Today

Completely exhausted. That’s how I feel today. From the moment I woke up to this moment right now. 7.40pm UK time. There is no reason why it should be the case. I slept ok. I haven’t had to work much. I’ve actually spent most of the day doing very little. But still I feel worn out.

I’d go one step further and even say I feel jaded with life today. On the whole I think I’ve stayed pretty positive through lockdown. I’ve harnessed my introverted self and for the most part, I have found the time, without social pressure and commitment, enjoyable. Work has been extraordinarily busy but that has meant my downtime has been more precious. I’ve interacted with people who make me happy And I’ve chosen not to engage in situations that do the opposite. I realise I am luckier than most right now and I have been grateful everyday for the things I have.

Today I’m struggling to find the energy it takes to be positive. Today I am left wondering what if this is all my life will be. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with my life. I just don’t know if I can do this day in and day out for the next 6 or 12 months. Maybe even longer. Our trip out to the US to visit my cousin and family in North Carolina is off. Today we finally made the decision to cancel. I am gutted. My cousins wife is like the sister I never had. We are exceptionally close and the thought of seeing her each summer (either here or there) keeps me going on low days. I knew deep down when the lockdown and pandemic kicked off it was unlikely we’d be going in August. I just lived in denial and hoped it wouldn’t be the case. Sadly it is not going to happen. I see the summer stretching in front of me and find myself wondering how we will fill it.

The boys have now been at home constantly for almost 3 months. Ben is 15. It’s unnatural for him to not have any periods of separation from his parents. It’s a weird way for him to experience these teenage years. We all need a break from each other. None of us can find any space. I know I need some space. A half hour walk is lovely but you take for granted those few times when you are truly alone for a morning, an evening or a day. I know I did anyway. It probably doesn’t help that I often feel alone within my relationship with my husband. I can’t find the connection we once had. I think we have functioned really well through this period but there is still something missing. As time goes on, I become less and less confident it will be found.

I hope tomorrow I feel differently. Today has been tough. Today I can’t see a way though. I know there is one. A path will become clear and life will move forward. It always does. But today is just one of ‘those’ days.

Claire xx

45 thoughts on “Today”

  1. It’s natural to have days where you feel down. It’s not been a great 2020 and we have all had to adjust to different routines whilst temporarily saying goodbye to normal. I’m positive you’ll feel brighter tomorrow. It’s just a blip.

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    1. I’m sure you are right. Thanks for the lovely comment and the support. I wasn’t going to post but just writing it down helps sometimes. Better than stewing on it. X

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  2. Man do I know how you feel. So, I also know there is nothing to say here, except that I am sending you the biggest hug in the world ❤ And the gentlest reminder to just hang in there: SOD today. Today sucked, and that's 100% ok. It's ok to feel bad. There is nothing you need to do, except be super super gentle to yourself ❤ Lots and lots of love xxx

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    1. Oh Anne, you said everything I needed to hear and more. It’s even brought a tear to my eyes. Today did suck, other than one lovely hour when I had the chance to chat to someone really lovely. Otherwise it was crappy. I am tucked up in bed with a cup of tea. In the words of Scarlet O’Hara … tomorrow is another day. I think she said that anyway 😂😂❤️💕❤️

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      1. ❤ yes ❤ you deserve to rest ! I felt like you yesterday, and today I felt much better: tomorrow definitely IS another day 🙂 Also if you're bored you can listen to this 10 minute guided meditation for self-soothing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xl_B45DpMLU or tomorrow morning, this 5 minute one to "start the day on the right foot" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9b2y3Mg2n8 🙂 OR NONE OF THAT lol ❤ Because it is a simple FACT that soon, you will feel better ❤ Until then: rest and gentleness ! xxxx Anne

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  3. Funnily enough Claire I had a pretty shitty day too. One of those crossed wired days you get with a good friend where you think you’ve fallen out but cant remember how it started. Anyway fingers crossed it’s resolved itself and life suddenly looks brighter. I say this just to emphasise that whatever caused the feelings today might well be different tomorrow. Sure many of the things you cant change will still be the same and losing that trip must really suck. But I’m hoping that you too might look at the world a little differently tomorrow. I hope so and am sending you a big hug X

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      1. Oops … finger slipped and sent!
        Thanks. I am feeling a little better. Sleep is tricky at the moment which never helps does it? I hope you resolve the crosses wires situation with your friend.
        Claire x

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  4. Awe, I sure hope you feel better in the morning. ( And enjoyed that tea. ) I so remember a day when I first started my 30 day sobriety challenge that I reached out to you, in my bed with a cup of tea. I’m sending much love to you and hoping for a better day tomorrow for you!!! ❤️

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  5. Sending virtual chocolate, a bottomless cup of tea, a fluffy cuddly bunny with an annoying button that when pushed the sound of laughter lasts for 5 seconds.
    Cuddle that bunny and push the button as often as you like. xxx

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  6. Hi Claire: I think it is now already well into tomorrow where you are, and I am hoping that it is a better day. The confinement is really getting to everyone. I’m so sorry you had to cancel your yearly trip. That is a real loss, and it seems natural to feel really sad about it. Especially if you aren’t feeling very connected to your husband right now. I have this problem, too, sometimes. I hope today is a much better day, but if it isn’t, it is likely tomorrow will be. We will all get through it! I’m so glad you posted. Many hugs and much love! ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Leafy. It is tough going isn’t it? Hard to know where it is all going to lead and sometimes I can’t keep upbeat. Yes, the not feeling connected can be a lonely place. Especially when stuck at home full time. Sending hugs and love back to you xx❤️❤️

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      1. The husband connection comes and goes for me too. The man is tough to read! I think we have a tendency to beat ourselves up for days that just suck (Sod today! As Anne said!) when we’d be better served just accepting the crappy feelings and knowing they will pass. They are clouds, we are the sky, constantly blue and clear underneath!

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  7. Hoping you are rested and feeling better. Some days (weeks, months?) are like that. You just need to take care of yourself and do what feels good and right for you. Sending hugs and strength! 💕

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      1. Yes! I just posted about it…
        We had to cancel our trip to Florida, to Disneyworld that we were supposed to take at the end of this month. It does feel sad. I’m with you. Planned trips give us something to look forward to. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m hoping that today – the tomorrow of the post is a better day for you Claire. For what it’s worth I’ve noticed a lot of people are struggling more now than they were at first with lockdown – being cooped up altogether, cancelling holidays, nothing to look forward to, missing people and the weather’s bad now too! So much uncertainty. Be as kind as you can to yourself and a big virtual hug for you 💞💞💞xxx

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    1. That’s ok. It can be hard to keep up with all the posts and blogs. Things improved and I had a lovely conversation with a friend earlier in the week which helped cheer me up. Today has been a bit crappy with work challenges. Keep going with that yoga 🧘‍♂️
      X

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  9. So very sorry about needing to cancel your trip. Especially when it’s to see someone as important to you as your cousin’s wife is. We are living through some very hard times….. triggering all sorts of emotions and anxiety for me. Just trying to “watch” it all and let it all roll by. Even the self-judgements. Like storms moving through. Hope the end of the week is feeling better for you, Claire. Hugs and 😘

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    1. Thanks Elizabeth. Yeah, my cousin’s wife is a very calming influence for me. She ‘soothes’ me if that makes any sense. The week has been ok. Today not so good with work stresses. I am experiencing lots of self doubt and self criticism which I haven’t had in a long time. All part of life’s tapestry I suppose. Hope you are ok too. Xx 😘

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      1. I’m ok….thank you Claire. Soothing makes total sense. Hopefully we can learn to self soothe but even so, it’ll never take the place of those special people in our lives. Love you, sister. ❤

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