Second time around

I feel I have started to get some confidence and security with my alcohol free life. I’m still attending meetings and absolutely loving it. I’m enjoying tapping into the spiritual side of things and understanding it more than my previous sobriety journey.

I’ve been away in the Philippines working for 10 days and it’s taken me a while to adjust to life on UK time and recover from the long journey both ways. It was an absolutely brilliant experience and I am so very grateful to have had the opportunity to go out there. And doing it sober was the icing on the cake.

I’m taking things slowly this time around. Small steps on my sobriety journey. I’m trying to dig into my behaviours and patterns. I can now see them more clearly without the fog of booze in my system 24/7. I’m praying to my ‘universe’ to help me let go of things I can’t control, and there is so much I’ve held onto so tightly; it is no wonder I am a knotted ball of anxiety.

I see now that stopping drinking alcohol is absolutely essential but it is only the first step. It is the foundation and without doing that I couldn’t move forward. However, I think my error last time was believing it was the complete answer. I didn’t change anything else, I just stopped the wine. There is so much more to do and learn and so much to be grateful for and enjoy. Just for today …

Love Claire x

Calm

Photo from recent holiday with family

Day 8 today. I have completed a week without drinking alcohol and I am really proud of myself. I feel like something is shifting for me again this time round and I’m hopeful.

I went to attend an AA meeting last night with my cousin. I was super nervous but when we arrived, there was a lady sat outside. She said it had been cancelled and there was no one else there. All a bit strange. It’s clearly a very very quiet meeting anyway and I suspect one that is not going to work for me. I will find another though. I need to at least give it a chance to help and support me.

We went for a coffee instead. We shared stories and talked openly. I felt very content with life when I arrived home afterwards. Yesterday was a good day. Today has been more challenging. A work meeting first thing was very tough with having to give difficult feedback. The other person responded by accusing me of things via an ‘anonymous’ other. Things I absolutely know I have not done and would never do. The accusations were hurtful but so off the wall from how I would ever act or behave, I knew she was lying. I faltered a little but then remained calm, refocused and challenged her. She started to backtrack. She is fairly high up in our Trust and her lies could be very dangerous for me so I have followed up with an email this evening. I’m not looking forward to her reply but I’m also not going to allow someone to ruin my professional reputation through a form of gaslighting.

I craved for a drink on the way home from work. I know it was about how I’d been made to feel that morning. I had listened to some of AA’s booklet ‘Living Sober’ on my way to work and I kept thinking “Claire, don’t have that one drink. Just don’t stop anywhere for it. Get on the train, go home, eat and get in the bath. Go the rest of this day without alcohol and choose again tomorrow”.

It worked 😁 , for today anyway. I’m grateful for that and I value the advice I’d heard/read in the booklet. I’m now home and actually I’m bone tired. It’s only 8.30pm but I’m truly ready for bed tonight. I remember how important it was to go to bed early in the first weeks of sobriety. To sleep when I could and needed to. I recall that dealing with difficult emotions and feelings, without then reaching for alcohol at some point, is actually exhausting in those initial stages. I do however feel calm and that, my friends, is worth it’s weight in wine.

Love Claire x

Saturday morning

Just a random photo of a lake in our local park

Struggled a little yesterday evening and found myself in ‘persuasion mode’. We really are very clever at feeding ourselves bullshit to have the excuse and permission to drink! I didn’t, thankfully, and this morning I am so grateful for that. It has also reminded me of how powerful my thoughts can be when it comes to my addiction to alcohol and how fabulous it feels each time I ignore them and resist. It was good to have that reminder.

So, today I have a few plans but luckily no social engagements. I have a yoga class at 11am and then I’m planning my youngest boy’s 16th birthday. I’m hoping to start some meditation practice again today.

I am very tired even though I am constantly sleeping. I also have a continual headache. It’s unpleasant but not wholly unwelcome. In an odd way I find it reassuring because it counteracts my thoughts that ‘I’m not THAT bad, I don’t really drink THAT much …’ . If four days without alcohol makes me feel this exhausted and poorly then it’s very clear to me; I really was THAT bad and I really do drink THAT much!

Reflections this morning are:

• I definitely have an alcohol addiction
• I absolutely am doing the right thing in choosing sobriety
• I am on the right track and each day will confirm that just a little more
• Today I will not drink

Love Claire x

Orienteering

Photo by Nick Seagrave on Unsplash

I’m still concerned that I’m not taking this as seriously as I did the last time but maybe that’s because this time I have a map and I know the route. Although everyone’s journey to achieve and maintain sobriety is very individual, I found there were definite road signs and sights we all reached at some point in the journey. Common themes that appeared in blogs which helped build connections and reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness. That was the most difficult emotion I dealt with in the first few days. I felt totally alone and like an outcast because I wanted to stop drinking. For good. That was so tough.

A few days in I found this site and started to slowly interact on blogs about going sober. I built a supportive community around myself and that community was the single most important factor to my getting through the first 30 days. It was one of the main reasons I remained sober for almost 2 1/2 years but in those first few weeks it was crucial to me keeping going.

This time I don’t feel isolated or lonely because I’m so aware of the thousands of other people who make the difficult and brave decision to live alcohol free. So maybe that’s why I’m doubting my ability and seriousness to do this again. Maybe feeling connected with likeminded people with a similar approach before I picked up the journey again just means I’m less anxious and stressed about being the ‘only one’ with no one else understanding.

I hope so anyway because I really do want to continue making my map from where I left off!

Love Claire x

Tuesday July 11th

Quick check in as I start my day. I am nervous and excited (and also slightly sick with the cumulative effects of drinking poison for a while).

Today is 11/7/23 and I’m really hoping it becomes my memorable soberversary date. For now it’s about one day at a time, or one hour if that’s what it takes. I want this so much and I’m scared I can’t do it. Small steps.

Claire x

Just me

This is me

Three years and 7 months on from my first day one, including the last 15 months drinking again …

My name is Claire (Imogen) and I am … um, erm, … uh, … maybe an alcoholic, maybe not, very much addicted to alcohol (no shame here, news flash, it’s addictive) … errr .. I use it for a variety of emotions, I find it incredibly difficult to live without .. that includes ‘thinking’ about it even if I’m not doing it …

So what am I? Do I name it ? If it helps, yes! However for me it isn’t an illness or a disease, it’s not something I was born with and … run away now if you want to feel this has been cast upon you … it isn’t an affliction …

It’s my story, it’s my character and alcohol is part of my journey. PART of it, not all of it. It absolutely has defined me at times and it absolutely will not define the next 1 to 40 years I have left to live ( if I’m lucky)

It played its part and it did the job. It also very nearly destroyed me. A toxic cocktail of anxiety, depression, paranoia plus booze (for me – wine) ….. boom.

I can make no promises here. I have no answers for you. I’m drinking again but I have a date set to stop. 11th July. Don’t ask why. There are methods to my madness as you’ll come to see ..

I may succeed and I may fail. If this is a trigger for you in your own path to sobriety then please do not read on. This is for my own purpose and not to advise others. I have no advice. I am like a newborn that was here before but can’t bloody recall anything!

Yep, this is me, Imogen, and I’m ready to own my own story.

Love Claire x

Stumble and fall

Okay, so here I am, laying it on the line.

I have had alcohol. I’m not happy about it and it’s taken me a while to get brave and own up on here. I drank on two separate occasions since Jan 1st. One was a lot! The other two glasses. Let me start by saying I’m not proud of it, I don’t suddenly believe I can moderate booze and I absolutely don’t want this to cause a wobble for anyone else newly sober!

However, I am not dwelling on it. I did not allow either time lead me spiralling downward into more and more drinking. I meditated a lot and journaled about how awful it made me feel physically and mentally and how quickly it takes over. One glass and all good intentions are a thing of the past.

This is definitely harder than the first time round. I don’t know why but it is. I’ll have to ponder that some more over the coming weeks. I am, however, going to deliver to you my first piece of ‘unsolicited’ advice and I apologise if you don’t like it, but, here it is anyway.

If you have been sober for a relatively long period of time and you hit that threshold of ‘I wouldn’t be addicted now. I never even think about it anymore. I’d have a totally different relationship with alcohol if I had a drink’ ….. Call yourself out on it. It’s bullshit! Total bull crap. Stinking thinking at its very worst.

You will be addicted again. It’s an addictive substance and if it happened once, it will happen again, and again. You will start thinking about it, a lot and then ALL the bloody time. You absolutely do have a different relationship with alcohol now you are sober. Nurture and cherish it because that relationship will be lost if you decide to try ‘just one glass’ again. I grieved when I first gave up booze. It felt like I’d lost something really important. That grief has nothing on the loss I struggle with now for my sober self!

So, yes I’m still struggling to find the path and I’m unhappy with the turnings I have taken but I’m hacking down the branches and bushes to find the right way again. I’ve slipped and grazed my knee, but no bones were broken and I’m still here. But my friends, heed my warning and learn from my mistake … it’s much harder on this side of the fence, trying to return, then it ever was getting over to sunshine sober (thanks Catherine Gray) land the first time! And that is saying something!

Love Claire x

Hearing Voices

I’m approaching two weeks sober and up until last night it has actually been fairly straightforward. I knew what to expect. The first few days and nights would be pretty rough, and they were! Then sleep improves considerably and things are good …… and then the psychological cravings begin.

Last night the ‘voice’ started. My WHINE WITCH!

“It’s Friday, just have a red wine to chill out’

“How much harm can having one or two on a Friday night do?”

“Come on Claire, you have had such a stressful week at work, you deserve a drink”

The usual stuff. I’m sure anyone reading this with a strong tie to alcohol, who has tried to stop drinking, will recognise it. It’s even happened today. I have had a lovely day to be honest. I’m dog sitting again and I’ve walked him, been to yoga, had brunch with my yoga buddies and then walked pup again, whilst waiting for my youngest to have his squash lesson. We ventured into a cafe for 15 mins and I sat with my latte, feeling content with the world. A couple sat next to me, with their baby in a high chair. The waitress brought them a pint of larger and a glass of white wine. OMG! The Whine Witch went crazy!!

“Ooh that looks lovely. You should get a bottle on your way home and have a glass”

“You’ll never be able to sit and enjoy that experience again if you give up. You’ll miss out!”

Blah blah blah! Same old rubbish from the WW. But man, it can be so tough to ignore her. Buzzing around my brain. Tempting, taunting, teasing. She’s loud at the moment. I know the more I ignore her, the quieter she becomes over time. I do know that, but right now she’s drowning out the positives. I’m not sure there’s any way of shutting her up but I wish there was!

The power of the mind is pretty phenomenal. I have hard evidence through lived experience that drinking alcohol makes me ill, impacts on both my physical and mental well-being and costs me emotionally and financially. I know for a FACT, I can’t moderate. Yet, I still start to believe the WW when she blatantly lies to me. Maybe I want her to be speaking the truth so badly, I’m willing to override my own judgement.

Anyway, all I can do it white knuckle it right now. Keep telling her that’s she’s talking bulls**t and ride out this next few weeks, knowing it does and will get easier.

Love Claire x

Take a Selfish (SELF CARE!) Day

My new home ‘office’

What a lovely day today. A little bit of a ‘selfish’ day but I know from past experience, a little bit of selfish actually benefits other people in my life as well as myself.

I woke up early after yet another rubbish sleep, with weird and vivid dreams and lots of waking up thinking I’m hungover. So strange and actually such a delightful realisation that I can’t be!

I lay in bed and dozed off, because I had a day off work today and because I could. Eventually, after a few naps, a cup of tea and some social media surfing, I dragged my bottom out out of bed, tidied around and roused my teenage boys. How on earth they will cope with school wake up time tomorrow I don’t know!

Then I went for a facial!! Omg it was lovely. A whole hour of pampering, including a head & shoulder massage and a hand & arm massage. Total bliss.

The rest of the day has been simply chilled. Decluttering a room to finish off my new little office. Day 2 of yoga which was slow, serene and totally mindful. Watching some tv and now I’m about to read in the bath.

It’s amazing how good it feels to begin to look after myself again. I’m grateful for Day 3 of my sober journey.

Love Claire x

Day 2 and glad to be back

My very wacky yoga mat!

Really quick post today, and don’t panic, I don’t intend to blog everyday! I am in bed and ready for sleep. Last night was terrible sleeping wise. I went to bed early due to alcohol still cruising around my body and brain from the night before. Ugh! Gross 🤢 I woke up every two hours and finally dragged my sorry arse out of bed about 11am! That’s what a toxin does to your body I guess … makes it work extra hard to try to break it down and get rid of it!

I started Adriene’s 30 day yoga today. I want to get back to practicing daily yoga. It’s a great habit and one I’ve let slip over the past 6 months. Ad alcohol increased, my yoga sessions decreased. Funny that!

Anyone that has started a sober journey will know that it can take a little time for your body to get rid of the physical side effects of alcohol. A good 10 to 14 days and I should feel more human and I’m looking forward to the sleep fairy to visit me again. Yep, those 3am wake ups returned with a vengeance! The raging thirst and anxiety and self flagellation. Why? Why! WHY?!

Crazy to think I could ever moderate alcohol. I was so secure in sobriety, I took it for granted, Lesson learned. What has been overwhelming lovely is all the encouragement I’ve had already and rekindling friendships that I also took for granted, along with my sobriety. So thanks. I am glad to be back.

Love Claire x