addiction, alcohol free, loss, mental health, no booze, sobriety

Stumble and fall

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Okay, so here I am, laying it on the line.

I have had alcohol. I’m not happy about it and it’s taken me a while to get brave and own up on here. I drank on two separate occasions since Jan 1st. One was a lot! The other two glasses. Let me start by saying I’m not proud of it, I don’t suddenly believe I can moderate booze and I absolutely don’t want this to cause a wobble for anyone else newly sober!

However, I am not dwelling on it. I did not allow either time lead me spiralling downward into more and more drinking. I meditated a lot and journaled about how awful it made me feel physically and mentally and how quickly it takes over. One glass and all good intentions are a thing of the past.

This is definitely harder than the first time round. I don’t know why but it is. I’ll have to ponder that some more over the coming weeks. I am, however, going to deliver to you my first piece of ‘unsolicited’ advice and I apologise if you don’t like it, but, here it is anyway.

If you have been sober for a relatively long period of time and you hit that threshold of ‘I wouldn’t be addicted now. I never even think about it anymore. I’d have a totally different relationship with alcohol if I had a drink’ ….. Call yourself out on it. It’s bullshit! Total bull crap. Stinking thinking at its very worst.

You will be addicted again. It’s an addictive substance and if it happened once, it will happen again, and again. You will start thinking about it, a lot and then ALL the bloody time. You absolutely do have a different relationship with alcohol now you are sober. Nurture and cherish it because that relationship will be lost if you decide to try ‘just one glass’ again. I grieved when I first gave up booze. It felt like I’d lost something really important. That grief has nothing on the loss I struggle with now for my sober self!

So, yes I’m still struggling to find the path and I’m unhappy with the turnings I have taken but I’m hacking down the branches and bushes to find the right way again. I’ve slipped and grazed my knee, but no bones were broken and I’m still here. But my friends, heed my warning and learn from my mistake … it’s much harder on this side of the fence, trying to return, then it ever was getting over to sunshine sober (thanks Catherine Gray) land the first time! And that is saying something!

Love Claire x

25 thoughts on “Stumble and fall”

  2. Hey you! I came on here a few hours ago and didn’t see your post. That’s exactly right, you didn’t let it spiral into days or weeks. You thought about it, journaled. That itself is something to be proud of!! I swear I got knocked down so many times and In the end I was drinking and I wasn’t even craving it. It was the dopamine in my brain depleted and it wanted more. It’s so hard but finally something clicked for me, I so see it for you again as well! Not drinking everyday has so helped my peri-menopause symptoms. I was pouring gasoline on a fire I swear! So thinking of you and we all know just how damn hard this is. Big hugs! ❤️❤️❤️

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    1. Thanks you. Yep it’s tough but I’m moving forward. Sometimes I take a couple of steps forward and then one back … but overall it’s the right direction! It’s important not to dwell, catastrophise and throw the towel in whilst also knowing it still needs to change. Yep .. it really affects me nowadays too .. dries out my skin, zaps my energy and makes me feel so rubbish. Why are we so tempted by this stuff??!! 🤣🤔💕❤️💕

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      1. You said it perfectly!! Alcohol is such a bitch! 🤣 For me when I was daily drinking it had gotten to pure habitual. Let’s have a drink after work, which lead to 4. Yay it’s the weekend was next. It’s so hard to redirect your brain. I’m the one that conditioned it to daily drinking and told myself I had to now redirect it to not want alcohol. It’s so freaking hard and frustrating!! You are totally in the right direction!! ❤️✔️ 😘

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      2. Thank you lovely. I want to keep posting because, good or bad times, it’s important to be open and transparent. I feel if I don’t tell others I will head off in the wrong direction and never get back to the path. Xx

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      3. I totally agree and we can all so relate! My blogs don’t get much attention these days but if I can even inspire one person I’ll keep blogging. 😃 You all were there for me and it was a significant factor in where I am today! 🙌🏻

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  3. Hi Claire, I know you’re having a rough time and I’m sorry to hear about that but I just wanted to let you know that this post is very helpful as a reminder for the rest of us. I do sometimes have the thought that maybe I could just drink again as a normal person and this is a great reminder. I really appreciate your unsolicited advice so thank you for your courage to post about this even though you’re feeling so terrible. Also just a reminder for you that you WILL get there! It’s clear from your posts how much you want to be your sober self again and this strong desire and perseverance is what is going to get you there. All of this is part of your journey to the place you need and want to be so be kind to yourself. And finally, alcohol is the devil. As much as some people are able to just have a drink or two, some of us are not. For me it’s like crack cocaine and I always need to remember that. Hang in there and keep on keepin’ on! xo

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    1. It is absolutely the devil for me. I’m not and will never be a one or two glass every now and again drinker. There are many, many who are the same as us and it’s ok. It’s an addictive substance and causes addiction. That’s a fact. Thanks for the support and I’m glad the post may help people just think before they take that leap. Xx

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  4. Hi Claire,
    We’re all here for you. Nobody is casting the first stone. You know my story – 7 years sober and then had a drink during the pandemic after I lost my job and 4 months later I’m hiding vodka about the house. It’s a damn tricky thing to stay sober, but as you know, it’s so worth it. Be kind to yaself. We’re just humans after all. Thinking of ya. X

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    1. Thanks BB. I do think about your story and it reminds me I’m not the only one who struggles with this. I think when we begin to hide the amount we drink from others it’s a sure sign we have a problem with it!! We are human though and I’m ploughing on. X

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      1. Keep on ploughing Claire. We are all cheering you on. The worst thing I did when I started drinking again, was stopping blogging. I felt embarrassed and I disappeared, where my drinking took a turn for the worst. Please don’t stop posting Claire. No matter what happens. 👍🏻

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  5. Hi Claire, so glad you wrote. Honesty is everything, and it’s great to think out loud! One book I love because it explains humans’ brain chemistry as related to alcohol is “Alcohol Explained.” It really helped me understand WHY it doesn’t work to start drinking again after having been away from alcohol. For me, that chemical explanation is a very powerful tool in any arguments with my inner addict that thinks it would be okay to drink now. Also, have you heard of belle at tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com? That was the approach that helped me, finally. There’s paid coaching which costs a chunk, but there are also free daily emails and other free audios, etc. You might find her interesting! She’s all about adding more tools and supports if one relapses. One of her e-books has a list of like 60 of them 🙂 Take good care! Adrian

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    1. Thanks. Yes, Belle was my first step into sobriety back in 2019. I loved her stuff. It’s why I started this blog in the first place. I haven’t read the book though so I will look that up. Sober literature can be so helpful to keeping us on track I think. Hugs 🤗 to you x

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  6. Hi Claire ! As everyone here said: it’s wonderful you reacted the way you did without spiraling, and no one here will ever judge you ! Huge respect for moving forward like you did 🙂 🌸 and it’s great to see you back here ! Xxx Anne

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  8. Hi Claire: I’m sorry I didn’t see this earlier. I, too, stumbled. I was feeling so strong, then I took a trip home to see my family – long story – and it somehow seemed like the greatest idea. Out of the blue. I haven’t blogged about it yet because I was flattened by a terrible cold right afterward (finally feeling better today!). I hope you are doing ok. The hardest part, for me, is getting the resolve back to stop again. I’m definitely still struggling with the strong temptation. I’m thinking about getting some in-person support this time. Please feel free to text me directly if you want to talk. We are going through the same thing. Hugs!!!!!

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  9. hey, that “unsolicited advice” is probably the most honest thing anyone could post. I am right there with that and i know many of us who have been along the ride with you here have to admit the same. We all want that holy grail, sometimes more than once. I slipped badly then i relapsed. I’ve been AF again for a year in March. Doesnt mean i’m cured. Best advice is to never ever think we have it conquered completely.It’s a bit like a feral animal we are trying to domesticate. I live in a very precarious place WITH my demons. They haven’t moved out. I walk by them on the daily and hear them -growling, complaining, cooing at me and tempting me. At best, I ignore them.At worst, it’s hard to say. But i do it one day at a time. Stay as strong as you can manage. You are correct, it gets harder to find the way back if you get too far off the track. But it can be done. Never lose hope. xoxoxox

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    1. Sorry I didn’t reply to this Lovie. I went off radar (again!) but I’m back in the zone. I’m giving it another go. I think it’s all we can do. It’s part of the journey I guess and a reminder that we can never ever take our sobriety for granted, no matter how long it has been since our last drink! Hope you are ok x

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  10. Keep going Claire, and don’t worry about stumbling, remember it is a day at a time for a reason. The most important thing is to remember why you are doing this, to become a better version of you. Don’t lose hope, and keep a cool head!! James

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    1. Thanks James
      It’s day one for me today (again) and I’m really happy I’ve taken the first step. I just don’t want to fail and I don’t want to give myself options to fail. But I know that’s not the right way to approach this.

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