact. I think I will always continue to look for that connection and friendship with others though, despite feeling the grief of my own personal circumstances right now. If I didn’t reach out to others then I would not have found the support I have received via this blogging community. New friendships are always possible and endings can lead to fresh starts and adventure. So I won’t fear the future because it might bring loss and grief. That would be a life half lived. I’ll be sure to remind myself of this as and when the sun sets on another goodbye.
Claire x

Reframing

After my last post, where I found myself in Limbo Land, I made a decision to try and enjoy today. We are back holidaying in the caravan and this time have come back to a place we have visited many times and love dearly, The New Forest. For those who don’t know, it’s on the south coast of England and is a beautiful area. Beaches, villages, gorgeous coastline and of course the forest itself. The weather is not forecast to be in our favour but today, other than one almighty downpour, it stayed dry and sunny. We cycled around 10 miles through the forest directly from the caravan site. Coming across wild pony after wild pony. Gorgeous brooks and purple heather stretching far and wide. It was gorgeous. Once back, we all sat out in the sun and I lay back in my luxury reclining chair (a treat to myself on our last trip) and I fell asleep. Completely zonked out. Likely I was snoring or dribbling, I was so out of it. I was fast sleep for an hour and woke up feeling totally refreshed and renewed. We ate dinner out (huge bonus), followed by us all doing our own thing for a while before watching a movie in the awning (tent attached to the van).

All in all it has been a better day than of late. At times, I still felt irritable and snappy. I also worried excessively that one of the boys will hurt themselves, or that we were cycling miles in the wrong direction. I just can’t seem to ‘chill’ or ‘go with the flow’. There were, however, other times when I cycled merrily along at my own speed and just enjoyed the moment. No real yearnings for alcohol today and not wishing for something different or better. A good day.

I have started to wonder if restarting the antidepressants might be a good idea. It’s been a couple of months since I stopped them and I am noticing the difference without them. I know they don’t solve underlying problems but I have lost that sense of peace and calm I had when I was taking them. The combines effect of antidepressants and sobriety seemed to reduce the negativity and endless worrying about everything and nothing. I’m not sure, still thinking, but it is worth considering.

I had another thought today, triggered by something Collette said in a comment on my last post. I am in limbo at the moment, feeling stuck and somewhat trapped. Collette suggested considering that it might be for a reason. There could be a purpose to not moving forward right now. After today, it dawned on me how little time I have left to be with my two boys doing what we have done. Cycling, having tea out, chilling in the sun and watching a movie in the awning. Maybe, just maybe, I am meant to be standing still. I have focused on the negatives of Limbo Land but there could be positives. This is an opportunity to focus on my children. To be available for them should they need it. I have been worrying about the future, when they have flown the nest, forgetting that they are still here now. This could be the time to truly build my ‘adult to adult’ relationships with them both. It is also the time to soak up the last few years of their childhood and form some everlasting memories. I am reframing ‘being stuck’. I’m changing it to ‘taking a pause’. There will be an appropriate time to make changes and move forward again. For now I will pause, tread water and be Mum for a while.

Claire x

Limbo

So strange this feeling of treading water. Just biding time until something happens but I have no idea what. It is really disconcerting and it’s triggering all sorts of stuff for me. Wanting to drink, feelings of dissatisfaction and boredom and the general overarching emotion of ‘meh’.

The thing that is really annoying me now is myself. I can’t tell you how frustrated I am that I’m not making the most out of all I have and that happiness is eluding me. I’m irritable and tetchy and quite frankly, a right royal pain in the arse. Nothing is right and nothing is good enough. In fact, ‘nothing’ is a great word to describe how I feel at the moment. Now I realise that sounds terrible and reading it back now makes me want to shake myself. I mean, what is wrong with me for goodness sake? I want to find the switch that turns it all back on again. Whatever ‘it’ is.

I have to be honest though. No point in not. I have lost enthusiasm for it all again. I can’t see a way forward and I’m in one huge mental block. I’m living life in limbo. I have absolutely no answers and all I’m doing is hanging on to the small ray of hope that it will change. I don’t know how to initiate that change but hopefully it will come. Ideas and solutions seem out of reach. One question that keeps going round and round my brain is ‘why can’t I just be grateful and appreciate all I have?’. That would make me happy. That would bring joy and contentment. Sadly, it doesn’t seem to happen like that. These things can’t be forced and actually that only serves to make the situation worse. I’m becoming increasingly despondent and fed up with Claire.

So on I go. Not drinking, trying to do my best to be a good mum and a kind person, feeling a little like a failure. Am I the only person that sticks rigidly to a diet and gains weight? Are the odds stacked against me in that too? We tell each other constantly to ‘take it a day at a time’ so that’s what I’ll do. Maybe an hour at a time would be even better? It’s just an hour can feel like an awfully long time here in limbo land.

Claire x

Resilience

I have been thinking today about sobriety and what it has given me. It can be difficult to hold onto the positives of giving up alcohol as it becomes the norm. In the initial months of becoming sober the fantastic changes I felt inside and huge improvements in my mental health were a daily occurrence and realisation. I spent every day thankful and grateful for all sorts of impacts it had on my life. Better sleep; waking up feeling well; less anxiety; increased self esteem; a feeling of peace; more hours in my day; respect from my teenage boys; less internal and external conflict; less guilt; resilience; more focus; improved memory; better self control; and so on and so on.

The list is endless and is all a direct result of removing alcohol from my life. Awareness of these changes and positives fades as they become part of the status quo. Surely I was always this resilient? I never had problems with self esteem and setting boundaries did I? Calm and peace is not new is it? Nope I wasn’t, yes I did and yes it is. Personally I think it’s really, really important, as we clock up the sober days, months and then eventually years, to remind ourselves about the reality of what life was like BS (before sobriety).

BS, I was fragile and vulnerable. I was teetering on the edge, in a constant state of ‘fight or flight’. The slightest issue, event or comment could send me over that edge, into conflict or despair. I had absolutely zero resilience. Zilch, nada, nil. Resilience is such an important thing to have in life. How we achieve it I don’t know. Where it comes from is still an enigma to me. Maybe different people build it in different ways. What I do know is, when you have the internal strength resilience gives you, life is much more doable and challenges are not insurmountable. Sure, you still feel low, fed up or downright miserable some days. At times people can offend, upset and infuriate you. Situations don’t always go your way. Resilience helps you move through all this without falling apart. Sobriety provides us with that resilience.

I notice now that my vulnerability has lessened, I’m less affected by what others think about me. I want them to like me, of course, but I know that stuff happens around me that I can’t control and people will form opinions that have no bearing on the truth or facts. This has come with sobriety and this brings more resilience. Life is pretty tough when you feel constantly fragile. Like at any moment you might break or shatter. I am the opposite of that now. I actually feel strength inside and out. The first step towards this change was saying ‘bye’ to booze. Practicing yoga and mindfulness have built on the foundations laid down by being alcohol free. I knew I wanted to try these and the advice from my sober tribe when I wrote my post ‘Musing over mindfulness, meditation and mereally gave me a push to give them a go. I am now addressing my diet and ensuring I am eating for positive physical and mental health. Continuing to build, brick by brick, my own personal wall of resilience.

Tomorrow it will have been 9 months since I put a glass of wine to my lips and every day of those 9 months has made me stronger, tougher and more resilient. That’s why I am sober and that’s why I will stay that way.

Love Claire x

Outrageous

Seals are not interested in the keto diet

It’s been a week of ups and downs, and not particularly in a fun way 😳. That’s an outrageous start to a post but I’m feeling a bit like that right now. Hell it’s my blog. I’ll be as outrageous as I like!

I began the keto diet a week ago. I’m following Dr Axe’s book mainly because he proposes lots of vegetables, vitamins and probiotic supplements to help the body adjust and to maintain a good overall balance. I’ve stuck to it fairly strictly and I have no idea if I’m doing it right and (WARNING!! F-bomb alert) who the fuck knows if I’m in ketosis or not? I don’t feel like I am because I am not feeling all kinds of shit. I was warned and almost put off that it would be terrible for a week or two, or even more. It really hasn’t been. After two days of sugar cravings that turned me into a monster no one ever wants to meet or even dream about, (seriously, never ever), I calmed down. My desperate need to live close by the fridge devouring anything that looks like chocolate has gone. I’ve had a couple of AF wines, making sure they are low in carbs, but not wanted more. Overall I haven’t felt very hungry. I’m not tired and in fact my energy levels have really upped their game in the past two days. My mood has improved considerably. Far, far less ‘woe is me’. The down side … I don’t think I’ve lost any weight. I haven’t weighed myself because I don’t want to feel all dejected and lose motivation. I am much less bloated than I was and it’s early days. I’m carrying on with yoga but not much else due to time constraints. I chose this diet due to research I’d read about improved mental health, positive impact on hormones and reduced inflammation in the joints and muscles. Weight was one additional factor. Only time will tell if it’s for me but less sugar surely has to be a good thing and at least there won’t be a chocolate shortage now.

Work has turned sour once again. The good old NHS eh? The pay offer and deal they finally proposed for my new role was frankly an insult and an embarrassment. I’ve said ‘no thanks’ and will wait to see the fall out. If they don’t take it seriously then I won’t continue to do it. Simple as that. I am disappointed but it hasn’t really affected me as much as I thought it would. I honestly believe, with this situation, the outcome will be the right one for me. What it has done is make me stop. I was working myself into the ground and after the ‘pay offer’ meeting I decided to hell with it. I would focus on my patients and families, support the speech and language team which is the role I AM paid for and leave the rest alone. I pretty much took this morning off, had a lovely chat to a friend over the phone, sorted out my son’s school uniform and bought a bright lime green bag in the sale. I think the NHS owed me some time and it felt bloody brilliant.

I have booked a sports massage, I’m thinking of going to visit my friend in London sometime soon and I’m planning on become the queen of keto baking this weekend. I have my almond and coconut flour and I’m raring to go. I did have to close my eyes and hold my breath when I pressed the button to buy it. Boy, it’s so expensive! The cookies better taste like the sweetest nectar is all I can say.

This weekend I will have been sober for 9 months. Riding that Soberista train with many of you. Though my life is full of ups and downs (steady on, you’re all at it now), I am dealing with them. I’m starting to believe that I can do this, I’m not alone and I’m worth good things. I know for sure that belief would never had happened if I was still drinking alcohol.

Love Claire x

What do I want to know today?

My mindfulness journal had this question as the prompt for writing. I wasn’t really sure how to respond or answer. What does any of us want to know at a particular moment or time? It might be something very specific or factual. It could be existential or philosophical. It might be nothing at all. Maybe you feel you know enough. It’s an odd question really.

I decided I would quite like to know what direction I should take. I want to know if I’m following the right path, heading on the correct journey. I feel like I’ve taken a turn somewhere, not necessarily a wrong one, but one that’s leading me somewhere different and away from my original route. I look back and I can’t really see the road I was on. It’s overgrown with trees and bushes. Should I spend time cutting them back and start searching for what was there, maybe to find it isn’t really the way I want to go? Or do I continue, down what looks like a footpath but I can’t be sure. I want to know where the signpost has gone. Where is the stile to help me over the tricky patch? There is just no clear map.

I really don’t mind how long the journey takes. I’m not in any rush to reach a destination. But what I’d really like to know today is, am I’m heading in the right direction?

Claire x