I woke up this morning and could immediately tell I am not in a great mood. I’m not anxious and it’s definitely not a black cloud of depression. I just feel a bit miserable. There is no reason why which makes me more cross about it. I’ve cancelled my gym class, I’m still lying in bed at almost 10am and I’m wallowing in self pity. I know all these things are unhelpful and the best thing to do is get up, shower and get on with my day. I know that is the case but still I can’t persuade myself to do it.
Today is my brothers big 50th birthday party. It starts this afternoon and then will continue on through the evening for all those that are hard core. That used to be me. I would be so excited about today. I’d have booked a hair appointment, painted my nails, planned my outfit. Lots of people to see and chat to, people I haven’t seen for years. Drinking alcohol, having fun, socialising, dancing and singing.
Now .. I just can’t be bothered. It’s not that I don’t want to go. I’m not dreading it. I know I won’t drink. I just don’t feel excited about it. That makes me kind of sad. It’s a huge part of the ‘old’ me that has gone missing. I know there are so many more positives to hold on to and life has been much much better without alcohol in it. I guess I miss the ‘high’ of the anticipation of a really good get together which used to come with drinking.
Maybe it will return as I get further down the sobriety path or maybe it just won’t bother me as much that the excitement has gone. Right now though I feel miserable and moody about it. Pathetic I know. I’ll allow myself 15 minutes of self misery and then shower, iron something to wear and paint my nails. Hopefully the party spirt might come knocking.