I know it’s been far too long since I have written a post for my blog. I know how it feels when people you communicate with regularly on WP suddenly ‘disappear’. I know how much support and comfort my blogging tribe have given me over the past 20 months. I know all this and yet I have found it really hard to put pen to paper, or finger to keypad, and the more time that passes, the harder it becomes.
I am continuing to read posts and comment. I want to connect with and support my lovely friends on here and I really enjoy catching up with them. I find others’ posts stimulate lots of thoughts and changes for me. I just appear to have a mental block when it comes to writing my own ideas down. I guess a fair bit of my working life involves writing. Patient reports, letters, emails, documents, business cases. It can take the love out of writing. It’s a shame because I do find it extremely therapeutic and I honestly believe that without my blog I would not have achieved and maintained sobriety.
Yep, I am still AF! 20 months today actually. It’s still absolutely the right choice for me but that’s not to say I don’t continue to battle with the drinking demon voices. They come out to play and taunt me from time to time. I find that a lovely tasty AF drink takes the edge off the psychological craving. Some bars and restaurants are developing their range of mocktails and AF drinks which makes a huge difference. Sadly others seem to be stuck in the ‘becks blue’ and soft drink only days. I avoid those places like the plague. I still, as I always have, take it one day at a time and I never say it’s forever. It’s for today.
My depression (and sometimes anxiety) still like to visit me on occasion. Good of them both to hang around and keep a close eye on me! I have had a few ongoing health issues over the past couple of years … both with my mental and physical health. Nothing sinister and all manageable but enough to start me thinking I might be coming apart at the seams a little. Recent media coverage of the peri-menopause and menopause led to me contacting my GP about these various ailments. Rather than calling me a complete hypochondriac and sending me on my way, she listened and agreed that, at 49 years old, it was likely my hormones were running riot, having a little ‘reverse puberty’ party and causing me to feel, well, a bit crap. I’m going to try HRT. See how it goes and then potentially come off my antidepressants. It’s all so very exciting being a woman approaching 50. Some days I can’t believe my luck.
It’s now 1.20am on Sunday morning and I probably should try to sleep. The weather over here in the UK is lovely but very hot. We aren’t really used to it and what with my hot flushes, aching limbs and pins and needles … high temperatures mean catching zeds is not very achievable. It’s Sunday though so a siesta is definitely on the agenda later. Enough rambling. I’m sure everyone is hoping I’ll take another long sabbatical from writing after getting to the end of this post!! 😄
I spotted this yesterday on my walk to clear my head of muddled thoughts, feelings and emotions. I really liked the sentiment and it resonated with me. I’m still ‘at odds’ with myself but coping. I’ll try to keep taking that single step forward. 🙂
Sunday morning, two weeks on from my start of this sobriety journey and I’m up early, thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet whilst everyone else is sleeping. I woke at 7am. Instead of pulling the covers over my head, attempting to blot out what I’d said or done the night before and wishing I was in someone else’s head and life, I simply got up. Now, I know that’s probably what many other people do on a day to day basis and it may not seem like much of an achievement but for me its a huge step. My mornings (particularly at the weekend when I don’t have work) have generally been spent laying in bed, feeling bloody awful about pretty much everything. The overthinking I do laying there can go on for hours, as I will myself to go back to sleep and shut the whole thing down. My husband has constantly cajoled me to try and get up, promising me I’d feel better once I did. I just couldn’t. I was opting out, living in my own mind and, although I never really understood what being ‘present’ actually meant, I now know I was the exact opposite.
It was rare that I wouldn’t have drunk a bottle (plus) of wine the night before, but on the odd occasion I had managed only a few, I still felt just as awful. So, it couldn’t be the alcohol right? It must be something else. There must be something wrong with me or my life. Well surprise surprise, it was the alcohol!!! Who knew? (a fair few people it turns out). I realise that giving it up isn’t going to solve everything and that 2 weeks is just the very tip of the challenges I am going to have to face. I also know I have certain aspects of my life and myself that need a bit of work and some TLC. At least now I can start to do that work with a clear mind and a calm approach. The racing brain has put on the breaks for now and I have a wonderful feeling of peace.
My husband and I went out yesterday evening with good friends of ours. We had a few drinks (peroni libera for me!) whilst our two boys stayed home with their two and played on their variety of consoles. We then all had food and more drinks at their house. I had a lovely evening AF. As we walked home later my 15 year old turned and asked me, “Mum, did you not drink any alcohol tonight?” (I have been honest and told him I have given it up). I replied, “No, I had my non alcohol drinks”. He said, “That’s really cool” and put his arm round me. Enough said I think.
So here I am, 2 hours already under my belt and its only 9am. I can hear the house stirring so I’ll shock the hell out of them all and cook a lovely breakfast. I can’t tell you how good it feels to be in this position.
Thanks all of you for following, commenting and supporting. You have given me Sundays again.