Today I have a day off work .. I get one every two weeks. For the past year (or more) my day off has started with me not being able to get up. My boys go to school and husband goes to work, I have loads to do, but I lie in bed, feeling exhausted, upset, down and sometimes anxious. I lie there in self pity until I fall asleep. I have often cancelled my gym class and slept until lunch finally forcing myself up to try and get stuff done.
Today I am awake. I have been awake since 7.30am and I don’t feel upset, anxious or exhausted. I’m going to make myself my second cup of tea and make a plan for my day. Thoughts come into my head, I want to message people I shouldn’t (I’ll share that issue another day) but I feel calm about it and know I won’t. I know I’m going to be productive. It’s a relief. I have been on antidepressants for over a year (with a 5 mth break) and not once have I felt this sense I’d calm.
I am thinking a lot about this weekend. My brother has organised a weekend away for 6 couples in a cottage. His 50th is in December and this is part of the celebrations. I purposefully didn’t think about what I would do regarding alcohol because I wanted to get my journey started and that would’ve stopped me. Now I have to decide and I’ve decided I’m not going to drink. It’s so scary and I have no idea how I’m going to manage but I’m not ready to give up on this feeling of waking up calm, refreshed and (dare I say it?) content.
So, on day 5, I am not going to drink this weekend.