Second time around

I feel I have started to get some confidence and security with my alcohol free life. I’m still attending meetings and absolutely loving it. I’m enjoying tapping into the spiritual side of things and understanding it more than my previous sobriety journey.

I’ve been away in the Philippines working for 10 days and it’s taken me a while to adjust to life on UK time and recover from the long journey both ways. It was an absolutely brilliant experience and I am so very grateful to have had the opportunity to go out there. And doing it sober was the icing on the cake.

I’m taking things slowly this time around. Small steps on my sobriety journey. I’m trying to dig into my behaviours and patterns. I can now see them more clearly without the fog of booze in my system 24/7. I’m praying to my ‘universe’ to help me let go of things I can’t control, and there is so much I’ve held onto so tightly; it is no wonder I am a knotted ball of anxiety.

I see now that stopping drinking alcohol is absolutely essential but it is only the first step. It is the foundation and without doing that I couldn’t move forward. However, I think my error last time was believing it was the complete answer. I didn’t change anything else, I just stopped the wine. There is so much more to do and learn and so much to be grateful for and enjoy. Just for today …

Love Claire x

Hello again

I popped on here and read a recent post by Dwight at http://fadedjeansliving . He was recommending not waiting to ‘figure it all out’. Taking things in bite size portions and just dipping our toes, or even the tips of our toe nails, in the water before we leap. I liked this a lot. So, I decided to just write a quick post to maybe reconnect a little.

I’m doing well. I have a little more traction with my sobriety; 40 days sober today. After many failed attempts since I relapsed after 28 months of sobriety, I sought help in the form of AA. I’m not going to discuss all that is AA here. It isn’t relevant. It’s helping me and right now that’s all that matters.

It’s good to be sober again. To not be in constant battle with my thoughts and to not fill every waking moment with broken promises, regrets and anxiety. It’s a dark hole to go down and I’m working really really hard to pull myself up and out again.

This is me, dipping my toe nail into the water, and seeing if I like the ripples it makes.

Love Claire x

Mistake

I’m going to start by being totally honest because this blog is partly for me to journal what’s going on and there is nothing to gain by pretending to myself and others that things are going swimmingly.

On Wednesday evening I had a drink. A few glasses of wine at the work ‘do’ after our ‘away day’. I’d given three presentations, had planned the day and was really happy with how it all went. Sat around long tables with 17 others, the wine was poured and I drank. I don’t know why. I didn’t even really enjoy the actual drink itself. But I did it and yesterday I felt terrible. I was disappointed with myself; jaded, tired and feeling generally crappy. It was also my son’s 16th birthday which made me even more cross that I’d allowed it to happen,

Anyway, I made a decision not to dwell on the mistake or head down a slippery slope. I forced myself to stop the self pity, though I felt like a big cloud hung over me all day. Birthday celebrations were fun and S enjoyed himself. Best of all, I did not drink.

This morning I woke at 7.30am. I had a day off work and I felt great. Completely different to yesterday. The black cloud lifted. My mood shifted up a gear and I even went for a 3 mile run after I took my friends dog for a 2 mile walk. I know made a mistake and I’m not happy I did, but I don’t want it to throw me off course. It was not the right thing to do, but it’s done now and I didn’t get anything positive from the actual drinking, other than a deeper sense of conviction that sobriety is the way forward for me.

Love Claire x

Socialising Sober

Photo by Yusuf Evli

Yesterday was my first ‘sober social’ occasion this time around. I was dreading it. I hosted about 22 people at our house as a farewell to my cousin and family who are heading home to North Carolina tomorrow. I am super close with my cousin and his wife; they are like my brother and sister. I have also always drank with them. We spend 3 to 4 weeks with them when we head out to visit and it includes drinking every day.

Initially I struggled. Everyone arrived at 3pm. It was busy and it was LOUD! No one had started drinking at that point so I can only assume my anxiety around getting through the whole day sober was causing me to be hyper aware. It didn’t take long before the wine and beers were flowing. I focused on preparing and cooking the food. I felt out of sorts and as though I was being quiet. I had AF fizz which was actually lovely. Eventually the food was eaten and people really began to chill out. I suddenly had to go upstairs to my bedroom and have 10 mins alone time. This was such hard work. Why was it such hard work?

The rest of the evening passed by uneventfully. I started to relax naturally and enjoy conversations and people’s company. I had one moment where I started to talk myself into having a drink. My cousin was curious as to why I’d even stopped drinking again. He made comments such as ‘you aren’t at the drinking in the morning stage’ . The Whine Witch leapt on these comments and went to town, persuading me he was right and what was I doing even thinking about total abstinence. It was so tempting to ‘just have one’.

I decided to wait for half an hour, join people in a room away from the kitchen and then see how I felt. 30 minutes later I made a cup of tea. Cravings gone and I was grateful I’d given myself that time. I may not have reached the stage sone people get to when they drink but I was definitely on route. I might not yet have boarded the plane and taken off, but I was bags packed, through security and passport control, sitting in the departure lounge. It’s progressive and a slippery slope and I have stopped drinking again because I don’t want to slide down further.

I felt great this morning (after yet another groggy start where I feel horrendously hungover but then realise I can’t be). I’ve had a productive day but still need naps to keep my energy levels up. I’ve tried to work out why I found part of yesterday so very challenging. I think maybe the sheer number of people arriving all at once freaked me out and usually I’d numb that very quickly with wine. So quickly in fact, that I never even noticed I felt that way.

There’s nothing else coming up in the diary that will be too challenging socially. A night out from work on Wednesday but many people don’t drink or will have one and one only. Some people are weird and can do that 😂

Each day that goes by makes me stronger and more resolute in my decision. Step by step and day by day … good lyrics for a song!! 😀

Love Claire x

Calm

Photo from recent holiday with family

Day 8 today. I have completed a week without drinking alcohol and I am really proud of myself. I feel like something is shifting for me again this time round and I’m hopeful.

I went to attend an AA meeting last night with my cousin. I was super nervous but when we arrived, there was a lady sat outside. She said it had been cancelled and there was no one else there. All a bit strange. It’s clearly a very very quiet meeting anyway and I suspect one that is not going to work for me. I will find another though. I need to at least give it a chance to help and support me.

We went for a coffee instead. We shared stories and talked openly. I felt very content with life when I arrived home afterwards. Yesterday was a good day. Today has been more challenging. A work meeting first thing was very tough with having to give difficult feedback. The other person responded by accusing me of things via an ‘anonymous’ other. Things I absolutely know I have not done and would never do. The accusations were hurtful but so off the wall from how I would ever act or behave, I knew she was lying. I faltered a little but then remained calm, refocused and challenged her. She started to backtrack. She is fairly high up in our Trust and her lies could be very dangerous for me so I have followed up with an email this evening. I’m not looking forward to her reply but I’m also not going to allow someone to ruin my professional reputation through a form of gaslighting.

I craved for a drink on the way home from work. I know it was about how I’d been made to feel that morning. I had listened to some of AA’s booklet ‘Living Sober’ on my way to work and I kept thinking “Claire, don’t have that one drink. Just don’t stop anywhere for it. Get on the train, go home, eat and get in the bath. Go the rest of this day without alcohol and choose again tomorrow”.

It worked 😁 , for today anyway. I’m grateful for that and I value the advice I’d heard/read in the booklet. I’m now home and actually I’m bone tired. It’s only 8.30pm but I’m truly ready for bed tonight. I remember how important it was to go to bed early in the first weeks of sobriety. To sleep when I could and needed to. I recall that dealing with difficult emotions and feelings, without then reaching for alcohol at some point, is actually exhausting in those initial stages. I do however feel calm and that, my friends, is worth it’s weight in wine.

Love Claire x

Help

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

I met with my cousin today. He started attending AA meetings 4 mths ago. He’s a few years younger than me and further down the road that I have reached (yet) in terms of where an addiction to alcohol can lead us to; but not much further. It’s a progressive pathway and I could clearly see where I would be now if I hadn’t stopped in 2019 and where I’ll be if I don’t take my decision to stop again seriously.

It was so good to have an open and honest conversation with him and with no judgement and total understanding. I don’t really have anyone locally that I can see and talk with. Well, I don’t have anyone locally who truly ‘gets it’ period. Don’t get me wrong, I have support, kindness and compassion from people around me but I think that was my first ever ‘face to face’ conversation with someone who has always been in my life about the terrible impact alcohol can have and who has similar experiences as I have with it.

It has really helped. It’s clarified things for me a little more and we have agreed that we will stay in touch, reach out if we are struggling and also if we aren’t. I am still in two minds about AA. There is a lot that doesn’t quite ‘sit’ right with me. I can’t accept that alcoholism is a disease. However, I can accept that I’m an alcoholic, whatever that means. It doesn’t really change anything for me because I accepted I have a serious addiction to alcohol a few years ago and my recent relapse of 15 mths and failed attempts to give it up have proven that moderation is not the answer.

However, though there may be beliefs within and aspects of the AA program I don’t agree with, I do feel the group support and regular checking in with people local to me would be of benefit. I’m so scared to go though. My cousin said I could go with him but I don’t want to disrupt his flow and his journey if that makes sense. I know this time around I need something more, something extra in my tool box. I suppose I lose nothing by checking it out. But I’m afraid. I have a fear of it. Maybe that’s because I’m admitting there is truly a problem if I go. Maybe I’m understandably anxious about a new situation. Maybe I’m scared that attending will make clear what I already know in my heart but can’t yet accept. Maybe maybe maybe ….

Love Claire x

Saturday morning

Just a random photo of a lake in our local park

Struggled a little yesterday evening and found myself in ‘persuasion mode’. We really are very clever at feeding ourselves bullshit to have the excuse and permission to drink! I didn’t, thankfully, and this morning I am so grateful for that. It has also reminded me of how powerful my thoughts can be when it comes to my addiction to alcohol and how fabulous it feels each time I ignore them and resist. It was good to have that reminder.

So, today I have a few plans but luckily no social engagements. I have a yoga class at 11am and then I’m planning my youngest boy’s 16th birthday. I’m hoping to start some meditation practice again today.

I am very tired even though I am constantly sleeping. I also have a continual headache. It’s unpleasant but not wholly unwelcome. In an odd way I find it reassuring because it counteracts my thoughts that ‘I’m not THAT bad, I don’t really drink THAT much …’ . If four days without alcohol makes me feel this exhausted and poorly then it’s very clear to me; I really was THAT bad and I really do drink THAT much!

Reflections this morning are:

• I definitely have an alcohol addiction
• I absolutely am doing the right thing in choosing sobriety
• I am on the right track and each day will confirm that just a little more
• Today I will not drink

Love Claire x

Orienteering

Photo by Nick Seagrave on Unsplash

I’m still concerned that I’m not taking this as seriously as I did the last time but maybe that’s because this time I have a map and I know the route. Although everyone’s journey to achieve and maintain sobriety is very individual, I found there were definite road signs and sights we all reached at some point in the journey. Common themes that appeared in blogs which helped build connections and reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness. That was the most difficult emotion I dealt with in the first few days. I felt totally alone and like an outcast because I wanted to stop drinking. For good. That was so tough.

A few days in I found this site and started to slowly interact on blogs about going sober. I built a supportive community around myself and that community was the single most important factor to my getting through the first 30 days. It was one of the main reasons I remained sober for almost 2 1/2 years but in those first few weeks it was crucial to me keeping going.

This time I don’t feel isolated or lonely because I’m so aware of the thousands of other people who make the difficult and brave decision to live alcohol free. So maybe that’s why I’m doubting my ability and seriousness to do this again. Maybe feeling connected with likeminded people with a similar approach before I picked up the journey again just means I’m less anxious and stressed about being the ‘only one’ with no one else understanding.

I hope so anyway because I really do want to continue making my map from where I left off!

Love Claire x

Tuesday July 11th

Quick check in as I start my day. I am nervous and excited (and also slightly sick with the cumulative effects of drinking poison for a while).

Today is 11/7/23 and I’m really hoping it becomes my memorable soberversary date. For now it’s about one day at a time, or one hour if that’s what it takes. I want this so much and I’m scared I can’t do it. Small steps.

Claire x

Just me

This is me

Three years and 7 months on from my first day one, including the last 15 months drinking again …

My name is Claire (Imogen) and I am … um, erm, … uh, … maybe an alcoholic, maybe not, very much addicted to alcohol (no shame here, news flash, it’s addictive) … errr .. I use it for a variety of emotions, I find it incredibly difficult to live without .. that includes ‘thinking’ about it even if I’m not doing it …

So what am I? Do I name it ? If it helps, yes! However for me it isn’t an illness or a disease, it’s not something I was born with and … run away now if you want to feel this has been cast upon you … it isn’t an affliction …

It’s my story, it’s my character and alcohol is part of my journey. PART of it, not all of it. It absolutely has defined me at times and it absolutely will not define the next 1 to 40 years I have left to live ( if I’m lucky)

It played its part and it did the job. It also very nearly destroyed me. A toxic cocktail of anxiety, depression, paranoia plus booze (for me – wine) ….. boom.

I can make no promises here. I have no answers for you. I’m drinking again but I have a date set to stop. 11th July. Don’t ask why. There are methods to my madness as you’ll come to see ..

I may succeed and I may fail. If this is a trigger for you in your own path to sobriety then please do not read on. This is for my own purpose and not to advise others. I have no advice. I am like a newborn that was here before but can’t bloody recall anything!

Yep, this is me, Imogen, and I’m ready to own my own story.

Love Claire x