I spotted this yesterday on my walk to clear my head of muddled thoughts, feelings and emotions. I really liked the sentiment and it resonated with me. I’m still ‘at odds’ with myself but coping. I’ll try to keep taking that single step forward. 🙂
Sunday morning, two weeks on from my start of this sobriety journey and I’m up early, thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet whilst everyone else is sleeping. I woke at 7am. Instead of pulling the covers over my head, attempting to blot out what I’d said or done the night before and wishing I was in someone else’s head and life, I simply got up. Now, I know that’s probably what many other people do on a day to day basis and it may not seem like much of an achievement but for me its a huge step. My mornings (particularly at the weekend when I don’t have work) have generally been spent laying in bed, feeling bloody awful about pretty much everything. The overthinking I do laying there can go on for hours, as I will myself to go back to sleep and shut the whole thing down. My husband has constantly cajoled me to try and get up, promising me I’d feel better once I did. I just couldn’t. I was opting out, living in my own mind and, although I never really understood what being ‘present’ actually meant, I now know I was the exact opposite.
It was rare that I wouldn’t have drunk a bottle (plus) of wine the night before, but on the odd occasion I had managed only a few, I still felt just as awful. So, it couldn’t be the alcohol right? It must be something else. There must be something wrong with me or my life. Well surprise surprise, it was the alcohol!!! Who knew? (a fair few people it turns out). I realise that giving it up isn’t going to solve everything and that 2 weeks is just the very tip of the challenges I am going to have to face. I also know I have certain aspects of my life and myself that need a bit of work and some TLC. At least now I can start to do that work with a clear mind and a calm approach. The racing brain has put on the breaks for now and I have a wonderful feeling of peace.
My husband and I went out yesterday evening with good friends of ours. We had a few drinks (peroni libera for me!) whilst our two boys stayed home with their two and played on their variety of consoles. We then all had food and more drinks at their house. I had a lovely evening AF. As we walked home later my 15 year old turned and asked me, “Mum, did you not drink any alcohol tonight?” (I have been honest and told him I have given it up). I replied, “No, I had my non alcohol drinks”. He said, “That’s really cool” and put his arm round me. Enough said I think.
So here I am, 2 hours already under my belt and its only 9am. I can hear the house stirring so I’ll shock the hell out of them all and cook a lovely breakfast. I can’t tell you how good it feels to be in this position.
Thanks all of you for following, commenting and supporting. You have given me Sundays again.