What comes first? Anxiety or depression? (second attempt!)

(I had to re- post as for some reason my previous attempt didn’t allow comments. I’m hoping this works!!)

I know from all my reading and research that they are closely related and one can trigger the other. I also know from my own personal experience that 8 weeks on (YES!! 8 WHOLE WEEKS! … sorry couldn’t help myself) my own depression has lifted and my anxiety, though not completely gone, is definitely reduced and manageable (mostly). I am a little fearful when I write that here because it feels like it’s tempting fate but hey ho, it’s the truth in the present moment and I’m trying to be more ‘present’. I don’t know if I can find out the answer but I wanted to process it because it’s important to me and my overall progress and self awareness.

Why is it important for me?

I’m not really sure. It’s definitely not that I want to find an excuse to drink again. I don’t think that’s the case anyway. It’s more that I have always had an internal struggle accepting my diagnosis of anxiety and depression. I was all “No way, not me. You got it wrong! I’m just tired, fed up, stressed, lonely …. anything but A & D. I’m not ‘that’ sort of person. I’m tough, I’m upbeat, I’m a ‘can do’ woman”. I was soooo angry and I flatly refused to accept it, although I did acknowledge it. I told people about it and I dealt with it. That’s what I do. Problem … sort it. I refused antidepressants; no way, no how. I had counselling and I was going to get better. 8 months later, 2 stone lighter and still engaged with toxic people and unhelpful situations. I was drinking more than I ever had before. There was no choice, I ‘gave in’ .. antidepressants it was.

Meds

I took them, I cried, I was off work for 3 days and I felt like a complete and utter failure. I set a target, 6 months and then no more. I didn’t drink for two weeks because that was sensible and advised. I still had counselling and I didn’t make any other changes. The alcohol consumption once again increased. My behaviours remained the same. My self esteem was nil but I ‘appeared’ to be improving. 6 months later (and actually spiralling into more dodgy, toxic friendships and relationships) I came off antidepressants and my counselling had finished.

That was a year ago. For the next 5 months I rapidly went downhill. My weight was better but I wasn’t sleeping and I was drinking fairly heavily. I was anxious and sliding into depression. I was disappearing and self medicating with wine and unhealthy interactions.

The past 6 months

In June I started different antidepressants. They suited me better. I went back to counselling and I began to examine what was going on. Sure I was only skimming the very surface but it was a shift. I still drank – A LOT! The meds worked but in truth I still wasn’t well. Counselling had stopped. I could go either way. It felt like balancing on a tightrope and any minute I’d fall into the abyss. (God I’m so dramatic 🙄)

Alcohol

On November 17th, after a few weeks of reading and stalking the sober blogs, I gave up alcohol. It changed everything. It opened up my life again and allowed me to ‘feel’. Bit by bit I have reduced my reliance on toxic relationships and I am learning to like myself once again. I always drank .. from 17 yrs old onwards. I have always been a ‘big’ drinker and alcohol has always been a big part of my life. Did it cause my A&D? Or did my mental health issues lead me to rely on alcohol more and then that made my recovery more difficult?

What now?

My concern is this. If I stop taking my antidepressants will I regress or was giving up alcohol the catalyst for improvement in my mental health and the meds are neither here nor there? What if I stop them, I feel awful and want to drink again .. and can’t stop myself? That scares the shit out of me. Don’t worry, I have no intention of coming off meds any time soon but how do I know they are helping? Their impact was minimal compared to the impact of becoming sober. How will I ever know when is the right time to take the risk? So many questions and I suspect there is no answer. I don’t want to take antidepressants indefinitely but the past two plus years have really been a challenge and I never want to go back there again.

If you have persevered to the end of this post then you deserve a bloody medal. I felt I needed to put down what has been churning around in my head for a while so I appreciate you sticking with it. If you skipped to the end, that’s fine too.
Hugs to all you lovely bloggers. My very own ‘sober tribe’ ❤️ 🤗

Love Claire xx
(8 weeks)

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Home alone

This whole time of year is so weird I think. It seems even more so approaching it sober. All the build up, the rushing about, the nights out, the present buying … it’s all felt a tad excessive this year.

Now the boys are getting older Christmas has changed yet again. I’m a little sick of change if the truth be told. What I’d give to just step back to one of those Christmas days when they were little. The excitement, the cuddles, the laughter. Ah sigh.

Who the bloody hell am I kidding? Talk about rose tinted eye wear. Going back would mean hung over as fuck (excuse bad language!), up half the night with one or both of the boys, desperate for a coffee whilst they tear open presents, trying to maintain some level of control over proceedings and failing, stress levels high, knowing I have to start the dinner but desperately wanting to go back to bed and then, the cherry on the top, drinking myself into a stupor to get through the day. Maybe change isn’t that bad really!?

Sadly I haven’t been well since I finished work on Monday. I kept going Christmas Eve and day but today I have had to submit. My husband and the boys have gone off to stay overnight with the in-laws and celebrate with them. I am, for the first time ever, totally alone on Boxing Day and night. This is not the xmas I had planned but I’m not going to think about ‘what if’ and ‘if only’. This is what has happened, I can’t control it, so I need to find a positive in it. My resilience is low but I will not allow it to spiral.

This is a strange post, slightly all over the place. Kind of how I’m feeling right now. Anyway …. Lemsip, bed and sleep. That’s the priority now: getting better and back in the game. 😁

Claire xxx

The girl did good!

Well, it once seemed such an impossibility and an insurmountable challenge but I’m delighted and proud to tell you, my blogging pals, that I have now not touched a drop of alcohol for exactly ONE MONTH (I felt capitals were apt here!). Like, a whole god damn month!!!!!! Who would have thought?? Certainly not me (or to be fair, anyone who knew me!). However, here I am, one month on, sober and still standing. It’s probably a good time to consider what’s happened in just one month:

1. I now sleep! I still wake in the night but don’t lie there for hours feeling shocking and reliving past events or worrying about future ones.

2. I no longer wake up in the early hours bargaining with myself not to drink later that day or this week or until Thursday .. only to then let myself down every single time!

3. I haven’t had a single hangover for an ENTIRE MONTH!!! I do still have headaches, which may be related to not enough water and too much caffeine, but compared to wasting days, feeling like shit, with no energy for anything, it’s small fry.

4. I enjoy mornings. I am actually a ‘morning person’ …. who knew? All these years I’ve said I’m a night owl and it was bollocks. Utter rubbish. I especially love Sunday mornings. Quiet and peaceful, just me, myself and I, before everyone else stirs. Bliss.

5. I am calm. My mind is not frantic. I’m still emotional and I’ll cry at the drop of a hat, but it’s good emotions. Positive.

6. My anxiety and depression has finally lifted. I’m still taking my anti depressants as I was before but that great black cloud that sat above me and the feelings of panic that washed over me have all but disappeared. I still feel down at times and I still worry about stuff but it doesn’t take hold like it did. I can manage it. The more I deal with it, the less it happens.

7. I am less of a people pleaser and my self esteem has returned …. at long last. I am starting, slowly, to identify those that are important in my life, who truly care for and love me. The opposite is true, I am beginning to recognise the people that took advantage, who always put their needs first and never truly bothered about my feelings. I am saying goodbye to some of those people and I am learning to step back from others who have the capacity to hurt me.

8. I am engaging with my family. I have made far more effort with my mum and have started to rebuild our relationship, which was gradually falling apart. My two boys finally have their mum back and are so proud that I don’t drink alcohol. I do wish they wouldn’t share my sobriety with everyone we know but I guess if they want to shout it from the rooftops then who am I to stop them?

9. I have realised, through the love and support of a very dear friend, that I am a kind person, a good mum, a decent human being and, though I make mistakes, I am worth people loving and caring for me. I deserve it!

10. I am sober and I intend to remain that way. I don’t feel as though I have given anything up. Instead, I feel I’ve given myself a chance at enjoying life again.

So, I have listed just 10 of many, many positives that removing alcohol from my life has given me. What an amazing Christmas gift I gave myself when I decided to start this journey. Lastly, I want to thank all of you on here for reading my posts up until now, for liking them and commenting. I would not be here if it wasn’t for my ‘sober pals’ and I’m so grateful to you all.

Now for my next month ….

Love, hugs and thanks

Claire xxx

Same and different

Today is Saturday 14th December. It is finally time to get the Christmas decorations out and put the tree up. I feel like I’m behind on everything this year but I’m not sure why! We are doing the tree thing this morning as a change to the usual tradition of early evening with alcohol to help us. It’ll be different but I’m slowly learning different is ok.

Tonight is the 4th Christmas ‘do’ and I have to be honest I’m fed up with it now. Added to that, my brother’s 50th birthday celebrations are continuing and there’s a family get together tomorrow and then a whole day of celebrating (party, drinks out etc etc) next Saturday. It’s wearing thin and I know that sounds miserable of me and I hate being negative about it all but … aghhhhhhhh!! It’s bloody hard going.

Last night I got home at 12.30am, shattered after working all day, going to a work Christmas party and sitting in horrendous traffic just to get home. I didn’t really enjoy it. I woke this morning (hangover free) and panicked that maybe I’d never really enjoy those sorts of functions again. Then I thought about last years. Same place, pretty much the same people and exactly the same format, with the addition of alcohol for me. Do you know what? Yep, exactly that, it was a bit rubbish. Don’t get me wrong, the people I’m there with are all lovely and I thoroughly enjoy talking to and socialising with them. I just didn’t like the venue (either year), the food was crap and the music even worse. Alcohol didn’t change anything about the evening. Maybe it went quicker when I as drinking but that was about it.

So am I different now? Has my personality altered? Will I become someone that avoids certain social situations. Am I boring??? Fundamentally I’m still me. In fact, the other day I was telling someone about my first counselling session after being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was asked what I wanted to get from counselling and I replied, “I just want ‘Claire’ back”. I think that’s happened. Through counselling, finding like minded people, giving up alcohol and finally meeting what I can only describe as ‘my soul mate’, I am finally myself again warts and all. There are differences though. I’m not going to enjoy certain social events in the same way but actually I know I’ll enjoy and truly appreciate different occasions. I might not be the ‘party girl’ I once was, but I am becoming a better listener, less self centred and I hope a better friend. I feel my ‘social circle’ might diminish somewhat but I am building a network of people who are caring, compassionate, non judgemental and understanding.

So for every difference and change, there is a positive and a bonus. For each situation that maybe isn’t quite as much ‘fun’ as it used to be there are 5 more to enjoy! Plus, I am still me. I’m the same person with some differences. I’m getting to know myself again and for the first time in a very long time, I actually like what I find.

Claire xxx

The Alcohol Police

Why does everyone who drinks alcohol now feel the need to tell me in detail how much they themselves drink? It feels like every time I’m out and someone asks why I have stopped drinking booze, they give me a run down of their own alcohol consumption diary. Or worse, if there are a few people in the conversation, we have to discuss how little they all actually drink for bloody ages!! People suddenly go into defensive mode and start explaining that they only drink at weekends, they can easily stop at one, they only do the excess at Christmas .. blah blah blah di blah!

I kind of expected this a little and don’t get me wrong, people have generally been uber supportive, I just don’t want to have to reassure everyone else that they are ok to carry on drinking just because I have given up. Not all the time anyway. The thing that really pisses me off is the conversation always leads to how much and how often I was drinking. It’s like people are desperate to be able to say to themselves ‘Well I’m not a patch on Claire’s level of drinking so I don’t need to give up …”. Honestly, if anyone asks me again if I drank every day (and was I not able stop at just a couple) to then tell me their drinking was no where near as excessive as mine, there will be no more Mr nice guy!

I don’t care about other people’s drinking habits! Unless you have given up and are in need of support and understanding of course, then I’m happy to listen and talk about it. Otherwise, fill your boots and enjoy it. I’m not the alcohol police and please don’t set me up as the ‘bar’ or the worst example. Ironically, last night this discussion happened at the same time as every person, without fail, drank at least a bottle of wine to themselves whilst giving me a full and detailed description of how little they actually drink! Bizarre really,

Let’s hope that, as with many other things on this journey, it too passes with time.

I’ve made it to 4 weeks today .. I’m not the alcohol police but I am sober!!! 😁

Love Claire xx

Highs and lows

I’m starting to see a pattern emerge. Sunday evening, starting around 5pm UK time I dip. I have felt great all day. Really content and unshakeable. Then come 5pm (always on a Sunday) my mood changes. It’s not about going to work tomorrow or the weekend nearly ending, at least I don’t think it is. Small stuff , that I’m generally more able to let go of now I’m sober, starts to niggle. We had plans to put the tree up tonight but I’ve postponed it. I just can’t get into the spirit. I feel edgy and a friends post on FB has majorly pissed me off. I bloody hate FB a lot of the time but it was my own fault for even looking at it. Why why why???

I am now in the middle of cooking Sunday dinner and I’ve had to come upstairs to write this blog. I needed to stop the spiral downwards. I felt like I wanted a glass of wine but I’m NOT doing that to myself. I start my 4th week sober today and I won’t let some mean spirited people who I once considered friends ruin it for me. I hate injustice but I have to just let people believe what they choose I guess.

Ironically, I commented on Lovie Price’s blog earlier and was probably a little pompous but she is right – this is hard. This is bloody tough. For me it isn’t just the not drinking. It’s that I’m having to now dig deeper for tools to help pull myself up and out when these feelings of hurt and sadness strike. Hopefully in time and with practice I’ll add tools to my toolbox. For now, I’ll use the best tool I’ve found so far .. reaching out to all of you. Just putting it down here is good. The knot in my chest is lifting a little. I had a cry 😢 and now I’m ready to finish dinner, before it ends up inedible and in the bin!!!

Onwards and upwards (or perhaps just sideways this evening!)

Claire xx

That Friday Feeling

Monday night earlier this week I was battling with myself. Now I’m at the end of the week and I feel so different again. I’m not totally ‘up’ like I was in the second week but I feel good. Still calm, content and most importantly like I won’t drink.

I watched all the Christmas revellers tonight as I walked from work to the train station through the middle of town. People excited to be heading to pubs and restaurants. Folk just chatting and drinking at the open air bars in the Christmas market. It was busy and buzzing. I did feel a little like I was missing out on something and maybe that is understandable this early on in my journey. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t standing with my nose pressed up against the window staring at a glass of red wine. I just felt a bit ‘on the outside’.

But, and here’s the rub, it didn’t make me feel anxious, sad or lonely. My usual FOMO reaction didn’t kick in. I quite enjoyed the Christmassy atmosphere and was glad to see so many people out having fun. My night was home, AF G&T and a Chinese takeout. I’m ok with that. All small steps, all adding up to help me climb to the place where I want to be.

I’m changing my life one day at a time with challenges and mini break-throughs each day. I’m doing it with the help of some truly lovely people on here and I’m so thankful I found you. 😁

Happy Weekend Sober buds

Claire xx

Naivety and tantrums

I don’t know why I thought I’d be any different. As if I had some magical ability to just stop drinking alcohol after years of completely overdoing it, loving it and arranging my life around it and bam 💥 I’d be this sober, happy, new improved me, no looking back.

How flipping naive and stupid! Patting myself on the back, congratulating myself for changing my life after a measly 14 days!! Last night and even more so tonight I’ve fallen off the cloud and landed with a thud. I’m so angry and frustrated. I’ve tried everything, a bath, reading, an AF beer but I’m still thoroughly pissed off. Why? Because I WANT TO DRINK A GLASS OF WINE! I know I sound pathetic. I feel pretty pathetic to be fair. I don’t even want to particularly drink a glass now, right this minute. I do however want that option.

I’m mad at myself for even thinking like this. You can probably tell I’m even falling out with myself. I’m sat upstairs in my bedroom refusing to sit downstairs with the family because I’m in such a crap mood. Yesterday morning I was floating on cloud nine, why can’t I feel like that again today?

I wasn’t going to blog because I don’t like myself when I feel like this. It’s negative and self pitying and annoying. I have however encouraged others to blog when they are struggling so I had to put my money where my mouth is so to speak. I’d like to say I feel better but at the moment I don’t. I have a horrible headache and now you all know I can be a right misery guts. 🤦‍♀️

I think I best just go to bed, try to sleep and hopefully I’ll be more upbeat tomorrow.

Sorry for such a bleugh post 😕 I haven’t had a drink so I guess that’s one positive.

Claire xx

Moderation.

I’ve been thinking a lot about moderation recently. Prior to my giving up alcohol I read up and researched (as I’m sure many of you have) and I noticed many references to moderation and ‘moderate’ drinkers. I most certainly am not a moderate drinker and after years of attempting to ‘cut back’ using a variety of methods it has become clear that total abstinence is my only option.

The interesting thing I’ve discovered is this … my inability to moderate does not only apply to alcohol. In fact, I am pretty excessive and extreme in many aspects of my life. I was totally ‘on it’ when my boys were young. Completely organised, lists on lists, dealing with it all, spinning all the plates etc. Then they reached 13 and 10 yrs two years ago and they didn’t need me (or so it felt at the time). Instead of being able to be moderate in my attention and involvement in their lives, which is what they needed, I disengaged completely. All or nothing, that’s me! I can’t seem to find a midway point.

I’ve been the same with many relationships. Completely giving my all, totally excessive and inevitably getting very hurt at some point. I often have to rely on the other person to moderate, if they don’t just get fed up and bugger off first. Luckily my husband stuck with me through it and after 20 years I’m not quite so excessive with him anymore 😂

So, it’s probably not a surprise that the only way I can manage my relationship with alcohol is to give it up completely. I can’t be a moderate drinker. Maybe though, just maybe, I can learn to be moderate in other aspects of my life. I think being sober might help me achieve that.