Overwhelmed and overwrought

Too much to say. I can’t get it down in any sense or order. Overwhelmed, worried, anxious and just struggling.

I want a drink more than ever tonight. I know you’ll all want to send me messages of positivity etc, you really don’t have to. I’m just so bloody fed up and I want to do something I used to really enjoy and found comforting. I also know this is not what many of you new into your sobriety need or want to hear from someone nearly a year down the line but I can’t lie.

This is so (F BOMB alert 💣) fucking hard sometimes. Not all the time, not even most of the time … just right now. I don’t have any thing else to say. I can’t be bothered to even go through possible reasons for it. It’s not fair!!!!! Why can’t I simply have a drink and enjoy it without so much other baggage attached to it? That’s pathetic and selfish I know. But this week I’m fighting demons again.

Love Claire

47 thoughts on “Overwhelmed and overwrought”

  1. Hi Claire, I’m not sober but today when I woke up I checked my Gmail, JS hadn’t posted but I was thinking that you must be near your one year mark. You give hope to us still on day zero so nothing else to say except hugs x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks to you Ange, that’s so lovely. I know I’ll get past this but this past week and particularly today I have felt like I keep getting knocked down by tidal waves and I’m beginning to gasp for air as I struggle to stand now. I am one year sober next week and I’m need to pay some attention to that. It’s making me really reflect and focus on drinking. I’ve never told myself ‘forever’ … it would never have worked if I had, but as a year approaches, it is dawning in me that this is forever for me. It has to be. That really scares me. Thanks for the hugs 🤗 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Claire – no real advice here either as you know I’ve only managed a handful of days booze free (and appreciate your encouragement SO much!) but I am sorry you’re struggling. I think part of the whole letting go of any substance battle is trying to rearrange our lives in a way that they are peaceful and manageable and we don’t NEED that escape so much. Much easier said than done. The world feels especially heavy right now (but a little less so since Biden won, HAHA ….) just keep looking for the good parts I suppose. I don’t think it’s at all selfish to wish you could just enjoy a little bit. It really ISN’T fair we were born with these addictive tendencies, but life isn’t fucking fair, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. For sure Biden’s win gave me a real lift! I was so chuffed. The year mark approaching seems to have thrown me into a bit of a spin and yes I am pissed off that I am an addictive type and one drink would not be just one! Bah humbug xx

      Like

  3. Life can seriously be shit sometimes. Sort of like a whole herd of guinea pigs saved up a year’s worth of poop to dump it on you all at the same time. But you dig yourself out from under the poop, and there are cute little faces there waiting for you. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah that’s so true Ashley. I sat with them today and just had cuddles and strokes. Sometimes they look at me as if they get it! It will pass I know but it’s been a shitty couple of weeks and my bed and duvet are becoming a really tempting way to spend the weekend. ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You know a drink isn’t going to solve anything or make life better. I do understand wanting that feeling of something comforting though. My favorite comfort drink this time of year is a cup of hot chocolate covered with marshmallows. The first year is the hardest and it sounds like you’ve already got that behind you. There’s no devil in hell that would be able to take that away.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s weird really. I feel I am struggling more in this time approaching a year sober than I have in a fairly long time. It’s triggered some cravings and desire around drinking again. Maybe that’s a common thing to happen. It’s just taken me a bit by surprise. I’ve abandoned any healthy eating plans for now. I’m in survival mode! Thanks for the supportive comment x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re intuitive. It is the time of year! I can recall trying to watch TV newly sober and seeing champagne commercials continually! The drink is extremely romanticized during the holiday’s but think it all the way through my darling. All the way to the next morning. What do you see?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I see foggy brain, anxiety and guilt. Feeling terrible physically and emotionally. You are right. I think this is about having to now accept its forever. Up until now I’ve never put that on it. It’s always been ‘today’, ‘a week’, a month, the 100 days. If I hit a year then the next target is forever! It’s really thrown me. In addition to lockdown, challenges with work and home life … the desire to lose myself has returned but I have tools now! Time to fish them out.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. You’re amazing and inspiring. It takes guts to quit drink and stick to it (that and insane will power), it also takes guts to be so open and honest. I’m really sorry you’re struggling, I’m not going to impart any quotes or wisdom (bc let’s face it you know it) but I am sending a big virtual hug. Get on that bike tomorrow and pedal like ET going home xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Oh Claire, we must be telepathically connected. I was kind of crying/in despair so I posted an instagram lament on my account, then came here hoping you or someone familiar had written a post because its been so long and I miss you and felt so lonely. I thought about drinking too. But then I thought: that won’t fix anything. And now I’m here writing this to you and sending you a big gigantic hug and telling you : yes it’s so f****g hard, and no you are not selfish or pathetic at all, you are a normal human, and YOU GOT THIS. Your light will shine through if you just give yourself some patience and gentleness and the demons will dissolve away, as they always do. And you will emerge as strong as ever ❤ xxx Anne

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Wow Anne … isn’t it weird how you just feel you need to be on here and you aren’t sure why … but then it’s clear that it’s because so many of us need to keep that contact and hear from our little tribe. Sorry to read that you are feeling lonely. It’s so tough at the moment and I think I am feeling lonely too. Even with a family around me, loneliness still happens. Patience is the word. We both need it. Send me an email if you want to chat. I’m heading to bed now and hoping to do some self care stuff tomorrow and just have down time. Sending humongous hugs to you too. You’ll be ok. I honestly believe that. So glad we got to connect today ❤️❤️❤️ xxx

      Like

  7. Oh God I really do feel for you …. have a cup of tea and sleep it away. You should be so darn proud … sooooooo darn proud! And if you’re not, then I’m proud of you and I don’t even know you! Katie x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh thanks so much for your comment Katie. I have done exactly that … cup of decaf tea, tucked up in bed and ready for some sleep. Thanks for being proud of me. I’m a bit tearful reading your comment. So kind x

      Liked by 1 person

  8. aww claire..you are almost always so positive and wonderful on here, at times i am jealous! But you have so much support. We all know that alcoholism is a process, and it’s not the same for every body. You know , and anyone who reads my stuff, that even after 15 months i started wavering and have been up and down since. I have zero rights to give advice to anyone on this issue. You are in good company and keep that in mind.Those perfect tee totalers i simply cannot relate to. I just thank the heavens for the progress i HAVE made and say my mantras about guilt not being productive …big ole hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Positivity is eluding me at the moment! The negative lens is difficult to shake off but I will keep going. Slow, baby steps. Decide what I can manage today and leave the rest for another time. Thanks Lovie ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Hey, Claire. Have missed you lately. Sorry to hear you’re struggling. My advice is to be kind to yourself. Let go of torturous thoughts like, first milestone is a year, the next one is forever… I don’t think that ever set anyone up for success! Who wants to think about forever doing or not doing something. You got here by taking it one day at a time, and those days added to months and now you’re almost at a year! You’re building a beautiful foundation, brick by brick, that will someday be a house of love and light. Some days ARE hard and shitty…especially this terrible year…but how much better is it for you this time this year than last? Finally, try to think about what it is you are missing in a drink and find another way to bring that to your life…connection? relaxation? a little escape? It can probably be arranged, and in a way that is much healthier for your life and wellbeing. Love you friend. Hope you’re feeling better this new day. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Collette. I have lost my way a little. I feel there is so much going on and instead of dealing with it, I’m just drowning in it. I am so relieved I have woken up this morning hangover free and that whatever I am feeling, it is not caused by drinking. It also won’t be resolved by drinking. Today I will take things slowly and try to refocus. Gratitude, writing on here, yoga and some quiet reading time. I’ve lost the peace and need to find it again. I hope you are doing ok Collette ❤️❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Big hugs, Claire. I’m glad you made it through and sound like you’re doing a little better this morning. It is so hard sometimes! I’m so proud for you. Great job. And I’m glad you decided to post about it.🤗🤗🤗😘

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hug
    Life will throw shit at us wether we are sober on not. Sober we can clean it up and figure it out. Not sober we drink to ignore the smell.

    Keep taking the next right action. Sending you love and hugs.

    Stillness and peace
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a really good way to look at it Anne. Shitty days will still happen, drinking on top of it just increases the shit and keeps it piling up with no way of getting rid. I’ll stick with my day by day and keep going xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I just popped on tonight and saw this. It inspired me to write a tiny song, so pretend I’m singing this as your favorite artist and handsome as all hell too🤣 ==> I don’t really know what to say, but I want you to know I think you’re doing great – and you’re not alone, no you’re not alone. Our lights can dim, with doubts coming in, but know – you’re not alone, you’re not alone, no you’re not alone. Reach deep, keep the faith – lean on us, and look forward to brighter days. Cause you’re not, you’re not alone, no you’re not alone our wonderful beautiful, Claire ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dwight you really are so lovely! It was such a boosts to read a comment from you and with a lovely song from you too. I have missed you here on WP but I know that it can be good for the soul to take a break. I like the idea of inspiring you, like a muse 😂😂
      Thanks for the kind words. I am so grateful to read them this or morning ❤️❤️

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s