Second time around

I feel I have started to get some confidence and security with my alcohol free life. I’m still attending meetings and absolutely loving it. I’m enjoying tapping into the spiritual side of things and understanding it more than my previous sobriety journey.

I’ve been away in the Philippines working for 10 days and it’s taken me a while to adjust to life on UK time and recover from the long journey both ways. It was an absolutely brilliant experience and I am so very grateful to have had the opportunity to go out there. And doing it sober was the icing on the cake.

I’m taking things slowly this time around. Small steps on my sobriety journey. I’m trying to dig into my behaviours and patterns. I can now see them more clearly without the fog of booze in my system 24/7. I’m praying to my ‘universe’ to help me let go of things I can’t control, and there is so much I’ve held onto so tightly; it is no wonder I am a knotted ball of anxiety.

I see now that stopping drinking alcohol is absolutely essential but it is only the first step. It is the foundation and without doing that I couldn’t move forward. However, I think my error last time was believing it was the complete answer. I didn’t change anything else, I just stopped the wine. There is so much more to do and learn and so much to be grateful for and enjoy. Just for today …

Love Claire x

Socialising Sober

Photo by Yusuf Evli

Yesterday was my first ‘sober social’ occasion this time around. I was dreading it. I hosted about 22 people at our house as a farewell to my cousin and family who are heading home to North Carolina tomorrow. I am super close with my cousin and his wife; they are like my brother and sister. I have also always drank with them. We spend 3 to 4 weeks with them when we head out to visit and it includes drinking every day.

Initially I struggled. Everyone arrived at 3pm. It was busy and it was LOUD! No one had started drinking at that point so I can only assume my anxiety around getting through the whole day sober was causing me to be hyper aware. It didn’t take long before the wine and beers were flowing. I focused on preparing and cooking the food. I felt out of sorts and as though I was being quiet. I had AF fizz which was actually lovely. Eventually the food was eaten and people really began to chill out. I suddenly had to go upstairs to my bedroom and have 10 mins alone time. This was such hard work. Why was it such hard work?

The rest of the evening passed by uneventfully. I started to relax naturally and enjoy conversations and people’s company. I had one moment where I started to talk myself into having a drink. My cousin was curious as to why I’d even stopped drinking again. He made comments such as ‘you aren’t at the drinking in the morning stage’ . The Whine Witch leapt on these comments and went to town, persuading me he was right and what was I doing even thinking about total abstinence. It was so tempting to ‘just have one’.

I decided to wait for half an hour, join people in a room away from the kitchen and then see how I felt. 30 minutes later I made a cup of tea. Cravings gone and I was grateful I’d given myself that time. I may not have reached the stage sone people get to when they drink but I was definitely on route. I might not yet have boarded the plane and taken off, but I was bags packed, through security and passport control, sitting in the departure lounge. It’s progressive and a slippery slope and I have stopped drinking again because I don’t want to slide down further.

I felt great this morning (after yet another groggy start where I feel horrendously hungover but then realise I can’t be). I’ve had a productive day but still need naps to keep my energy levels up. I’ve tried to work out why I found part of yesterday so very challenging. I think maybe the sheer number of people arriving all at once freaked me out and usually I’d numb that very quickly with wine. So quickly in fact, that I never even noticed I felt that way.

There’s nothing else coming up in the diary that will be too challenging socially. A night out from work on Wednesday but many people don’t drink or will have one and one only. Some people are weird and can do that 😂

Each day that goes by makes me stronger and more resolute in my decision. Step by step and day by day … good lyrics for a song!! 😀

Love Claire x

Help

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

I met with my cousin today. He started attending AA meetings 4 mths ago. He’s a few years younger than me and further down the road that I have reached (yet) in terms of where an addiction to alcohol can lead us to; but not much further. It’s a progressive pathway and I could clearly see where I would be now if I hadn’t stopped in 2019 and where I’ll be if I don’t take my decision to stop again seriously.

It was so good to have an open and honest conversation with him and with no judgement and total understanding. I don’t really have anyone locally that I can see and talk with. Well, I don’t have anyone locally who truly ‘gets it’ period. Don’t get me wrong, I have support, kindness and compassion from people around me but I think that was my first ever ‘face to face’ conversation with someone who has always been in my life about the terrible impact alcohol can have and who has similar experiences as I have with it.

It has really helped. It’s clarified things for me a little more and we have agreed that we will stay in touch, reach out if we are struggling and also if we aren’t. I am still in two minds about AA. There is a lot that doesn’t quite ‘sit’ right with me. I can’t accept that alcoholism is a disease. However, I can accept that I’m an alcoholic, whatever that means. It doesn’t really change anything for me because I accepted I have a serious addiction to alcohol a few years ago and my recent relapse of 15 mths and failed attempts to give it up have proven that moderation is not the answer.

However, though there may be beliefs within and aspects of the AA program I don’t agree with, I do feel the group support and regular checking in with people local to me would be of benefit. I’m so scared to go though. My cousin said I could go with him but I don’t want to disrupt his flow and his journey if that makes sense. I know this time around I need something more, something extra in my tool box. I suppose I lose nothing by checking it out. But I’m afraid. I have a fear of it. Maybe that’s because I’m admitting there is truly a problem if I go. Maybe I’m understandably anxious about a new situation. Maybe I’m scared that attending will make clear what I already know in my heart but can’t yet accept. Maybe maybe maybe ….

Love Claire x

Saturday morning

Just a random photo of a lake in our local park

Struggled a little yesterday evening and found myself in ‘persuasion mode’. We really are very clever at feeding ourselves bullshit to have the excuse and permission to drink! I didn’t, thankfully, and this morning I am so grateful for that. It has also reminded me of how powerful my thoughts can be when it comes to my addiction to alcohol and how fabulous it feels each time I ignore them and resist. It was good to have that reminder.

So, today I have a few plans but luckily no social engagements. I have a yoga class at 11am and then I’m planning my youngest boy’s 16th birthday. I’m hoping to start some meditation practice again today.

I am very tired even though I am constantly sleeping. I also have a continual headache. It’s unpleasant but not wholly unwelcome. In an odd way I find it reassuring because it counteracts my thoughts that ‘I’m not THAT bad, I don’t really drink THAT much …’ . If four days without alcohol makes me feel this exhausted and poorly then it’s very clear to me; I really was THAT bad and I really do drink THAT much!

Reflections this morning are:

• I definitely have an alcohol addiction
• I absolutely am doing the right thing in choosing sobriety
• I am on the right track and each day will confirm that just a little more
• Today I will not drink

Love Claire x

Just me

This is me

Three years and 7 months on from my first day one, including the last 15 months drinking again …

My name is Claire (Imogen) and I am … um, erm, … uh, … maybe an alcoholic, maybe not, very much addicted to alcohol (no shame here, news flash, it’s addictive) … errr .. I use it for a variety of emotions, I find it incredibly difficult to live without .. that includes ‘thinking’ about it even if I’m not doing it …

So what am I? Do I name it ? If it helps, yes! However for me it isn’t an illness or a disease, it’s not something I was born with and … run away now if you want to feel this has been cast upon you … it isn’t an affliction …

It’s my story, it’s my character and alcohol is part of my journey. PART of it, not all of it. It absolutely has defined me at times and it absolutely will not define the next 1 to 40 years I have left to live ( if I’m lucky)

It played its part and it did the job. It also very nearly destroyed me. A toxic cocktail of anxiety, depression, paranoia plus booze (for me – wine) ….. boom.

I can make no promises here. I have no answers for you. I’m drinking again but I have a date set to stop. 11th July. Don’t ask why. There are methods to my madness as you’ll come to see ..

I may succeed and I may fail. If this is a trigger for you in your own path to sobriety then please do not read on. This is for my own purpose and not to advise others. I have no advice. I am like a newborn that was here before but can’t bloody recall anything!

Yep, this is me, Imogen, and I’m ready to own my own story.

Love Claire x

Stumble and fall

Okay, so here I am, laying it on the line.

I have had alcohol. I’m not happy about it and it’s taken me a while to get brave and own up on here. I drank on two separate occasions since Jan 1st. One was a lot! The other two glasses. Let me start by saying I’m not proud of it, I don’t suddenly believe I can moderate booze and I absolutely don’t want this to cause a wobble for anyone else newly sober!

However, I am not dwelling on it. I did not allow either time lead me spiralling downward into more and more drinking. I meditated a lot and journaled about how awful it made me feel physically and mentally and how quickly it takes over. One glass and all good intentions are a thing of the past.

This is definitely harder than the first time round. I don’t know why but it is. I’ll have to ponder that some more over the coming weeks. I am, however, going to deliver to you my first piece of ‘unsolicited’ advice and I apologise if you don’t like it, but, here it is anyway.

If you have been sober for a relatively long period of time and you hit that threshold of ‘I wouldn’t be addicted now. I never even think about it anymore. I’d have a totally different relationship with alcohol if I had a drink’ ….. Call yourself out on it. It’s bullshit! Total bull crap. Stinking thinking at its very worst.

You will be addicted again. It’s an addictive substance and if it happened once, it will happen again, and again. You will start thinking about it, a lot and then ALL the bloody time. You absolutely do have a different relationship with alcohol now you are sober. Nurture and cherish it because that relationship will be lost if you decide to try ‘just one glass’ again. I grieved when I first gave up booze. It felt like I’d lost something really important. That grief has nothing on the loss I struggle with now for my sober self!

So, yes I’m still struggling to find the path and I’m unhappy with the turnings I have taken but I’m hacking down the branches and bushes to find the right way again. I’ve slipped and grazed my knee, but no bones were broken and I’m still here. But my friends, heed my warning and learn from my mistake … it’s much harder on this side of the fence, trying to return, then it ever was getting over to sunshine sober (thanks Catherine Gray) land the first time! And that is saying something!

Love Claire x

Hearing Voices

I’m approaching two weeks sober and up until last night it has actually been fairly straightforward. I knew what to expect. The first few days and nights would be pretty rough, and they were! Then sleep improves considerably and things are good …… and then the psychological cravings begin.

Last night the ‘voice’ started. My WHINE WITCH!

“It’s Friday, just have a red wine to chill out’

“How much harm can having one or two on a Friday night do?”

“Come on Claire, you have had such a stressful week at work, you deserve a drink”

The usual stuff. I’m sure anyone reading this with a strong tie to alcohol, who has tried to stop drinking, will recognise it. It’s even happened today. I have had a lovely day to be honest. I’m dog sitting again and I’ve walked him, been to yoga, had brunch with my yoga buddies and then walked pup again, whilst waiting for my youngest to have his squash lesson. We ventured into a cafe for 15 mins and I sat with my latte, feeling content with the world. A couple sat next to me, with their baby in a high chair. The waitress brought them a pint of larger and a glass of white wine. OMG! The Whine Witch went crazy!!

“Ooh that looks lovely. You should get a bottle on your way home and have a glass”

“You’ll never be able to sit and enjoy that experience again if you give up. You’ll miss out!”

Blah blah blah! Same old rubbish from the WW. But man, it can be so tough to ignore her. Buzzing around my brain. Tempting, taunting, teasing. She’s loud at the moment. I know the more I ignore her, the quieter she becomes over time. I do know that, but right now she’s drowning out the positives. I’m not sure there’s any way of shutting her up but I wish there was!

The power of the mind is pretty phenomenal. I have hard evidence through lived experience that drinking alcohol makes me ill, impacts on both my physical and mental well-being and costs me emotionally and financially. I know for a FACT, I can’t moderate. Yet, I still start to believe the WW when she blatantly lies to me. Maybe I want her to be speaking the truth so badly, I’m willing to override my own judgement.

Anyway, all I can do it white knuckle it right now. Keep telling her that’s she’s talking bulls**t and ride out this next few weeks, knowing it does and will get easier.

Love Claire x

Gratitude

Approaching the end of day 6 and I’m feeling really solid at the moment. I’m tired and eating far more than I have in ages but I’m telling myself this is all part of the process. I’ve noticed my skin very slowly starting to feel softer to touch and not look so pale and wan. I know restarting my sober life was totally the right decision for me and I’m grateful I had this blog and my friends here to reach out to.

I haven’t managed to maintain my daily yoga and exercise but that’s also ok. I can only do so much in the early days of being newly sober. On Wednesday evening I cancelled a yoga class simply because I had a bad day. I felt really low and burst into tears when I walked in the door after work. I was exceptionally tired due to broken sleep every night for almost a week. This was initially due to too much alcohol in my system, and latterly due to abstaining from alcohol. Bloody alcohol!! I decided to take a bath, read and watch some good tv. I calmed down and I slept well and hey bingo, the next morning I felt just fine. I know a week ago that would have been a bottle of wine (or more) drank, possibly things said or done I shouldn’t have said or done, and a terrible sleep … again! Look at me, making better choices already. I am grateful for that.

I haven’t reached the fluffy pink cloud stage. I may never achieve it. But to be honest, this stage is fine. I already feel my mind is calmer and I am looking forward to a weekend of gym classes, yoga, coffee with friends and getting shit done.

I am under no illusion that there are going to be really challenging days and occasions. Right now, this is exactly where I want to be. Friday evening, chilling on my sofa, with a cup of tea and a blanket to keep me cosy. I’m truly very grateful for that.

Love Claire x

Take a Selfish (SELF CARE!) Day

My new home ‘office’

What a lovely day today. A little bit of a ‘selfish’ day but I know from past experience, a little bit of selfish actually benefits other people in my life as well as myself.

I woke up early after yet another rubbish sleep, with weird and vivid dreams and lots of waking up thinking I’m hungover. So strange and actually such a delightful realisation that I can’t be!

I lay in bed and dozed off, because I had a day off work today and because I could. Eventually, after a few naps, a cup of tea and some social media surfing, I dragged my bottom out out of bed, tidied around and roused my teenage boys. How on earth they will cope with school wake up time tomorrow I don’t know!

Then I went for a facial!! Omg it was lovely. A whole hour of pampering, including a head & shoulder massage and a hand & arm massage. Total bliss.

The rest of the day has been simply chilled. Decluttering a room to finish off my new little office. Day 2 of yoga which was slow, serene and totally mindful. Watching some tv and now I’m about to read in the bath.

It’s amazing how good it feels to begin to look after myself again. I’m grateful for Day 3 of my sober journey.

Love Claire x

Day 2 and glad to be back

My very wacky yoga mat!

Really quick post today, and don’t panic, I don’t intend to blog everyday! I am in bed and ready for sleep. Last night was terrible sleeping wise. I went to bed early due to alcohol still cruising around my body and brain from the night before. Ugh! Gross 🤢 I woke up every two hours and finally dragged my sorry arse out of bed about 11am! That’s what a toxin does to your body I guess … makes it work extra hard to try to break it down and get rid of it!

I started Adriene’s 30 day yoga today. I want to get back to practicing daily yoga. It’s a great habit and one I’ve let slip over the past 6 months. Ad alcohol increased, my yoga sessions decreased. Funny that!

Anyone that has started a sober journey will know that it can take a little time for your body to get rid of the physical side effects of alcohol. A good 10 to 14 days and I should feel more human and I’m looking forward to the sleep fairy to visit me again. Yep, those 3am wake ups returned with a vengeance! The raging thirst and anxiety and self flagellation. Why? Why! WHY?!

Crazy to think I could ever moderate alcohol. I was so secure in sobriety, I took it for granted, Lesson learned. What has been overwhelming lovely is all the encouragement I’ve had already and rekindling friendships that I also took for granted, along with my sobriety. So thanks. I am glad to be back.

Love Claire x